Bobbing Butterfly
Bobbing in the ocean like a cork.I have no idea where we stand. Sometimes I think that is a good thing. Other times I just don't want to know. After yesterday, I think I'm as confused as ever. At the same time, I'm most probably just trying to block out the thinking.
I know that I overanalyse, that I think too much, and that I need to stop worrying about this situation so much. Time is not 'time' if I continue to stay on the boat. I just...
Arguably, yesterday was a turning point of sorts. Not so much what we did, but perhaps the intensity of. I could be wrong though. But there were moments yesterday when, even he commented. So close, yet so far...
If I don't think about what my actions meant in the big scheme of things I think I can live with myself. But perhaps if I also accept that he will not come to the decision that I want, perhaps what I'm doing now is wrong. And perhaps looking back, I will regret my actions (yet again).
Maybe it was a good thing that he said no to my invitation tonight.
It's hard though, to notice that we no longer have much to talk about. It's hard to watch him be his own person, and it's hard to give him space. It's hard to do the 'two seperate individuals, with one thing in common' when that 'one thing in common' is so tenuous. It's easy when all it is, is friendship. But when there's something more there, something a little more tangible, and a little more fragile, well, it gets difficult.
Yes we know that you're messed up. We reestablish this every time we meet.
You said something yesterday that surprised me though. You commented how difficult it was for you to see me in person. I had never thought about it that way. Sometimes the way you speak to me, especially in the last three days implies that you miss me, and that you want me. More so than you ever have before. And it seems in a way like we are going back, ever so slowly, to how we were before this all fell apart.
Mum won't be happy about this development. I can feel it in my bones.
And I don't really know what to do with you. I'm sick and tired of rehashing this situation with you. In fact, I'm sick and tired of talking about you and how much I want this to work. I'm sick of angsting over you, and I'm sick of feeling so used up. I feel like I'm on the tailend of everything. And all that's keeping me writing on this thing, is the knowledge that the little irritation that I continually feel over this situation will dissipate the minute I type it out in black and white.
I know you want me. I know that you don't want me enough right now to get over that final hurdle that will make you commit. I know that deep down you want to be single and free (even if you don't tell me, or maybe admit it to yourself). I can see in you parts that want us to be good together. I can see you want something more. I can see you tentatively try and dip your feet into the water. But I can also sense your fear. You look out into the huge ocean of emotion and me, and you fear that you will drown. Or to turn the metaphor on its head, that you will drown me, and I will not survive another bout of this. You want to be sure that you will not hurt me when this falls apart again. I have no guarantees. I don't know. I honestly don't.
You mentioned tonight that you might come back online to talk to me again later. And you've revived the *hug*.
What you don't realise, is how hard it is to see you online. To know that distance and a computer screen seperates me from you. And how we no longer talk much. To know that you are there, and that I can talk to you isn't enough. I want your complete and utter attention. I want you to live and breathe me. You have no idea how strange it is to have you there online, and me scared to talk to you. THere is both so many things I want to talk to you about, and so many things I don't.
For once in our year of knowing each other, the other day when you talked to me about your latest purchase, I sat there, not caring. Not knowing how to react. Amused by your comments, but having nothing really to add to it. The best I could come up with were smiles and a few bemused 'lol's. I can sense the distance manifesting. And I worry that yet again it will come to a point where I will say things to you, heartfelt, deep things because I feel that you need to hear them. I worry that my love is simply an infatuation of my pride.
What happens if you decide upon me, and I discover that I no longer love you? THat I find you a burden of sorts? What happens when I have to wrench myself away from that love and infatuation? What happens when I have to mentally and emotionally build up a wall between us? Not because of anything intentional, but more just to make this work? It seems so often that I have to hold back with you. I can't show you my full emotional depth, because if I do, I swamp you. And then you get scared and run. You balk and I'm left standing at the curb, hand out, uselessly staring at the squeal of rubber and the smell of acrid burning tire.
But see, if you decide that we can't be, well the pride and vanity will fell me. And again I will float in that chasm, wanting death that someone like you dare say no to the likes of me.
What am I to do with myself? How am I to cope with all this fluctuation?
We don't talk about the implications of yesterday. To be honest, I don't really want to talk to you that much at all. I have pushed down the desire to talk to you the minute I see you online. I wait now for you to make the first move. and sometimes I dread seeing you come online. Because I know that I will have to put up a front. And I don't really know what to say to you anymore.
Yesterday, when I saw you, I so wanted to tell you that I missed you. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to say it. There are so many things that go unspoken between us. We pretend that nothing exists but the present. We play it all off and sweep it under the rug. Me, because I don't want to face it anymore. You, because you know that it solves nothing. Not while you are in the state that you are in.
I amaze myself sometimes with how I got here. so many other girls would have left and spat in disgust at him wanting to come back. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here trying to be patient, and waiting for you to want me back. All the while, trying to move on at the same time. Sometimes, it feels absolutely ridiculous. At least I dont' feel unfaithful - yet. The minute I start attaching true emotion, that's when we know it will be bad.
You know what's worse though? Knowing that I'm holding back. Knowing that I'm capable of so much more. Knowing the sweetness that lies inside. KNowing that I could love you and give you everything, give you my all. And knowing that most likely you will not be able to handle it, that you do not deserve it. I wish I could tear myself away. That I could find someone truly worthy of my time instead of staying with you. Someone that my mother would be happy to accept. She commented today that I am too good a catch. And for bizarre reasons the words have resounded in my head. I never have had any qualifications for a boyfriend. All I want is someone who can keep up with me. Who can make me laugh, who I can talk to, and who will care for me. Looks do not count. And as this one proves, neither does height :P
If only I was as shallow as the rest, who go after tall, good looking guys. I could simply weed them all out. But no, I have to go and take everyone's resume, and give them all a test-run. I think I have some inner issues of lonelieness and desperation that I will seriously consider anyone who ever shows interest. I have this inbuilt belief that I am not worthy. And I am so grateful whenever someone deigns their attention upon me...
If only those words were never spoken between us. If only we had never expressed our feelings. If only I had stopped feeling the vanity, and restrained from trying to clear the air. We wouldn't be here.
I no longer feel the pain I once did over us. All I see whenever I reread recent entries is disgust at myself. How can I still be going after this guy? WHy can't I just move on? I look at myself, and I dislike what I see. I see a desperate girl. A pathetic girl.
The doubts over us have surfaced. And they are slowly taking hold. Maybe what it is, is deep down I don't really know if I really want you anymore. You have missed two windows of opportunity. I told you once before, and I told you again the other day: there is a strong possibility that if you let me go, I won't come back.
And while I try and revel in this idea, that you let go of a good thing, I am also at the same time trying to come to terms with the idea that we could still be friends. And I don't know if I'm ok with that yet. That there will never be anything else between us but friendship. And that level of friendship, be it close or distant, well I have no clue how this will end. And quite frankly, there are days when I simply do not want to know.
I know that right now you are half pining for me. But not enough to do anything substantial about it. I'm not a good poker player. I do better if you tell me everything and we sit there and try and talk it out. I'm not a good manipulator. Despite my reputation. Despite my desire to know what goes on in your head, so that I can plot myself to match you, I am not good at making you do things that you don't want to do. So if you're asking me to play this game, I can tell you now - I suck.
It's not even like we're playing games. I'm just taking things as they come these days. I want to stop questioning everything. For that alone, I refuse to seriously analyse what happened yesterday. The feelings that surfaced for me yesterday were so bittersweet and hopeful. But I don't really know if I want to do anything about it all. For some bizarre reason, the current situation is very tantalising to me. It reeks of potential. It is the moment before the fall. When we teeter on the brink, not knowing whether we will fall or if we will float. The anticipation is delicious to experience. And I savour it. Because once you come to that final conclusion, we will no longer be here. I will never be able to experience that waiting. that anticipation, where the dice could roll either way. To feel both agony and esctasy at the same time depending on the fall of a pin.
there are moments when emotion just spills out of me, and I want to proclaim to you that I love you. When I access those feelings that I keep under lock and key, and I succumb to the pathetic mumblings of a madwoman in love. When I can express to you my innermost thoughts and feelings and tlel you how much I care for you. BUt you are such a cold fish. You are so rational and justified; so honourable. And after last time, I no longer dare declare any strong feelings.
In fact, even if you said yes to me, most likely I will still hide from you. Bits and pieces of me. Perhaps out of an internal spite, and perhaps also, out of fear. And in me hiding, I worry that in you never getting the true me, the true love, that I will drift away. Because if you can't accept all my love, if I feel rebuffed in any way, my prideful nature will raise its ugly head. And it will avenge itself by making myself stop loving you. Do you realise what it is that you do? Do you realise what it is that you are making happen?
Do you even care? Or does nothing matter until you know what it is you truly need. I can't sit here and wait for you. I am trying to be myself. I am trying to give myself time alone. I am trying to be the indivdual. But to be honest, even knowing that you love deeply, and that you are hard to unravel, I still wonder if in fact I can be with you. You have none of the impulses and the flightiness that I have. I want love and romance. I want spontaneity. I want craziness. I want tenderness and I want love. The love of sonnets, the love of those infatuated by it. I don't want rationale. I don't want jusitifcation. I don't want caution.
I want love in all its unabashed rightfulness. The love that I know I am capable of. The love that I myself have experienced where I would give you anything if you asked for it. Where I would give it you without you even asking it, if I knew it was what you wanted.
I just wish, no, I don't even wish anymore.
I'm taking this day by day. It's all I can do these days. And perhaps try to learn about myself. Maybe you are in my life to teach me patience, and to show me what loving someone is truly about. I know that you are my karmic retribution for my other relationship. Maybe all you are for is to put into stark relief what type of emotional creature I am. Maybe you are here to point out the flaws in my emotional make-up. And I am here to tell you that in order to be in a 'true' relationship, you have to open yourself up and not be afraid to love someone deeply.
I love you. Or at least I think I do. But I don't want to pin my hopes on you anymore. I don't want to cry over you anymore.
I am learning. It is difficult, but I am learning. And all the issues that I have over us, well, I'm waiting until the opportune time to discuss them with you. And while it may well seem unfair that you get away with so much with me, maybe it's the price I pay for loving you. That I must forgive you for all your insensitivities and selfishness.
Or maybe, it's just to prove, that yet again, I am a fool.
~*~*~*~
I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.
Road rules apply
there's so much action,
you're getting busy.
So I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
& so am I...
so am I.
It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.
So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them
it seems like nothing's happened
until I've shared them with you.
...
It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.
Dashboard Confessional - Shirts and Gloves
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:52 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home