Furious Butterfly
I am absolutely furious. I am so angry. I am seething, and raging and mad. Kick him out now and never let him come back. He should not be able to affect me this way. Especially if I'm as over him as I constantly claim to be.Damn you. Damn you to hell. Damn you for being happy without me. Damn you for being in a happy mood without me by your side. Damn you for having fun without me. So glad that I'm not such a vital part of your life, enough so that you can go off and do your own thing without me.
Damn me for falling for this. Damn me for being nice and offering support and sympathy that was so obviously not necessary. Damn me for doing this to myself. I only have myself to blame. He is a jerk. He is an idiot. He is so not worthy of my time, worry, concern and care. So WHY THE HELL DO I DO IT? TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS CRAP?
I DON'T NEED THIS BLOODY CRAP IN MY LIFE. I DON'T NEED YOU. GET THE HELL OUT AND NEVER COME BACK. I don't want to know that some stupid girl has made everything alright, and made everything right for you in a way that I never could.
I can't bring out your faith. I can't bring out your love. All I seem to bring out is your bloody lust. What is so bad about me that you can't see me and appreciate and love me? What is it in me that repels every male that walks? What is it about me that cannot be loved? How can you not love me? How can you not care? And just as importantly, why the hell should I care?
Damn all of you to hell and may you stay in there and rot and NEVER COME BACK.
I hate you. I hate all of you. I am absolutely furious with you, and I am absolutely furious with myself for falling for this again. Damn my weaknesses, damn my stupidity, damn my tolerance and damn my inconsistencies.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
I hate this. I want to scour you out of my life, and I never EVER want to see you again. You don't care. Not really. You don't care if I walked off the planet and never came back. Because all that really matters to you is to have friends around you. And most likely you are with your friends. I hope they all betray you and leave to the wayside bleeding from mortal wounds. I hope you suffer an ignoble death and I pray that you will be pleading for mercy when the time comes. And that whoever is responsible for that death, will not yield.
Damn you.
Damn me.
Damn all this to hell.
It was all just an excuse to see you. I've just been stupid and such a fool. Such a fool to believe. Such a fool. All I wanted was to see you. To see if maybe htis could all work out. I am so deluded. I am so disillusioned. I am so dysfunctional. There is nothing in me but stupid hope. Stupid foolish hope.
I can't stand to see you happy. I can't stand to see you having fun. I can't stand to know that those feelings are capable of going through happiness without me.
I hate that you can still cause feelings in me. I hate that I still react to you. I hate that I care. Goddammit. I hate that I can feel so rejected and upset and angry and hurt. I'm not supposed to feel this anymore. You're not supposed to be able to bring me down like this. I'm not supposed to be affected by you.
Damn my self-delusions. Damn my unhappiness. Damn my stupidity and foolishness.
Little Butterfly, you are an absolute fool. Absolute Fool. Quit opening up your heart to be trampled on. Harden that soft heart of yours. Put it on ice, pour cold water over it, and leave it in the freezer. It won't do you any good in the long run to keep it warm and running.
You stupid, stupid, fool.
You don't care about me. You can just dismiss me out of mind. You don't think much of me. Deep down I'm just some floozy. There's no way that you can seriously love and care about me. You're just an ignorant fool. How could it be any other way? You don't love me. You don't care about me. I mean nothing to you. Absolutely nothing. Why should I care so much? Why should I hang around? WHy should I want you to be happy? WHy should I even care?!?!?!?
I don't mean anything to you. All that I really stand for is your stupid conscience. You did something to me that makes you feel bad. That makes you realise you were selfish. So you decided to make yourself feel better. I was just the stupid one. I was the one who reads too much into all this crap and I'm the one who has just let you come back in, waltz right in and waltz right back out again.
Nothing I can do will punish you. Because technically you never did anything. I was just the stupid one who assumed. I was the stupid one who read too much into things. All along you're just going about your own life. You don't need me. You only need to feel good about yourself. And you do that by trying to be friends with me. I'm nothing to you.
Absolutely nothing.
I hate you. I hate this. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. And I don't even dare tell you how much I hate you for making me feel this way. I am not a bad person. Why can't you love me? WHy can't anyone love me? What on earth is it in me that makes no one interested in me other than for appearance alone? Why is it the only person who wants me as more, is someone that I can't picture myself with? Someone who I know we can't get along as well as I would like? Why is it always the ones that we can't have are the ones we want hte most? The minute things become easy to obtain, we discard or ignore?
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:43 pm
1 Comments:
Oh my! Hope you are feeling better...
i've seen your "angsty" side but this time looks like you have blown the roof. Stay cool.. stay calm... take breaths...
To be honest, im hopeless at consoling people, so forgive me...
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