Disimpassioned Butterfly
It always strikes me funny when I think about how I deal with emotions. There are days when I batter myself against a brick wall or a thick wooden plank and wish that life as I know it would be over. There are days when all I think about is love and all its torrid emotional trappings. And there other days when I shake it all off like irritant dust at a construction site and walk on by. Today I feel like walking on by.The last point of contact with him had been very pleasant and reassuring. The idea that he had wanted to have dinner with me (albeit along with his best friend) placated me to no end. The fact that he couldn't because of a last minute family event didn't bother me so much.
It seems funny that despite all my angst, all it takes to shut me up is to show me that you care - even a little it seems is sufficient. I'll admit that it doesn't really say much about me. I don't really inspire guys to do much effort to get me. I seem a little too easy-going for my expectations of love to really ever be fulfilled. No one ever seems to be on the fast track like I am. And while usually I am suspicious of motives and such, oftentime, if I know where you stand, I often try to shortcut you if I can. Maybe it's something unconscious, to see if you'll run up to bat and succeed. To see whether you can beat me at my game, or to see if you'll just take the easy road that I provide and let it be.
I'm not angsting today. Just a little complacent. Just a little off-key. I didn't finish my report yesterday and have taken it home to finish.
After Thursday night's phone call I can honestly wander around the house in a fairly content mood. I don't need to talk to you. I don't need to touch base with you. I get the strangest feeling that if I did see you online, I wouldn't know what to say. I'm sort've half emptied-all-out. I wonder if you feel the same, or if you pine after me. Honestly, I don't think that you do.
I think sometimes that you pass through my head more than I pass through yours. I'm guessing that you're stuck at soccer stuff today. And I'm sure you had a great time down in my neighbourhood yesterday.
Don't you think that it's funny though, how everything sort've just falls into place once I know that you truly are interested and wanting to make an effort with me?
I was watching Love Actually today. The first time I've seen it. I've heard bad reviews and I've heard good reviews about it. I don't know if I would call it the greatest movie of all time, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. And the various love stories gave me some food for thought. Perhaps I don't need to pine after you so badly. Things will come and things will go. And if you don't meet all of my expectations, or if I give up on having expectations, well, maybe I can/should just wait, because based on even the piddling amount of stories that I've watched this morning, it seems fairly obvious that no one is the same. Everyone has a different way of showing love, and perhaps there is still someone out there for me, who can show me everything that I want and need, some of it most likely that I'm not even aware of.
I don't want to philosophise with you. You've cut me fairly deep on the ego front and I don't need to be told by you - ever - that we aren't for each other, or that you're not good enough for me, etc etc. Maybe I should just go with gut instinct for a while and see where that takes me. I never listen to common good sense. The past week with daily conversations with you proves that. I don't want your permission and I don't need you to tell me that it's ok to not hang around you 24/7. I don't want your cold rational outlook on love. Sometimes I don't even know what it would be like to live with your kind of love. The idea that we could be individuals as well as a couple just seems a bit too idealistic and... cold, for lack of a better word.
I want someone who honestly wants to spend time with me. Someone who I light up their life, and who does the same to me.
Perhaps all we were ever meant to be was friends. Sometimes I have to remind myself that you treat everyone the same way. Even when we met and first became friends it was very bizarre. We would get along like a house on fire online, but during the first few months we barely talked to each other in person. The first time that we sort've went out together to go book hunting we were nothing but strictly friends/acquaintences. Yet the thing that I liked most about you was that you gave me so much attention. Like you were genuinely interested in what I had to say. And you treated me like an old friend, telling jokes and making fun of me. And it was nice. But the thing that perhaps I should keep in mind is that you are most likely the same with everyone else too. So that doesn't make me any different to any other of your friends and acquaintences. Sometimes I don't really know what defines me from everyone else in your life. You don't show it.
I, on the other hand would like to think that if you go out with me you can tell the difference between being my friend and being more than a friend. Not just physical displays of affection, but being privy to a side of me that I don't show to other people. That I would open up and show you something of me that no one else knows. Whether it be an emotional side that no one could guess at, or simply me telling you the honest truth about what I think and feel about the people in my life. And I will try my best to be as tender and thoughtful as possible. Letting you know that you mean something to me, that you are important to me, and I will try everything in my power to let you know that. I am a great believer in 'actions speak louder than words' and perhaps I'm just a romantic emotional softie at heart who has watched way too many romantic comedies and formed expectations and idealistic notions that will never become true. Maybe what I'm really looking for is just a fantasy, a figment of my imagination. An ideal that no one could ever possibly replicate.
I don't need to be told by you that we can't be more than friends. Like I said the other day, I'm sick of signposting our relationship. I just want to progress. And whether that means that we go back into circles within circles and tear each other apart again, or whether we make a straight line towards acquaintenceship/friendship, well, quite frankly I don't care anymore.
Perhaps all this *was* just an obsession of mine. Not so short-lived, but not so permanent after all. Maybe I've deliberately put myself through all this emotional trauma just so I could say to myself, "I've experienced that, and this too will pass". I don't know.
All I know is that I'm fairly content today. I know that my ego is fragile. I know that very much. Hopefully I will have learnt patience out of this whole fiasco. Or maybe I haven't learnt anything at all. Maybe I've just become more adept at hiding myself from me. Who knows. I certainly don't.
There are moments and days like today where I look inside myself and find that perhaps I don't really love or care about you. Time will most likely tell where we are at. But quite frankly I don't want to hear anything more from you. Nothing along the lines of 'I think we will just never work out' or 'I don't think we are compatible as a couple, there are just too many fundamental differences'. I don't want to know that there are errors in my psyche, that I am wrong for you. I don't need to be told that by you.
Most likely I have a deep seated emotional chip on my shoulder. Something stemming back from many years that makes me feel inferior to anyone who's ever interested in me. And knowing that for once here is a person that I enjoy spending time with, who has once mentioned and vocalised his desire to be with me, well, despite that knowledge making me happy, I don't need to be told one day that that is not enough to keep him.
Perhaps it's all just ego, pride and vanity talking.
I will never be the person that you will fight for. And even if we are in a relationship I will have to sacrifice certain expectations in order to be with you. Maybe it's just easier for me to cloak myself back up and fight against the bitter chill. It seems silly to do otherwise. Let's build it all up again. It won't stop me from loving one day, but if anything, perhaps this will just remind me how complicated love and a relationship is, and why I should never have entered into this contract to begin with.
Sometimes I still think that the person you think you know isn't the person that I am. I try so hard to be everything that you want and need, and you just take it all without question.
Am I ready to let this all go? To let this all be? Sometimes I think so. Friends are much easier. So much easier.
And hopefully as long as I keep reminding myself, and as long as you can continue to show effort to make me feel wanted and needed (selfish, I know, but necessary) perhaps I can get out of this hell hole permanently.
But quite frankly, I don't really want to talk about this with you anymore.
Unless of course, it's good news.
In which case, bring it on =P lol.
But even so, even if it is good news, I have a bad feeling, a gut feeling that it wouldn't work out anyway. I just don't want the status quo cleared up anymore. I've spent close to 4 months trying to work out the status quo. And all it has done is bring me pain and confusion.
Maybe the sun really is shining in this black hole and I can quit crouching in the corner curled up around my pillow.
Here's to the sun shining out.
Well, least until tomorrow, anyways.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:04 pm
1 Comments:
Yes the sun is shining now and is beckoning you to come out...
Love is a strange phenomenon that cannot be explained or theorised. The movie Love Actually attempts to show the different facets of Love without explicitly trying to explain it. Everyone just wants to be loved and cared for =)
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