Reminiscing Butterfly
If I was given the chance - would I go back and change anything? I have been reading and rereading his email for the last week or so. And each time I come away feeling different emotions.I'm on red wine and a full stomach listening to an acoustic version of Possession by Sarah McLachlan. My mood's been nostalgic and wistful for most of the day.
I went to see Sarah on Monday night and I've come away all surreal-like, floating in a little bubble. There are moments when I wonder if I didn't appreciate the concert enough. There are other moments when listening to her cds I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I saw her in person. Live. In Concert. And she blew me away. I panicked halfway through the first set thinking, 'this can't be it. There has to be more!'
Interestingly though, listening to some of her songs live reminded me of Him. And the thoughts float around, and I can half emphathise with his feelings of nostalgia, regret and despair.
And so it comes around that here I sit rereading his email for the thousandth time wondering. If I wasn't in a relationship would that email mean anything? Would his email prompt me to unblock him from msn and retry the friendship? Or did it just get too hard?
I don't know.
Nothing changes. And as I pointed out to him last week - there's nothing left to say.
See, in my head the relationship was over. He'd told me point blank that he didn't feel like he loved me enough to fight for me. And no matter his honest reasons - that he was scared of messing us up, scared of feeling/being happy - at the end it was obvious to me that this was it. There was no more.
So when he emails me and says, "I just wanted you to know that I get it," well, thanks for letting me know, but honestly, what do you want me to do about it?
Sometimes I wonder if I should in fact try again - if only to be friends. But at the same time, I do honestly wonder if in fact it's worth it. To let him back into my life. Regardless of how things are currently, no matter how happy, content or whatever things are right now in my personal life, I can't help but wonder whether I really need this can of worms reopened.
Essentially that last phone call with him cemented in my head that nothing would come of anything. It's not really that I'm honestly angry with him or whatever. It's not even that he's still hurting me. It's just that, I like the facade, the idea that he did wrong and that I am in the right. After all the revelling in the misery and the hurt, well, it's about time he got a taste of his own medicine. And if he's suffering as much as it seems like in that email, well, I'm ok with that.
I've been thinking lately, what would happen if I saw him in the street? Would I go up and say hello? Can I do that yet? Or will pride still insist on me walking by? I know that most likely if he saw me in the street he wouldn't stop to say hello because he thinks that I don't want to have anything to do with him.
If you ask me what I really want, all I want is for him to know that there will never be an 'us'. That he screwed up forevermore, and that no matter what, we can't ever be more than acquaintences - if even that. But I want it sunken into him in a way that only a meeting in person can do.
Naturally this scenario would only work in serendipitious situations. Maybe I'm just trying to write out my own play. Incorporating the cliched 'two ships pass quietly in the night'.
Or maybe I've just been drinking too much red wine.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:12 pm
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