Pathetic Butterfly
I miss you this morning. Tragically. I want your arms around me and your kisses along my neck. I miss you. It is so hard to let go. So hard to leave you alone, to let you be. I'm dressed well today, in the boots that you so desperately love. I'm not thinking consequences right now; I just miss you. Do you miss me? Does absence tear at your soul lke a wolf at the jugular? Do I fill your mind and make you crave for me in every fibre of your being? Do you want to spend hours in my company just so you can feel alive? does my very presence make you a happier person? I wish I did. But I know that you aren't like that. You don't need me to be complete. I would be/am just an addition to your life. Something pretty to grace your arm and your social standing. You don't need me like I need you. You can dismiss me out of hand, and it doesn't bother you. I wish it did though. I wish you weren't so self-efficient. I wish I could make an impact on your life, and I wish I could show you my love, like truly show it to you. But you don't want to see that love.I'm setting all my hopes on Norway. I know that is wrong. I know that always wanting someone to be my other half is pathetic. That I can't be an independent individual. I wish I could. I wish that it didn't matter whether I had someone or not. I wish I could revel in loneliness like you do. I wish I could be my own person. I am wrapping myself back up. I am, hoenstly. It's just that the shiny wrapping paper tears sometimes, and I can't tape it back up fast enough.
I just wish sometimes that you'd want to see me more often. I'm back at work today, and the holidays are over. I didn't feel well when I got up this morning, so I'm coming into work late. Another way that my body is trying to tell me to get over this. I need rest. In some ways, it's a perfect excuse to try and distance myself from you. Honestly, no matter what you say about loving me, and wanting in your life, you don't really need me. If you did, you would try to see me more often. Go on outings, go to the movies, etc. Maybe I should just recollect my life and forget about you altogether.
Norway is just a pipedream right now. And that can also fall apart. Norway just wants a chance, a shot at making it, and nothing more. I understand that. It's just that my imagination runs away with me sometimes. And because out of all of them, he is the only one who ever treated me right. Well, I can't help but hold him in fair esteem for that.
I think I just need to pull myself back together again. No one wants me properly. And I'm not going to back to my ex. So this is time in lieu. This is time to myself. he is here to teach me a lesson: to have patience. Not everything comes out the way you want, and that even when both sides want each other, it can still not happen. So in a sense I'm learning what it is like to be scorned, what it means to truly love someone, and how difficult it is to let it go.
He's not coming.
I have to leave and I have to get off the emotional roller coaster, and be by myself again.
No more relationships, yeh?
Just give yourself some time.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:16 am
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