Distrait Butterfly
As per usual, I am hurt and confused. You tell me that I’m important to you. But so often lately I feel there is no substance in our actions. We have nothing to hang a relationship on. Other than innuendo and desire, there is no true love or friendship. I was thinking last night – what exactly is a relationship anyway? How do you in fact define a friendship from a relationship?Is it the physical things? Is that what separates one? The legitimacy of a kiss, of a hug, or of something more? Is that what love is? The amount that you disclose to someone? What in fact, is love? How can I tell the difference between love, lust and pure friendship?
You once said to me that you didn’t think that you loved me enough.
I have seen you online practically every night. And each night I notice there are periods of silence between us. Perhaps we do not have that much in common after all. Perhaps we do not have that much to talk about after all. Your excuse each and every night is that you are bored. The unspoken thing then is that I try and entertain you in some form. To keep you occupied and hope that you will want to be there because I am so entertaining. But that’s not right either.
What exactly is love? What exactly is a relationship? And how do we tell the difference?
Sometimes I watch myself drift from you. Your ideals are not my ideals. And at the same time I crave for you so badly. I can’t understand it. I was told the other night that perhaps my interest in him isn’t so much love as it is infatuation. I don’t really know what to say about that.
Tell me something – does talking to me make you happy? Does it light up a glow inside of you? Even if we do not speak, do I light you up inside? You do not express how you feel. Perhaps you are at the same place I am, where you are sick and tired of going on about all that has happened. There just doesn’t seem much to talk about or say when it’s all said and done. I sit there with the chat window open and I just stare blankly at it. I don’t really know what to say to you. I’m not all that comfortable chattering away at you. I’m still terrified that you will leave me. And for that alone, I don’t want to give out too much. Even though I am giving out too much. The fact that I’m sitting here pondering over us, shows how much I am giving out.
Even when I curl up around my pillow at night and try to sleep you invade my thoughts. Perhaps Saturday should not have happened. I have so many mixed feelings about Saturday. I want to sit down and relive it all. But at the same time I can’t, because again I notice that I have no emotional sounding board that I can fall back on. To legitimize everything that we did. And if that’s the case, well, what do I do now? What do we do now? All I can do is cry bitterly into my pillow and hope that you feel the same way as me. Are you as confused as me? Do you think back on Saturday and feel a haze and a desire and wish that I was there with you constantly? Do you view me in good stead? Or are you so busy with other things that I just do not rate a mention on your radar? I don’t really know what to do anymore. I am so lost and confused.
What’s happening to us? I want to spend hours in your company. I want your affection. I want your attention. I want you to want to be with me. But you don’t. Not really. So if that’s the case, why don’t I just pick up my suitcase and leave? I’ve already packed half of it. I guess it’s that I’m afraid that if I leave, you’re going to make a decision. The unspoken request is that I sit and wait for you to make up your mind. But that’s not right either. I want to move on. But I’m so scared that if I move on, you will not come back and fight for me. You will just let me go. And that is so harsh.
The more I think about it, the worse it gets. I'm in so much pain I can't describe the feelings anymore. The more I think about it, the more I feel that Saturday was a mistake. It's opened up a whole plethora of issues that I don't think you're ready to tackle. It will only serve to emphasize certain things. That we aren't made for each other, and right now they're not the words I want to hear. I want you so badly, I want you so desperately. What am I going to do???
We are trying to give each other time. But it is difficult. I constantly want to stop and analyse. But you need to just go ahead and plod on. I don't know how long I can continue to hang on like this. There's no way out.
I just want to scream it all away...
I want it all to go away.
~*~*~*~
Faded away like the color in a blue sky at the end of the day.
Night falls and the search begins for something better than this.
A scream or a cry, the truth or a lie,
I'm not sure they will save us this time.
I don't wanna be around
When it all comes down
To watch something beautiful die.
You said the only way was to run away.
You're sick of me so you
Just can't stick around to hear me pleading (I'm pleading).
Does it show?
I'm pathetic, I know.
I just can't stand here and watch you go.
I'm running after you (I'm running after you).
Helpless, cause my hands are tied.
Eyelids pinned back so they're open wide.
In a theatre, all alone in the front row,
To watch something beautiful die.
What happened to the things we used to do?
You said it's all the same and that you needed a change.
You left without goodbye and now I'm wondering why.
But I don't think I want to know
All the things that he does better
And how the past just doesn't matter.
You left me once but this time will be the last time.
Look for the feeling that we lost.
Where did you have it last?
Maybe if we retrace our steps.
But we can't find the path
That led us here to where we stand.
Face to face to watch this bitter end.
Now something beautiful is dead.
Cauterize - Something Beautiful
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:27 pm
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