Knowing Butterfly
Today's astrological prediction:
The current triple conjunction of Mercury, Venus and the Sun is building your strength by testing your strength. You seem to be getting ever closer to the end of your tether. What will happen when you finally reach it? Your current drama is a test of your tether. It is designed to stretch it to the point where it breaks and you are thus no longer tethered to something that you absolutely have to free yourself from. A few more days should do it!
There's nothing left to say. Can we even nip it in the bud now? It's just too hard. Maybe I'm just not ready for this. Or am I just lying to myself? You tell me that you leaving me is not my decision to make. Even so I constantly feel like I'm bad for you. I can't accommodate you. It's just not possible. It's so tempting to just be a bitch about it all and just burn you. You have no idea how tempting it is. To have the courage to do what's right. It doesn't matter that you think it's worth hanging around. The deeper I get into this the worse I feel letting you down. Sometimes I do wonder if it's all worth it or not. Sometimes I just don't feel like riding it out. You're right, when faced with conflict I either clam up or push you away. It's not just whether or not you can hack it. It's also whether or not I can. What's compromise if someone's still suffering? I don't want to be the bad person and I constantly feel like I am. Whether it's intentional or not.
My sense of honour won't let me do otherwise. Do you honestly feel it's worth it? All this pain? There really is nothing left to really say. You just have to accept my decision, and I have to stick to my guns coz sometimes I wonder if in fact I am too nice a person and is constantly taken advantaged of? So what if I get my way? I don't even feel right doing what it is I do. In some ways it's like we're at an impasse. Like I once said, nothing is going to change. And I just know that I will disappoint you more than I will make you happy. You ask me whether I truly believe that or not, and sometimes I really do. I guess maybe I'm just trying to make myself look good at the end of the day, ensure that I have the right moral ground and can never be accused of doing the wrong thing. Protecting myself from the inevitable? After you there will be no one else. I've said those fateful words before, I know. But hopefully I'll truly know better this time.
Personally I feel like we met each other at the wrong time in our lives. Our priorities are different this time around. And for that I'm truly sorry. But to be honest I can't change anything and I most likely won't. I refuse. I wonder if unconsciously I will start to push you away? It's highly possible. I always run away from my problems. And most likely you will never take me back if I do leave. It's just not right for me right now, I know I need to sort many things out in my life. I'm just starting out on this road. I don't really know what I want out of it. And the deeper we get the more I feel the gulf. And I see no way to bridge it without compromising my principles. Well maybe not so much 'principles'. But like, essentially without going against family. I've already done that once. And I won't do that again. There's nowhere left to turn but forward. I love you but perhaps it's not good that I do.
Maybe it's best that I simply stop this. Before it gets any worse. No matter that you tell me that I make you happy, more happy than you have ever been in your life, that doesn't placate me when fundamental differences like today happen. And I don't really know what to do or say when 'I'm Sorry' doesn't hack it for you.
Actions speak louder than words, yes. But that's all I have these days. Yes your requests aren't unreasonable. So that makes me the bad guy.
There's nothing left to say. The only way is forward. Perhaps I'm trying to orchestrate my own tragedy. If so, all the potential conflicts are there. It's only a matter of time. Two months was all it took to see that this was doomed. Why waste time over this? But I don't want to deal with the aftermath either. Selfish little thing, aren't I?
I just sms'd you my feelings about constantly feeling bad about myself. You're obviously upset because you read my previous point about just 'leaving it' as me trying to break up with you via sms.
It's funny how this afternoon I couldn't bear to be apart from you. How I went with you to the pub to meet your friend only because the thought of leaving work without you disturbed me. I love your attention. I must be honest. I love that you constantly want me in your life. But I'm also scared that if I give you my all, my total all, that you will burn me. And it's funny how despite all that has happened between us in the last two months, I still sometimes don't feel 100% comfortable with you. Maybe what that's saying is that you're not the one for me.
But I shy away from conflict so readily that I'm concerned I will stay for the wrong reasons. Every time you shout me down I freak out. Perhaps I've put you on a pedestal that I knew I had no reason to put you on. That I knew all along you didn't deserve to be on, and it was something that you'd already told me about: "I'm not perfect by any means". Yes I know that, but maybe for the age difference alone I automatically assume that what you say is right. When in fact it can be wrong. And so it is that I find myself turning to my mother for guidance. Passively of course. God forbid she knew about everything that went on in my life.
I also am scared at the prospect of having to deal with your unhappiness and anger at me from across the pod at work. I work with you for crying out loud. I don't want to ruin anything of your life either. All I know is that this is a tough situation to be in. And while I kinda want out, at the same time I don't. And that's all I really know.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:40 pm
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