Impetuous Butterfly
Back and forth I trek across the edge of the abyss. Sometimes hovering across the ether and contemplating throwing myself in. Losing myself in the darkness and baring my soul to the demons hidden in the black opaque darkness.What to do with these feelings? What to do with the emotional excess? What to do with all the pent-up feeling? How to hold back all the impatient desires and personal whims? How to brace myself for impact and remain stoic?
You are not good for me. I am not good for me. Why do I not see the error of my ways? Monday night was supposed to be a turning point for me. And yet I watch myself try and maneouvere into seeing him in person again. I'm offering either going over on Monday night or having lunch with him on Tuesday afternoon. I want to be friends again. And I still hyperventilate every time he comes online. Damn the coffee for making me go one step forward and two steps back. Damn my inconsistencies. I am letting go. I know I am. I must be.
Why am I so stupid? Why do I constantly do this to myself? Why do I constantly want to self-destruct? Why am I on this path? Sometimes it's like watching a trainwreck. I feel like I should not watch. I should turn away. And still I sit there and stare. I watch as I continually make a fool out of myself. I watch as I continually fall for someone who I should not. I watch as I try my best to rinse away all this emotion. To clear out all the feeling, all the love. I want the attention, I crave the love, I seek emotional fulfillment.
I want to let go, and I can be myself. But the lure of him, the lure of excitement calls me like a drug. Like a moth to the flame. Like a oasis in the desert. Like a glass of water to a dying dehydrated man.
I consistently throw myself into that black abyss. I teeter on the edge, willing myself over. I take a few steps forward and then haphazardly make my way back. Sometimes further along the cliffedge. Sometimes I simply stand there and watch. Sometimes I walk away. But always, I walk back.
The wanting, and the feeling, and the desire to talk to him, to tell him about my day is as unstoppable as the lure of a siren's call. The fated mermaids as they called age after age of seamen to their death in the oceans. I keep on coming back. I keep on wanting. And I keep on destroying this.
I want to be friends so desperately. I am so lonely. I want to share. I want him. I want his attention. And while I don't know if I really want to get involved in a relationship, I know that I want him around. I've let go of the hurt. I've let go of the anger. All that remains right now is the desire.
I keep on coming back to this edge. I keep on teetering on the brink of oblivion. I keep on wanting to throw myself out there and not come back. I want to fall into the arms of the dark. I want its blackness to envelop me in its embrace. I want to wash my mind and soul of all emotion. I want to sink into that oblivion and I want to love. I want to be brash. I want to scour myself of this contagion. I want to forget all about limits. I want to simply be. I want to fall into his arms and have him hug me and kiss me tenderly. I want the love returned, and I want this angst to be over.
I want to be friends. I want his attention. I want to be the centre of someone's universe. I want to be loved. I want to be freed from this self-imposed prison.
And the only way is to take that leap off the edge of the abyss. To fall into darkness. To embrace, forgive and forget. To act rashly without thought to cause or consequence. I don't want to think any more.
I want to act.
I want to love.
I want to be.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:20 pm
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