Despondent Butterfly
I'm still not very impressed with myself today. I started talking to him online for a little while last night, but it was still a very stilted conversation. I'm not yelling or fighting or arguing with him anymore. Technically I'm not supposed to care anymore. But it's so obvious that I do.That feeling that you get of spiritual clarity or being 'cleansed' after holding back from something that you want to do has left me. Every time I try to hold back, to 'do the right thing' I can feel that cleansed feeling start to settle on my soul. Yet every time, within a few days I have collapsed under the weight of desire and broken my fast. It's like an addiction I can't seem to shake. There is no cold turkey for me when he's just sitting there watching me bemusedly from his high tower. Or sometimes, what's worse is when he's not even watching at all. In fact his attention is focused elsewhere, and there I am below struggling to get in. When he doesn't really seem to care either way.
Relapse upon relapse. Always caving in to desire, "love" and loneliness. I delude myself into thinking that maybe we can be friends. Maybe that really isn't possible right now. Maybe it's something that should be worked at down the track in the near future, rather than at the current time. Because maybe I really can't take it as much as I constantly keep on telling myself I can. I hate these feelings. I had hoped that he'd see through my offer and recognise that it was a plea to see him. An excuse, and nothing more. Instead he just wipes it away. It cost a lot or maybe nothing at all (I don't even know/can't even tell anymore), for me to offer to see him. I just wish that he wanted to see me as badly as I want(ed) to see him.
You know what's just as bad? I'm tempted to go into the city and check out the cd shops tomorrow. Because I know that for once he will be in the city. I am so desperate to see him. But he won't treat me well. He'll be with friends. And he won't make a scene of any sort. He won't care enough to take me aside and talk to me or anything.
I really don't ned to care about him. I really needn't bother. Just like before, he just brushes me aside. I really don't need to feel, because he doesn't seem to really need me in his life. Telling myself to get over him really is redundant. I've been saying these words to myself for over a month now, and it hasn't done that much. If only I could just fill my life up with sleep and watching all my dvd box sets of x files and alias, that would be so sufficient. Live my life through fictional tv characters rather than experience first hand the destructive touches of emotional angst.
Sometimes when I think about it, my actions are like little tentacles. Reaching out, hoping that he might come back. Sending out little feelers to see what the environment is like. And each time I try, I get burnt, rebuffed and hurt. It's like I'm one of those test subject rats. I don't seem to learn the connection that opening up, making contact with him equates to being hurt, getting my ego crushed, and my little brittle heart broken over and over again. You'd think that I'd be able to flick the switch by now.
Why is it always the things that you want to do the most are always the ones that are bad for you?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:25 am
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