Quarantining Butterfly
One day down. A dozen-plus to go. I didn't talk to him yesterday. There was no contact. I went home, watched two dvds and then went to bed. I didn't even go online.I'm actually trying to sort out something. What do I say if asked why the disappearance? Not that I will be questioned. Because he won't notice that something is wrong. He'll just take it as par for the course and let me be. Unless of course I disappear for a long time. This time around it's not out of anger or spite. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I'm doing this because I feel like I'm giving out too much again. He won't ever come to an answer that I'll be *truly* happy with. i.e. He won't come out with the answer that I want. And that 'time by yourself' thing really is a very legitimate suggestion. One that has its values. Mostly though, if I'm being honest with myself, I'm doing this to test him. To see whether or not he will miss me. I don't think he will. Sunday was a bit of a rude shock to my system, in that it reminded me that I'm no longer (if I in fact ever was) the centre of his world. So maybe it should be fair to say that I should test out the theory and see if he really needs to be the centre of my universe.
Basically I'm tired of giving out and trying to keep this thing together. Whatever this 'thing' is. I don't want to be the one constantly asking for us to be friends, constantly being the one starting conversations, the one asking to meet for lunch, or go out and do things together. I'd like to be asked once in a while instead of the other way around. I'm giving him a chance to show how much I mean to him. Be it in friendship form or otherwise.
I don't know if this is part of the denial package. All I know is that I think it would be better for me if I stayed away for a while to see if he'll pick up that I'm not really ok with all of this. I want some of his concern, and I want him to look past the facades and the walls I put up. THat's what true friends are about. We ignore the facades and cut to the chase. But he always took my words at face value. And my token efforts at placating him were accepted. Guys are so dense.
I would still very much like to see him. But to be honest, I don't think that it's up to me anymore. The friendship is so supposedly intact now. I fixed that on Thursday night. And while my sms retort on Monday could be construed as slightly bitter, there's nothing else that can be done about that. I wonder how long I can hold out this week. Will I cave in tonight and message him? Or will I last out till Thursday night or something? I have a work Christmas party to attend on Friday night, so at least I'll have that...
It would probably just be safer for me to just not go on msn, rather than go on and block him. I don't want to have to deal with him. And honestly, if I can last out by not watching a Sarah DVD bought like, 4 months ago, then not having any contact with him should be a piece of cake.
The only thing I have to remind myself is, if he should contact me, I can't automatically cave in. Just because he chooses to talk to me doesn't mean that he wins. In fact, it doesn't really mean anything.
Pick yourself up off the floor. Move on with life. Should he ever ask what's going on, you really don't have to give him the time of day. You really don't. It may hurt to say 'nothing'. And if he doesn't pursue it then obviously he's not what you want or need. You need to cure yourself of this disease. ANd the first step is quarantine. Spend the time checking to make sure that you are ok. That the symptoms and side effects have no lasting marks on your soul and emotional well-being. And then, armed with your antidote, you move on.
You have to move on. So no one's interested. Ok. Well this is a chance to prove to yourself that you as a person isn't as bad as you'd like to think. You got involved in all of this in the first place because you wanted to grow emotionally. Well here's your chance. Grow. Grow dammit, grow! lol.
Water me with self-love. Plant me in preserverence, and nurture me with faith and trust in self. Place me in the sunny rays of self-respect and make sure that I am tended to. I intend to make these flowers bloom.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:46 am
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