Entrapped Butterfly
So today's Tuesday. He will be in the city today - most likely.When I think about it, I'm not a part of your life anymore. Not really. I don't believe you will ever integrate me into your life; introduce me to your friends. It's never going to happen. You will never appreciate me. Perhaps you are hesitant to act simply because you don't want to hurt me and you are unsure of what you want. Well, I need to move on and not care so much whether you are sure or not. THe words seem so hollow and repetitive though. Every time I write them down and tell myself I'll do something, I'll always think of a way out. An excuse to go back.
FOr example, where am I going to go to lunch today? I know that you'll be in the city. PLUS, i'm wearing the boots that you like so much. But of course, I refuse to look desperate anymore. So it looks like I have a choice - my local bookstore, or the work verandah. I don't dare go into the city today .. or do i? =P
Someone shoot me if I meander my way into the CBD.
I've been so good for your ego. I make you feel good about yourself. But why should I stay? So what if I can continue to make you feel good? What do I get in return? It's not like you make me feel good about myself. In fact, it's often the opposite. YOu make me feel foolish and cheap. You make me question my actions and motivations, my priorities and my standards.
I want you to want me so badly that it kills you that you can't have me. Ironically though, that will never happen. Because 9 times out of 10, the minute you come a-calling, I'll be there with my little suitcase in hand, excitedly exclaiming, 'where are we going?' I'll never make you work for me or give you a chance to express yourself to me. I just want you too badly to hold back. I'm just too impatient to wait.
*sigh*
Every day is the same for me. I didn't talk to him online last night. But I did msg him in the afternoon. And yet again offered and yet again got rejected. He started this one, not me. Otherwise I would not have messaged. But if I held back from talking to him online last night, you never know, I might still make it yet. Thank goodness I bought that alias dvd box set the other day after all. Least it will keep me occupied for another night. Who would've thought that life would just involve finding ways to procrastinate or move away from the computer? =/
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:09 am
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