Twisted Butterfly
Good Morning world. I think I need to get my head examined. Don't get me wrong. Every emotion I have, I feel with genuine intensity. It just seems that after a night's rest, things either fall into place or move along the emotional spectrum. I don't get it.Maybe I don't need to ring him after all. What's the point? I've already decided to move on anyway. So why bother stirring up a still pond? The water's cleared now. It cleared three weeks ago. And I don't get why he comes back and emails me. It's not even like you feel guilty. There is no apology there. What do you want from me? Is this a play to get me back in the game? Or are you just dealing with your emotions now?
There are a few things stopping me from letting go completely. Curiousity is one. But not really. I mean, so what? You emailed. big whoop. At the same time, I'm a little tempted to see what you will do, and how i will react to you. I'd like to know whether or not I'm really over you. Another is probably my own sense of self-destruction. I seem to love getting into situations where I will be emotionally torn apart or at the very least stir things up. Life is so boring anyway. I seem to have a tendency to just ensure that things will never go smoothly. That or i just continually have an obsessive compulsive streak that rears its ugly head whenever it's wiser and better to just leave things alone.
But i think the thing that is most probable for motivating me to contact you is that damn stupid line at the end. "You don't need to reply to this either, i just had to get it out." How dare you? That is so arrogant. ...or is it? :S. I mean, just because you say I don't need to reply doesn't mean I have to listen to you. After all this crap, why should I do anything you tell me to? I mean, yes, if you hadn't said that last line I would happily revel in dismissing you out of hand. But you had to put that last line in and get me under my skin. grrrr...
I don't care that you may well have written that last line simply to tell me that you weren't looking for a reply, and that you were just looking for an outlet. I should be able to decide that on my own. How dare you. Even I did better than you and just moved away. Even at those weak and vulnerable moments I was reminded kindly but firmly from friends that I should just leave him alone. I didn't bother you with this type of crap when you had your thesis. and now that you've got time on your hands, i'm just suddenly supposed to fold and allow you to come in and trample all over my life??
I don't care that you choose to email me as a means to closure. If you hadn't written that last ps, then I would just ignore you and dismiss you out of mind. i guess, i just don't like you getting the final word, not to mention closure. And knowing me, I"m not the type of person that has closure. I mean, yes I can get over a person, but for whatever bizarre reason you'll still crop up in my mind every once in a while. I'lll sill reminisce and complain and angst over it. Not particularly healthy, but what can i do? anyway, why should closure exist in your world anyway? You come into my life, screw me up royally and then expect me to just pat you on the head and say 'its ok?'
Why should I give you the satisfaction of closure? Why should you be allowed to get away with it? I've spoken to two people since last night about this, and both times they pointed out that you didnt' even apologise. Looks like i've caught out your thinking process. You're not feeling about me. You're not even really thinking about me. That email was all about you and moving on. If i have it my way you will NEVER move on. How dare you. You should never get over me. I want you to regret this for the rest of your life.
Of course you being the stupid capricorn that you are you'll roll with it. I should've picked a more self-pitying sign. *sigh*
It's kinda weird in a way. I mean, wouldn't it be like, so good if you did actuallly manage to come across this blog? I used to bemoan my stupidity for linking this thing to blog directories. I used to be terrified of what you would think if i flamed you in any way. Right now, I just want you to know what my thought processes are. At the same time, sometimes I think that you truly are a selfish individual and that we don't really understand each other all that much. Your last line may well simply be a throw away line in case i felt obligated to reply. You may also have put it there because you didn't WANT me to reply. I know that feeling. I wrote one of those emails myself. But that doesn't mean I sent it to you. I blogged it and left it at that. Why do you have to do this to me? Why throw me in a spin?
*sigh*
I have serious issues =S. I think that once i get that lobotomy that I've signed up for things will look a hell of a lot better. I may as well use this window of opportunity to let you know how i really feel (if that will even let me go there), and move on. I think in some form I've just put all my emotional angst in stasis. It allows me to function on a day-to-day basis, but it doesn't necessarily allow me to grow emotionally. All it seems to have done is made me shrivel up inside my shell and put back up the emotionally deprived and stunted wall that is my barrier to all that moves me.
Yes people, love sucks. Don't let people fool you otherwise. And having said that, what are the chances that I'll let us be friends - if that's what you ask for? Of course as my friend pointed out to me: what's the point of me talking to him anyway? He's just about moved on. I'm still dwelling in the past. This is why i should never get involved with anyone. I'm an emotional wreck. Twisted and bitter and constantly reliving things that I should just let go of. Someone should just yank my little heart out and put it in a safety deposit in another universe and throw away the key. Heartless is as heartless does. There's no need for me to be so emotional. It doesn't get me anywhere except produce a 10 point richter scale migraine.
You think that you can just get away with this?
I don't think so budddy...
And on that point, breakfast is calling.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:57 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home