Disappointing Butterfly
I had forgotten the bitter taste of disappointment. How it wells up inside and bites the chest. The feeling tingles along your veins, seeping out into your consciousness, out along the arms, leading to shaking in your hands. And then your whole body sighs in its disappointment. And it's like tears are trapped inside your chest, wanting to burst out.I can't be upset. I can't be angry. I am, but I can't. The situation does not permit. The justifications are too.. justified. I guess it was just that I had asked first. And although you didn't say 'yes' yes, you did know about it. And although you would have had to had cancelled anyway, the disappointment is still there.
Irrational.
Yes, I know I am.
A little hurt. A little confused. And still as sensitive and fragile as ever. Although you have to be honest with yourself, what did you think it would achieve? Things are never going to clear up between the two of you. If the last few months haven't proved that, I don't know what will.
Sometimes it's like I'm in an ocean. At times I feel like I am tumbling through the waves. Sometimes I am treading water. And sometimes, I have my head above the water, and my toes can touch the bottom, and I can slowly inch myself out of deep water, and find the shore.
I was getting to the shore a few days ago. Today, I find myself swamped by a wave from behind. And it seems I can't touch the bottom again. Guess I'll have to tread water until I can find some shallower shoals.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:02 pm
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