Tempted Butterfly
Extraneous Thought 1.50amHe told me that he'd debated for a long time before he sent me that email. And as i explained to him how i felt and wondered why he was asking for us to be friends, he told me that maybe he shouldn't have sent me that email after all. And then asked me, "i'm opening up old wounds aren't i?"
Are they old wounds? Have i moved on? Is he just trying to go after something that I am no longer interested in? Has he lost his opportunity for anything with me?
Maybe I should just go online and ask him those questions that I'm so tempted to ask, and afterwards just leave it all dangling. It won't matter in the end.
~*~*~*~*~
I am so tempted to just add him on msn now. THe burning question i'm dying to ask right now is, 'why should i give you a second chance to be friends with me?' 'what's in it for me?'
but i shouldn't. i shouldn't add you back onto my msn just yet. I should give myself some space. I should give myself some self-respect. I don't want to start hanging onto his every word like he's some Solomon with words of advice dripping from his mouth like molten gold.
I'm really tired tonight. I started waitressing again. My feet were killing me by 8.30. And after all the glass clearing and humourous dialogue with customers, the best we could do on tips collectively was 4.20 each. gah. thank goodness for our boss who has a tendency to subsidize our earnings. he bumped it up to $7.
Throughout the night though, despite my cheery mood and constant smiling he's been on my mind. I'm trying to figure out if it's really worth my while to stay in contact with him. I'm not angry or upset that I have to make the decision as to whether or not he stays in my life. To be honest, I'm kind've a little vindicated to know that he still wants to be friends with me. I think all along it was always friendship that he was after. he's too cowardly and he's got too many emotional chips on his shoulder (although i have no idea from WHAT) to ever go after love specifically. i think that it was lust that got in the way with him. it's very disappointing in a way. his demeanour and line of action is so different to my ex. My ex wanted love. My ex asked for the relationship back. not the friendship.
I wonder if i should make up a new rule: every time i think about him, i go to sleep instead.
it would actually be a very sensible rule. I haven't really caught up on my sleep. I think i'm a few months behind. But yeh, it might actually clear my head a bit too. I've been turning the conversation we had last night over and over in my head last night and today. I don't dare let myself feel sweetness or appreciation over his words. I try and numb myself to them. There is no point me harbouring hopes of any sorts towards him. I will only get burned. So why do i have to tempt myself into having him back in my life???
I think i should stop putting myself through this misery and just blowdry my hair and go to bed. it's 1.21am. I'm exhausted from work tonight and the cds that i bought on friday aren't as good as they should be - even for the price.
i must venture to add also - he was in the city on friday!! we were BOTH in the city. we BOTH visited the same stores, albeit at different times. I wonder what would've happened if we'd both been in the same stores at the same time...? I bet he wouldn't approach me. I've been doing so many things lately and wondered if he thought about me. He told me last night that he hasn't been dealing with us well at all. in fact, he still isn't dealing well with us.
I guess so.
At least my half-curse about him turning into one of those crisp autumn leaves and curling up and dying in the midst of an awry footfall worked.
Don't ever mess with me. That's all i have to say.
Right, going to bed. All this blogging and thinking, and staying awake isn't doing me any good. I'm telling myself that I need to give myself a week to think this through properly. And to make sure that I don't fall into the same traps that I did the first time around. This time around I will call the shots. We are technically starting anew. And I want to be able to show that I have grown or changed, and am different in some ways from the last time. I want him to see the changes. I need to be my TRUE self. And i need to be able to feel self-respect in the morning. I need to be able to respect myself and trust my gut instincts. I have to stop being impulsive and cutting through crap and being straight forward.
It's about time i remembered how to play hard-to-get. No more sycophanting fawning. No more 'i love yous' no more 'i miss yous' no more 'you are so funny/hilarious/so cool'. Bring on the indifference. Bring on the ability to say no. Bring on the cynic. Bring on the independence.
I don't need him. I deserve better than he could ever hope to give me. And if at the end of the day I still somehow stupidly decide that I will settle, or at the very least want him around in some form, then by hell and high water it will be by MY rules.
i will not be walked over. (at least i sure don't hope so)
May my ten second resolutions last. May they stick. And may i for once in my god damn life be resolute, steadfast and strong.
I need my dignity back. I need ME back. I will NOT be overshadowed by you. I will NOT be swayed by you.
And I hope that you will regret and berate yourself over losing me, losing the real me, for the rest of your life. Whatever I choose to give you, you will never get the same person I once was. And i hope you regret it.
FOR. THE. REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:31 am
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