Loving Butterfly
So I said it yesterday. The three most coveted words in the relationship lexicon: I Love You.And after having said it to him for the first time, suddenly I have an urge to say it every other time he looks at me.
My friend once told me: never say something like that unless you mean it.
Her advice to me after meeting him was, "he seems like a nice guy. If he's what you really want, then go ahead. But if you're not sure, stop. Keep an eye out, and be smart about all of this."
How do you define love? How do I know what I feel means that my "I love you" was genuine? It took three attempts to get it out in the open. The first time, I only got as far as his name. And when he looked at me, I sort've half chickened out. He knew though. He looked at me, kissed me, and said, "me too". Have I been that transparent? Or is there a look on my face that betrays my true feelings? Have I done things to imply that I am in love with you? Or perhaps the songs that we have been trading have had a sinister undertone to my intentions. I can't help it if the song is pretty. It's just coincidence that they sing about love.
The second time around, he asked me, "do you love me?" My automatic response was 'yes'. So maybe he figured I was shy about asking and he was trying to help me out. Make it easier to say something that obviously I wanted to say, and he wanted/needed to hear. Or maybe it was just his insecurities coming out to play.
And the third time, well, the words just came out. And it was barely a whisper. Yet somehow he heard them. Those three little words, he heard them. They were barely a whisper. The minute after I said it, I had the instant thought, maybe I can take them back. Maybe he won't hear it and I'll be 'safe' for a little while longer before he breaks down all my walls. Well, too late for that now.
Overriding impulses. The sudden desire to say things. Just like when you see an adorable puppy and instantly want to cuddle it into your arms and devour it.
The only concern I have right now is that I have no more cards to play. And that if I don't stop this, this may well go down the road to 'more.' And I had too many plans to stop here. But right now, this relationship, despite family issues, seems so perfect, seems so right. Who am I to stop someone from treating me right? Who am I to not appreciate when someone loves me? Who am I to say no to someone or punish them for simply falling in love with me?
Even my friend pointed out that he was obviously very interested in me. So it seems, I'm the dark horse.
I freaked out last night after drinking a glass of champagne. Two hours in, after snuffling down hors d'oeuvres, I was suddenly overwhelmed. I broke out into a sweat, my stomach began to play games, and I started to feel dizzy. Upon rushing to the bathroom, I expected to heave out the entire contents of my stomach, only to find very little. While we have agreed to place the blame on the champagne, I can't help but wonder otherwise. Not that it's likely. But afterwards, I sat there in that bathroom, in a stranger's house, with my only link to familiarity being him, I did a little contemplating. What on earth was I doing? Why on earth was I there? Was this what I really pictured when I said yes to this guy? Is this where I want my life heading? What does it mean when you find yourself trying to throw up in someone's toilet when you don't even know who they are? Perhaps this is exactly the type of situation your mother was trying to stop you from experiencing when she put her foot down and laid down the law. Maybe she was right after all, and you were just inexperienced, impetuous and young.
I must say that the feelings that washed through me as I sat in that bathroom have disturbed me a little. And after sleeping on the after effects of champagne, and reliving all that happened yesterday, I wonder if it was in fact a good thing that I said those three coveted little words out loud to someone who matters. I still want out. While it is reassuring to know that he's serious and in it for the long-haul, I can't exactly be selfish and say that I don't want anything more and expect him to wait 5 years for me. I've got all the time in the world, but not so much for him. Will this just be a passing romance? Something that can be written down in the books as, 'a beautiful romance with a sad ending'?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:44 am
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