Respecting Butterfly
Home has never been the most ideal for me. I would never dare to venture that I had a rough childhood. I have been very lucky in some respects. I have people who love me. Who I know love me, and in many ways whenever I have desired things, I have not been found wanting. In some respects you could even argue that I have been spoiled.At the same time, financially home has not been too good for me. I seem to have a strange relationship with money. I can be both generous and stingy at the same time. I will go out and splurge (just look at my book and cd collection) and I can also hold back and count and hoard every penny. Why? Because money is tight.
The original financial package I was offered was well above what I had expected to get and fight for. Even with my honours degree and practically 3 years experience, the number they offered me was beyond my expectations. The one that they offered me last week was greatly reduced. And I implied or at the very least made it known that I would prefer the price I was offered.
I went home unhappy and ready to pick a fight. Home’s finances are not exactly sound. I am in essence the only breadwinner. And at my age I chafe against the responsibilities and ‘burden’ to some extent. Selfish, I know. Young, yes I am the first to admit. Immature even. But there it is. I don’t like all this responsibility. I am a lot more responsible than a lot of people my age. And that should be sufficient. But deep down I do resent the added loads and pressures that come from being the eldest. On top of everything else, having to be responsible for a home and family that I did not choose to be in gets me. It sounds so ungrateful and even I cringe a bit when I type it out. But I’m being honest. It’s not like I’ve gotten married and here I am having to deal with bringing money in. I was born into this family. I didn’t choose my financial circumstances.
So I guess I come away from home thinking that money is very important to the household. I had it in my mind that deep down the family resented the fact that I couldn’t ‘bring more’ home. When in reality mum’s just thrilled that I’m out there working. Because from hereon out, everything will get better. Slowly but surely things will get better. Whereas in my twisted demented immature brain all I thought was that she was deep deep down upset that I couldn’t bring more home to make the house more comfortable. I guess I just took those jokes that I was like a money tree, “When in need of cash just come to me” a little too personally.
Anyhow, I dealt with everything this week and figured the lowest number they offered is still good, if only because it’s a higher hourly rate than what I get now. Which is always good. And by expecting low, most of the time anything else is a bonus, right? And that makes for happier living. This is the way my mind works. It loves to play mind games with myself. See, deep down I know that I would probably be offered around higher than the lowest number.
I know from experience that I tend to put a lot more pressure on myself than is required. I push myself and expect a lot more from myself than most people would expect. It seems I have this tendency or desire to be just that little bit more. To have that small buffer to protect myself from accusations that I did not try enough. A little insurance policy in case things go wrong. While this is all good and fine when it comes to abstract things or even in terms of human communication and interaction (you give out a little more than expected and to some extent people are more willing to be nice to you, if only to reciprocate – I know sneaky and very bad form) when it comes to work and pay, I think that my insurance policy doesn’t do all that well.
So today when I went in to talk to my new boss about things, she comes out with a number just a little below what I was originally offered. Imagine my surprise.
I took it.
But when I went to tell my friend, she told me that I should’ve stuck with the original offer. And she has a point. The questions that I come away with from things like this is, how much is my true self worth? Outside of the mind games, how much do I truly believe I’m worth? My old boss made a specific statement to the new boss that I am worth a lot more than the second boss was offering. I was told point blank to my face today that everyone in this department loves me, and that I’m effectively an asset. So in her telling me that, doesn’t that mean that that opens the door for me to negotiate? That I should’ve taken the bull by its horns and fought for it? Fought for my value? Fought for my price?
Instead I sat there meekly and said, ‘ok.’ What does this say about me? Have my internal mind games backfired? I didn’t want to make a big scene. I didn’t want her to be in a hard position over me. I didn’t want to cause ripples in the pond. I just want some decent pay a nice plush job and get on with life. I don’t want any more ‘real’ expectations. I’m happy to slip under the radar undetected. My ambitions can wait. I just want some peaceful time alone. Honours has caused enough excitement in my life without having to deal with anything more.
So is my self-preservation to get what I want within the realms of acceptability in tandem with what can actually be achieved? When is a good time to realise the battle is lost or won? Did I cave in too early? Was I in fact being too nice? Should I have made one last ditch stand and went ‘are you positive/sure/is there really no chance of getting the original figure?’ Or did I read things correctly and do what was the eventual conclusion without going through all the motions? I tend to cut through crap. Most of the time I find it a waste of time and effort. Why bother? Or do my actions in fact reveal a deeper me? One that has no true sense of her self worth?
Do I truly know what I stand for? In monetary values do I truly know what it is I am worth? Do I have enough guts to stand for it? Or am I too afraid that everyone will dislike me if I do? Will they respect me any less if I stop being so subservient and just stand up for things? Or do I just have to choose the right battles? And how do I know what those battles are? I need advisors, like a king or queen does in order to rule the country. People to tell you ‘this is the right way to do things’.
I want my respect, but I also want to be liked. And sometimes they don’t always mesh. And I think I may well have a tendency to allow the desire to be liked to override the desire to be respected. That is why I admire Him so much. He stands up for what he believes in. He’s got my respect in him simply going against what I want and not caring that I will like him less or more. Ironically it is also the one trait that I dislike about him. In fact, for most people I truly dislike stubbornness. I make such an effort to be open to people and their ideas and thoughts. I respect everyone, and in turn I expect that respect to be returned. Yet, he didn’t do that – or I wouldn’t have gotten so upset with him rejecting me because ‘I couldn’t walk on eggshells around you’ (even though I didn’t want to either, and I walked on those damn eggshells around him for a month).
Is my approach to life wrong? Or is it correct, except in the realm of pay negotiation where it is one of the few acceptable places to be ruthless?
After all, this is money we're talking about. And at the end of the day, abstract values stand for nothing against cold hard cash in your bank account.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:02 pm
1 Comments:
Thanks for the encouragement =)
Yes at the end of the day it is just money. In some ways though the job and finance package they are offering me is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand, I'm obviously pleased and grateful for the money. Out of all my friends you could argue that i've gotten the best deal. However, at the same time, this job has effectively tied me down to the company a little more than i had originally planned.
See, if they stuck with the second offer, I would take it (because i need the money) but I would also start seriously looking for something better. there's nothing like a financial goal to keep the ambition and motivation to do better running.
Now, i think i may well end up sitting pretty at this company for a while, in order to soak up the feelings of 'success' in a way. Gloat a bit and all that.
At the end of the day though, I don't want to turn into a sad case that works at one company for their entire life. I'd like to have some variety. And my dream of being an ambassador/diplomat is one that I still harbour in the deep recesses of my career choices. So there are options for me. But i think that until i can truly be happy or at the very least acknowledge and recognise my worth and be confident enough to fight for my self-respect (we're talking in monetary terms here), I will most likely stay where i am.
and to be honest, i don't know if staying here long term or short term is a good or bad thing.
Post a Comment
<< Home