Moody Butterfly
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a means to alleviate your boredom. I don't feel special. I don't feel like I am really that important to you. Sometimes I feel a little like you're taking advantage of me. You don't chase after me like you should. If anything, I'm always the one chasing after you. I'm the one constantly asking you to go places, I'm the one always offering to drive you here and there; I'm the one who always wants to see you. Now tell me, what's wrong this this picture?After a day of quasi-clarity, my only thought is that I think my expectations have changed a little. I don't want to progress anymore. I don't want to move up any more levels, to advance or progress further without reassurance from you. I'm giving out again, and I know that if we don't quickly settle this, I will get hurt again. I understand that it is difficult for you to see me, to keep yourself under control, and to treat me right. But I also understand that I'm probably the one more in control of the situation. I can tell you to stop and you will. Except that I'm not a very moral person - so it makes our situation difficult.
In all, perhaps I should take these following 2 years and use it to my advangage. Pull myself together, organise my life, and then see if I can go to Europe for a holiday. If i give myself a goal - norway in 2007, then that will maybe settle myself a little. If i try and take a look at the big sheme of things, maybe I won't get hurt so much by you.
My affection for you knows no bounds. Unfortunately, yours seems to only emerge in periods of confusion and unclarity. You are afraid to commit. Which is fair . But I need to protect myself. I don't want to become one of those desperate girls. I want to be respected, loved and sought after. You won't come after me. And I don't know how I can make you do so. In all, you have a two year window to keep me. If you fail, then that's it. if we are just to be friends after this, then i'd like to know that you have lost. Because, quite frankly, I don't think I can handle being friends with you. Despite my current state these days, all in all, I am trying to wean myself from you. I am trying to be strong, and be my own person. I have had contact with you fairly often in the last few days. I need to stop. If you really want me, you will come. You will fight. I shouldn't have to constantly do the work , and I shouldn't have to feel like I'm only a means to an end to alleviate your boredom. Every time you talk to me online, I am met with the phrase, "I am bored". I don't want to be a second rate cure. I want you to WANT to be with me . To WANT to spend time with me.
And as much as you hate dragging this out with me, perhaps you don't realise what it is in fact you are doing. I hate sitting here "waiting" for you. It's not healthy. And it's not fair to my self respect.
It hurts to see us progress without a solid emotional foundation. I no longer ask for analysis from you. I no longer ask, "what are you thinking", and attempt to see where you are standing. I am trying to be patient. But it is difficult and hard. I am sweeping under the rug all the bolsters of our situation. I am trying to make the most out of what we have before it crumbles and falls.
You tell me that I'm amazing, and that you can't figure out what it is that is holding you back. You tell me that you hate yourself for having to put me through this. Sometimes, I wonder if I am your karmic retribution. For all the people who have snubbed you, laughed in your face and rejected you, I am the one you can throw it all back at. I am the one that you can wreak your revenge on. I become an example for you to say to yourself, 'see? i can be like all the others too. I can be ruthless and cold in love. Sweethearts, this is payback.'
Talk about unlucky...
I can't really describe my mood at the moment. I no longer angst like I used to. Perhaps I have accepted my fate, and have become passive. I'm tired of angsting over this situation. I'm tired of the bitterness, anger and hate. I don't really know what to do anymore. I just want things to work out.
Deep down I know that you wil proabbly never settle. I dont think you will allow yourself to. So maybe I'm just making the most of this before it all goes to hell.
I just don't want to fall like last time. I see this little brief interlude for what it is. It's the teetering, the waiting. and to be honest, I don't think I really want the answer. Perhaps all I really need is now.
You tell me that that it won't take 2 years for you to figure out how to solve this. I'm actually hoping it will. because after 2 years of this half limbotic state, I can leave, content that I wll have something else. Hopefully I will be able to establish what it is I need in order to survive and I will be happy. If you don't want a relationship, honestly i don't think i want you around. you know things about me that you should not know. and in some ways, I am trying to stem the blood flow before it's too late.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:40 am
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