Opening Butterfly
"I know I've said it before, but I want to say it again: I hope I make you feel half as happy as you make me feel.""I love being with you. I feel so comfortable with you."
"You bring me so much pleasure."
Across the table eating mudcrab:
"One more thing: I love you."
Fifteen minutes later:
"One more thing: that thing I said to earlier."
"I want to do everything for you. And that includes you doing whatever you want to do." (i.e. he will support me in everything that I want to do)
"You make me so happy."
"You are the best thing that's happened to me."
"You are the best thing in my life. Not that I'm putting pressure on you or anything."
You were very open tonight. Ready to spill things out and talk about them. I wish I had taken full advantage of it, and asked certain questions or fished for certain answers from you. It's rare, I find, that you ever open up to me - I mean, properly open up to me. So much of you is a mystery to me. Your past is a closed book.
What makes it even more interesting is that when I ask you hard questions you can manage me. You throw me a bone, a one-off line to shut me up, to placate me. And I always take them seriously. The one time I called you on it, that line about me warning you that I was complex, and your response that I could be the complex one, and you would be the normal one, you scoffed at me and said, 'did you seriously think that I meant it?' i.e. you were half joking when you said it. Yes honestly, I believed.
I think perhaps what remains is time. I need time to sort you/us out properly. And now that I've essentially said that I wanted to spend some more time with family, well, this perhaps is an ideal time to give myself and us some space to get some perspective back in order.
Maybe that in itself will tell me enough about where I want to be, and how I want it to happen. Maybe.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:29 pm
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