Friday, January 07, 2005

Crazed Butterfly

12:33

I'm desperately scrounging around for any low forms of entertainment in order to procrastinate on this damn report. It's taken me 3 hours to do one section. I just wanna go home.. *wails*

*bangs head on keyboard*
*mashes forehead on spacebar*

Pain, pain, pain....

I feel like i'm battering uselessly against a cage of wrought iron. This is driving me insane. The motivation's just not there. the report's due in 5 hours, and the motivation is just. not. there.

Grrrraaaahhhh!!!!!

~*~*~*~

Am dying slowly here from a brain hemmorage (however you spell it). This report is *killing* me. I just want the week to be over and this damn report written. It's been hanging over my head like a black thunderstorm cloud, constantly threatening to pour down while I madly scramble for cover or an umbrella from some unoffending pedestrian.

I've been wanting to bang my head against the keyboard for close to three days now, and the impulse isn't getting any weaker. Next week seems like an aeon away.

Things are strange on the personal front. Still have mixed feelings about everything. Guess there's nothing left but to give it 'time.' Slightly reassuring to know that he did think about seeing me tonight for dinner, but again family duties got in the way. So, bleh. He's in my neighbourhood today visiting a close friend. Pity... if only I could finish this damn report, I could go a-wandering =P lol.

Last night's phone conversation brought back tones of yesteryear (hrmm, literally these days), reminding me of how we used to be. I don't really know where it is we truly stand on everything. And quite frankly I don't think I really want to know. My ego's been bruised enough that I don't want to hear about us being unable to be more than friends anymore. i think I'd just prefer for whatever it is to happen naturally and leave it be. I don't want to signpost anymore. It just gets depressing when you signpost.

I ended up rereading archives yesterday (instead of working) and boy am I glad I wrote out all that I did. It gives me a bit of perspective and reminds me of things. Because honestly I can stray so easily. I don't want to go back to September. November wasn't all that fun either. I'm just going to try and deal with the here and now. If I sit back and analyse and try and figure out how I got here, and how my September and November self would have fainted in shock over my current actions, I wouldn't be able to live with myself, or something.

I want to go home and sleep. I don't want to do this damn report. Who cares anyway? So what if they paid big money for it? gah....

Gah I tells you. Gah. Gah. Gah.

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