Shaken Butterfly
It looks like everyone is going to have a field day today. This is probably not the best time for me to be doing this. But I don't know what else to do. I am in shock and tears sitting here. My best friend has gone to bed and is unavailable to take my call.He emailed me. After all this. It seems quite apt in a way because I was just thinking of him yesterday/today and wishing that he would contact me and ask me back. I know that I shouldn't breach privacy, and all that. But in order for you to understand, I should give context. And since no one is available to 'take my call' literally and figuratively, (no one is on msn) i may as well put it up here. Depending on what happens or what i decide i can choose to delete it later anyway. but for now, i need to put this up. and maybe someone can help me figure out what the hell to do.
"Don't panic, this is the last time i'm going to be in touch... i'm not going to keep pestering you. I just wanted to write this e-mail, to let you know that i truly value the time that we had this year (the whole year).
I can honestly say i have had more fun with you this year than i have with anyone else, EVER.
You are a great person, and i hope you continue to see that. And trust in your own abilities, because you can do anything, even when you doubt yourself, know that deep down, you can handle anything (hey, you handled me without killing me, that's an achievement)
Ok, well, time to leave you alone. I just wanted to share how special you are, and how much i value our time this year, you made the year bearable.
Always
****
P.S. You don't need to reply to this either, i just had to get it out."
And that's it. What the hell did he want me to do? I need advice. I want to ring him up. I don't know what to do. what the hell do i do? Obviously he's ready to let go yeh? Do i still want him back?
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I did manage to get hold of my best friend. The decision is to ring him up and figure out exactly what he means by this email. To be honest, it seems quite selfish. Why should I give him the satisfaction? It's like he's just doing this for closure. I don't want him to have closure. I want him to suffer.
We've figured out that the question/thing that I want to know is: what brought about this email? What exactly was he hoping to get out of this email?
If you ask me what type of answer I really want - I want him to apologise (note he didn't apologise in his email), and tell me that he would really like for us to be friends and that he's realised how badly he's screwed up and that we could start all over again. that he still loves and cares for me and he's willing to give us another try. I want him to pull down his sorry pride for once and just apologise and love me and tell me what he truly thinks and feels. I mean, why after all this time, just send me an email to tell me that I'm a special person?
I know i'm a special person. Hell that's why I got so upset in the first place - because he didn't seem to appreciate what i was. He just took advantage and control of the situation and left it at that.
There are two possibilities that he could give in reply to my question.
1. He really is just trying to find a way to apologise and for us to be ok. He does in fact want me back as something more than just a friend.
OR.
2. He just wants us to be friends. There is no way in hell that we could work out (because he's decided so) and therefore I'm just a means to an end for him to achieve closure.
You're a sorry piece of work you know that don't u? Just when things are looking up in my life you come sauntering back in here and have thrown me. I sat there read that email and started sobbing. if only because the email sounded so much like you were ready to move on. like, you're not even willing to try and see if we can be together. you say that you will stop pestering me. Umm, buddy... you've smsd me like 3 times in the past month. you've emailed me twice in the last two months. that's not pestering. that's barely a mosquito whine.
What i'm hoping for is that deep down you want us to work out. what i think will happen is that you just want me to be ok so your conscience will feel better. i want you to spell out what you really think and feel about me. i want you to bare your soul to me. i want you to be ready. and i will go as slow as necessary. because 1. we have all the time in the world, and 2. i want to make sure i do the right things this time.
but you being you, chances are you will stuff it up (again). and tell me that you aren't ready for any relationship and that you just want to be friends.
damn you. why did you have to email me? i know that i've been nostalgic of late and wanted you to come back to me. but not like this.... not like this.
I'm going to ring you tomorrow and sort this out. I'd ring right now but my best friend advised me against it. that on top of the fact that i'm actually mentally exhausted from work and lack of sleep (not to mention physically exhausted from chasing after trains all week) means that it would most likely be best for both of us if i get some rest before tackling you.
Coherency is always conducive to clarifying problems and creating solutions.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:24 am
1 Comments:
Well as a girl, and in particular *this* girl, I tend to overanalyse and obsess a little more than is normal (even for the female species). And this can lead to many problems. Schizophrenia and multiple personality disorders aside, the main issue that I was expressing (or trying to express) in my blog was pure panic.
I have pretty much run the gamut of emotions over this guy. I've gone from love to denial to anger to hurt to acceptance/denial pretty much all in one shot. It makes it confusing sometimes to sort out what it is I really want. And how in turn I should be reacting. It's gotten to such a point that sometimes I don't even know what to think, feel or act like anymore.
I tell myself things so that I can move on with life. And sometimes the things that I tell myself are probably mind games. Sometimes, they're probably the ugly truth that I actually *don't* want to deal with, but in times of deep and wallowing self-pity I find myself saying them anyway. Emotional martyr and all that. Emotional chip on the shoulder more like.
I'm curious though. In you saying that when a guy sends out an email request it is a way to reach out for a response... does that still apply when says 'you don't need to reply to this'? or is the contradiction gene also active in the male psyche? (i.e. i say one thing but mean another?)
As to your concerns about being an expert in relationship issues, i don't think there is anyone who ever is. I for one am definately not. All i seem to do is play mind games with everyone, myself included, in order to delude all and sundry that not only does love suck, but also that love is the greatest thing since man invented cheese and tomato sandwiches.
Any advice/suggestions/points of observation are always worthwhile, if only because sometimes the most obvious or supposedly banal advice are usually the most useful and important. It's like the adage that the simplest things are usually the hardest to create. sometimes the simplest solutions take the most difficult and complicated means in order to ensure its completion.
Thanks for your point of advice. I will keep it in mind =)
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