Euphoric Butterly
Everything feels like it's starting to fall into place. After the mark, there is nothing else that will worry me.I started talking to him again yesterday. For a few reasons. The biggest one because I was on 1 1/2 coffees. And when you're happy, you can't help but want to share it around. Or at the very least have everyone know that you're happy.... lol.
And I am. The mark made everything worthwhile. And upon re-reading, I know. I was very lucky. And I am so grateful. It made it all worthwhile. And I will not covet the extra 5 marks. I will not covet the 85 barrier, and I will not covet anything better. Because this is already more than I could or should hope for.
As to the other situation, well, I think I got so lonely the other day that I suddenly came to a conclusion that perhaps I can be ok with friendship. NOt the strongest way out. Not the bravest way out. But I think I closed the wound on Sunday, or was it Monday? night. ANd I think I've let go. four days doesn't seem like much. But then again, I've been on the pathway to reform for a few months now. I just like taking a few trips on the side to refresh my memory sometimes and get distracted. I'm not going to ask for him to love me. Because, 1. I know that's not possible, 2. It will only hurt me, and 3. WHy ask for something that should be given freely?
So I'm going to go about my merry way. From hereon out, I will be happy. Everything's good. I have my thesis. I have my honours. I have a job that gives me a satisfactory pay. I finished uni. I have a loving family. I have some semblance of a life. And I'm going out this weekend to the coast. I graduate in April. What more could a girl want for?
The only thing I'm really missing is genuine quality time with friends. I think that as long as I'm happy with my lot, there's nothing I can't have. And I really did enjoy his company. So it's not a matter then of who won or lost. I think I've gotten myself back. I think that I can stop pining and I can just let go and be happy happy happy, and he can sort himself out. I don't need to talk to him every night in order to be content. I already am content. I'm content with myself. I'm content with the fact that I strived for something, and despite the odds did well. While first class would have been ideal, I settled for something less a long time ago. And well, to still aim low and come just 5 off the coveted 'true' goal, well, that's more than anyone could ever hope for.
I honestly burst into happy tears when my supervisor rang me. My voice dropped 3 octaves, and I managed to breathe out, 'this is the call, isn't it?' I was a blubbering mess for practically the entire phone call. *rueful smile*
But yeh, it's amazing what academic success can do to calm and collect a person. It gives me a sense of inner confidence that nothing else can. This is something of my very own. Something that will never leave me. Something that is mine. through and through that no one can take away from me. I worked for it. Man I worked for it. The amount of angst I went through in September and October, yeh... I worked for it.
So as long as this happy euphoria remains, I will be ok. And I'd like to think that we can be friends. Because I think I finally see what he was pointing out to me all along. That we always were great friends. And I think that after I missed the point and got stuck on the relationship, nothing else mattered. It was like I'd gotten tunnel vision. But once I let that go, and realised that what I truly needed was someone to be there for me, and just be my friend and share all my time with, well.... why go after the difficult things when the easy ones are in your face?
It's time to recollect the happy-go-lucky girl from January. The one with her emotional walls fairly intact. The ones who can still laugh and have a good time, while protecting herself. It's not about self-esteem, or confidence, or believing in myself anymore. I already know that I'm good. The paper proves it. And I can believe in myself. It just takes time.
Our friendship will also take time. And I plan to not make him the focus of my life anymore. I'm going back to being independent. And I'm going to stop doing everything that he wants. I'm only going to do what *I* want. I was the one that messaged last night. I'm no longer going to sit around and wait for him. I'm going to move on with my life. And my life is good. My career path has a bit more direction. I'm appreciated at work, and despite all the itty bitty tribulations, well, everyone is sort've like family. There's the helpful sister figure who's going through a similar situation to myself, there's the brothers who look out for you and make sad jokes, and there's the motherish figure who takes care of all our interests and ensures that we're protected from the stings and arrows from the rest of the company.
On top of that, it's about time I remembered how to enjoy being by myself in general. there are many things I've always wanted to do. And now that I have time, freedom, and a much more reliable financial circumstance I can let go of a lot of the insecurities that I've harboured over the years.
Acadaemia is over for now. That chapter on my life has ended. The emotional wreck that I once was... hopefully it's gone and buried. It worries me that it only took 4 days. But to be honest, this thesis mark makes up for everything. Honestly it was a true surprise. I'd hedged my bets for so long that the appreciation of other academics has put a warmth in my heart like nothing else ever could have. Academic success. Not the highest accolade, but enough for me. Even I have aspiring limits. =P lol.
Let's hope the positive spin on everything is here to stay. That or I'm going to have to get coffee fed intravenously to me every morning while I'm asleep. Not good for the system, but judging by these results, most definately good for the soul.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:46 am
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