Wistful Butterfly
God I'm such a contradiction. I have sworn black and blue that I've gotten over you. I told my friend who came down to visit me on Sunday that I was single and loving it. I've stopped crying myself to sleep every night and I've justified to myself that love of any kind would just cause more trouble than it's worth. That in my current emotional development relationships will only be a waste of time with me hurting both of us involved. That my relationship expectations are unrealistic and I'm truly selfish. Who cares what you think when I have things that *i* need to say???Yet...
I had a fairly busy and mundane day today. I mean, just look at the amount of times i blogged while at work. ha! But at one stage I found myself digging through past email looking for things to chuck. And i came across some emails from you. Sweet is the only word that comes to mind to describe the nature of these emails. While i no longer claim that I will die without you and how dare you leave me, and what kind of crap person are you that never bothered to make me feel secure and loved, these emails prove otherwise. I still remember a time when you used to make me so happy i would cry. and this is just over a phone call.
So i mulled over these feelings during my lunch break, and I came to realise that if you knocked on my door tomorrow or rang me up and asked me back, I would take you back. If your frame of mind is the same as it was in those emails, I would take you back in an instant. In fact i am so certain that i was *this* close to emailing/msging/basically contacting you today. And then i halted. Self Respect seems to be the word of the day for me. I gave out so much. but then when i read those emails, maybe I was being blinded by the situation. Maybe i was being stubborn and refusing to accept reality. Maybe I was being the spoilt brat. the spoilt brat who always seems to rear its ugly head in relationships. Maybe I've been too harsh on you. Maybe I shouldn't have given you such a cold shoulder, and been willing to dicker and be friends with you. I don't know.
All i know is that reading those emails today during lunch, I wanted to give you a second chance. I don't even know if its loneliness talking. Because to be honest, with things in my life picking up *crosses fingers* it's not like i've been totally bored. If anything I've been trying to occupy myself properly. At the same time, everywhere i go these days, i will think of you. And i will wonder if you ever still think of me? I wish you would email me or ring me up. None of this sms crap.
I know you told me that fateful afternoon that you didn't really know what you wanted. and i know that there's no point of us being together if you don't know what you want. so i wish you'd hurry up and decide that you can't live without me, and just put down your silly pride for once and come back to me. All it seems I can do is wait.
The anger has dissipated somewhat, leaving only a slight longing for you to come back to me. Maybe I just want to feel the sweetness again. Maybe I just want the knowledge that you love me. Because your love can be so tender. And we could be so good together, as long as i stop behaving like a selfish spoilt brat. I know that's really hard for me to do. But then again, I never had a blog when we were quasi-going out. I'd like to think that blogging has helped me out if only to give everyone i know a break. It's like i have a new best friend that i can tell everything to *hugs blog tightly* and in doing so, i can delude myself into thinking that i have someone who knows me through and through. and of course, like this blog could ever betray me. blogs aren't like people. there are no risks. who's the blog going to tell? like the blog is going to decide to move to another owner one day. i mean, seriously.
maybe my ideals about love and relationships was all wrong to begin with. Maybe there is no true thing as a 'soulmate' that I can tell everything to. There is no person that i can lose my temper at and show all the ugly horrible sides of me, and still expect that person to love me. Everyone is human after all, and i am by no means perfection. So who are they to have to deal with me? Everyone has their limits and expectations. And in a way, would it be such a bad thing to see even as an experiment to not give myself fully to someone? the inner-most thoughts i can leave to this blog, and just leave the relationship as a light-hearted romp. Is that even possible? After all, as much as i wanted us to be serious, i think i ended up suffocating you to an extent. It's supposedly not in my character to do so, after all i'm always bragging about how independent i am. but you can't exactly blame me either. i'd just gotten out of a serious relationship, i was emotionally vulnerable and volatile, and you offered me a solace, a rock to rest my tired feet. and then you baulked, or something, when it got too much for you.
I don't know. I don't know why i'm trying to understand you. It doesn't help things. I don't think i can ever get a conclusion out of you until the day you decide that you are ready to face me. and i think that in your heart of hearts you've accepted that you've lost. when in reality, you haven't. the only way you've lost, is in the way that you've given up so soon. you didn't put your pride on the line. not really. you haven't really sacrificed much you know? or maybe you have and i'm still being clouded in my judgement.
i don't know.
all i know is that i wish you would come back to me. It sounds so cowardly of me. I am not helpleses. I want to be taken care of, yes. I want someone there for me. But i'm not about to settle. I'm not about to say yes to every tom dick and harry that asks. But the genuiness that i felt in those emails that you sent - that's the type of love i want. I just want you back. the you that loved me so completely. where are you?
i don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight. i really don't. And i don't want to cave in anymore than i already have. I just want you to sacrifice a bit of your pride. i want you to come back to me and repeat one more time how much you want us to work. and how much you've missed me. how much you needed me, and how much you love me.
is that really too much to ask?
Are we truly through?
Is love so fleeting? Deep down i do you know. as much as i hate to admit it, i do love you, despite all the hurt that you've inflicted on me. despite the way that you stuffed all this up. oh alright, fine, i'll even throw myself in for good measure. after all you weren't the only one in the relationship and it takes two to tango as the cliche goes. and in this case it is very true. i had my own problems and baggage.
I just...
I want you back.
I guess the $40,000 question is: Do you want me?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:22 am
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