Rusty Butterfly
When I handed in my last essay for my honours coursework, I was pleasantly surprised by the praise that my supervisor gave me for the quality of the writing. He commented that I was probably still on the thesis bandwagon and was writing sharp and critically. To be honest, other than being really tired and feeling fed up, I really couldn’t be bothered writing that last essay. I wrote it in basically 36 hours give or take. And I hated every moment of it. The blogs I was posting up that entire week show how much I was through with things. I have never felt so guilt-ridden in my life. And I finally understood why people say that writing can be such a lonely process. I know, because during that week, I preferred staying at home in my room, holed up by four walls, rather than going out to have fun. It wasn’t like I was being productive at home. I may as well have gone out and had some fun. Instead, I chose to stay at home, read fanfiction, blog, watch tv, and mope.Despite all this, somehow my supervisor commented that my writing was good. And I came away feeling two warring emotions. One was that if only I could’ve had such genuine praise on my thesis. I think I will always regret that. The main reason being of course, that I wasn’t ready to let that thesis go. Whereas this essay, I had the timing etc all worked out. I had my time (fairly) organized, and realised when it was time to let certain things go. I had time to revise to my satisfaction. With my thesis, I expected too much and did not give myself enough time to feel closure. I handed that thesis in thinking, ‘but there’s still so much I have to fix! I can’t just throw it away!’ so in some sense, there was no closure with that thesis.
At the very least with this last essay I can walk away fairly satisfied. I mean, I had another read of it last night, and I admit that there were errors etc. but overall, I’m content. It was the most I could do given the time I had, and I am satisfied. But that thesis… grrr… it bugs me. I could’ve worked on it later that night when I got home. But I didn’t. I think I was basically so exhausted, so overwhelmed with the idea of the ‘thesis; that I just gave up. I’m not sure. There is no turning back. What’s done is done. All I can hope for now is that my efforts were strong enough, or my markers are generous enough to give me that 2AA. It’s my last bastion of hope.
The other issue that has been nagging me lately about the last essay are my concerns that my writing skills will deteriorate. Without a thesis keeping me on my toes, I’m worried that all the pain I went through to get ‘sharp critical’ writing will fall by the wayside. How will I keep my writing teeth keen? Blogs can only do so much. And even though I write reports for work, the caliber is just not the same. I don’t really have to be all that critical at work. And the reports usually aren’t collaborations. They’re just individual reports. So I can’t really bounce ideas off anyone. Not like I could with my supervisor. It’s moments like these where I wish I had a buddy that I could stick with. Someone who I could be close to, who was constantly there assisting me in times of need like writing reports. You know, your personal scherazade.
I just don’t want to see the things that I’ve worked so hard for slip through my fingers and get rusty simply because I have no more opportunities to keep them sharp and honed. Maybe I will revert back to my old career in journalism. Hrmm… worth a thought. But of course, me being lazy ol’ me, I’ll end up despising the industry just like old times, if only because I hate interviewing. Gah….. I feel like one of those snakes.. the ones where they bite their tails. I can’t remember the name of it right now. It starts with ‘o.’ anyhow, what I’m basically trying to say is that I feel like I’m going around and around in circles and it’s doing nothing but eating myself up (literally in that example, and figuratively in general). I’d like to say that maybe it’s just my tiredness speaking, but the thing of it is, I really do care and worry that my writing and critical thinking skills will start rusting.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:45 pm
4 Comments:
Guess you got your well-deserved praise from your supervisor for your essay... nice way to end your coursework :)
thanks zan =)
if only i got as great for the thesis. sadly it seems i did better in the last essay than i did for the thesis. and it doesn't help my vanity or my competitive streak to know that other people finished their thesis ahead of time. *mutters*
nothing i can really do about anything now though. to be honest, i'm just glad it's all over. and if i have it my way, i don't even want to know the marks or attend graduation. just knowing that i completed everything is enough. i don't want to deal with the guilt and regret once i get the marks back.
cowardly isn't it? *rueful smile*
From one avid, devout and awestruck Sarah fan to the other, you are very welcome to link me :) Hope to see you visit often.
As to the angst, well, it's fun to wallow in self-induced misery. It makes life seem so much simpler to deal with. all you have to do is bang your head against the wall, rant, scream and rage, and suddenly the world just clears into a nice misty red haze.....
Yes, I agree, 'deep within i'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you' is one of my favourite lines. It speaks to me in ways that only Sarah can.
As to angsty entries - i've had a fairly decent day (as my latest post states), so I doubt your thirst for angst will be satisifed today.
However, feel free to browse through the last three months of archives. I'm sure you'll find something to your taste. *rueful smile*
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