Playing Butterfly
I can't play games. It's not inherent in my nature. I can try to be enigmatic, but somehow it's more of a trial than anything. I find it tiring to constantly be on my guard. I want so much to let it down. Once I start playing I get so worried that I will lose. I spend so much time obsessing over whether I am playing right or wrong. I need clear black and white guidelines, rules.He sms'd me tonight requesting my presence. So after finishing my movie I went online. He also hedged at perhaps seeing a movie on Friday night. But I stuffed that one up by asking if he wanted me to keep the night free. Which is a no no.
I just don't want to be or appear desperate anymore. It's hard to play two sides at once. He doesn't know that I'm getting over him. And I don't want to hold another of "those" conversations. I just want to drift away.
At least he admitted, or half-admitted that he missed me.
I just want him to work for me. After all that I went through, I think that it's about time I stopped doing all the work. I want to be chased after, I want to be wanted.
I'm holding back my information and not telling him everything. And that's about the best I can do at the whole secrecy thing.
He may think that we're progressing. We probably are in a way. But I'm forcing myself to stop caring. I'm forcing myself to not care. In a way I still want him to suffer. But that deep-seated niceness that I have makes me want to be nice. And it's hard to battle between the two.
What am I going to do with you? Next time you attempt to kiss me, unless you know what it is you want, I will refuse you. I don't want this anymore. None of this limbo. None of this emotional carnage. I just want to live my life.
I should also remember to reblock him again tonight. I don't want to be easy anymore.
It's just that playing hard to get is so hard to do. Girls should not be so easy. They should not be accessible. Because if we are, well, you don't want us. So in order to keep one we have to pretend that we don't care. And make you beg and plead for us. It's not a nice way, but somehow it works.
I just want someone to want me. I want to be in a secure place where I can be myself and reveal all my hidden quirks. I want someone to look after me, to respect me and care for me. But all you guys want is the chase. That's what makes you interested. That's what gets your blood running. In order for us to feel wanted we have to pretend that we are unavailable. We can never show the realities. We can never tell you that we care about you. There just isn't a point. All it does is cheapen ourselves in your eyes.
I just don't want to play this game. But I can't not, either. You have final say over where we go. I only ever react and attempt to be subversive. It's not something that I like to do. I'd prefer it all out in the open. But past history has shown that I can't do that with you. I get so paranoid that if I open up you will not respect me, and you will dismiss me out of hand.
Either way, I have a lunch date on Thursday with a friend. And Saturday night looks promising. I have overtime this weekend so that will keep me away from the computer.
From now on, unless you request my presence I will not be available for you. I don't know if I can explain or justify it. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. To be honest, I don't really know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I just know that if I am online every day and I make myself available to you, I will cut myself up. I will feel hurt and emotionally vulnerable. And I will fear that you will be taking me for granted.
I am trying to distance myself from you. I am trying so hard. Not so much to help you fight. But to fight for myself. I lost a lot of self-respect after you first left. It was the first time I ever got cut so deep. And I don't want to go back there. And as much as I'd like to think that we could be, I think I'm setting myself up for that inevitable 'walk away/pass by like two ships in the night'. And the irony is that you will never know what it is that you're missing out on. Because I will make it so that you will never know.
I just don't want to face failure again. And you will never care or fight hard enough for me. I can give you all the time in the world, but it won't change a thing. You will still fight against me. You will still not commit. I am not the girl for you. And it pains me so much to know that. So much. You have no idea how much it hurts to know that I am not enough for you.
Anyhow, it's geting late. I should go to bed.
Another day, another report, another doldrum day.
May my days be filled with conviction and my heart be strong as stone. May my head speak volumes over my heart and may you one day know what it is that you have lost. At the rate we are going you will lose me permanently. I don't know if you know it yet, but I'm going. I'm packing my bags and leaving. ANd soon, hopefully I will be able to walk out of your life completely. Ever so slowly, ever so surely, I'm leaving. Baby step by baby step unless you wake up and chase me back. I will leave the friendship intact, but I will also stop nurturing it. I don't want to be hurt anymore. If that means building up a friendship and leaving it in cobwebs, then I'll do it, if only so I can tell myself that it's still there if I want to pick it up.
But to be honest, I'm tired of caring so much. And even though you are attempting to keep us, I just don't feel the effort anymore. I don't want to be told, I don't want to face the rejection. Sometimes maybe it is easier to just let sleeping dogs lie.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:48 pm
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