Justifying Butterfly
My blog looks so nice and clean with the black banner and the lyrics underneath. It seems such a waste to mar it. Well i marred it anyway. Now that i'm blogging instead of leaving it up, you won't be able to see it like that anymore. Unless of course you click on Calming Butterfly and see it all on its lonesome. But even then, it's not the same, because you get pink writing up the top instead of grey. oh well...Right. So why am I blogging at 7pm then? To justify to myself why I've been so idiotic lately. My intention to blog everything out was supposed to make life easier for me. Blogging was supposed to clear my head of all the thoughts that keep on running around my head. So what made me make this faux pas and add him back on? Why couldn't I wait for seven measly days? Why couldn't I hold out? What exactly do I want? I don't know what I want =(
Is it that I want to give myself a second chance? Am I just using that 'question' of mine as an excuse to keep in touch? Come on, be honest with yourself. You know you can live without him. You can do it. You've done it for like three weeks if not more already. So why bother? Why stick around? Why not just give him the lesson he deserves and treat yourself properly? I know that you are constantly bemoaning your own self-respect. I know that you don't exactly think so highly of yourself in these little moments of insecurity. But that doesn't mean in the big picture that you are self-assured and confident. The facade that you build up is supposed to help you. Why not use that facade as an example? Why not treat that facade as everything you want to be? Why treat it like it's something that you are erecting to hide your true self? Why not just become the unemotional confident cold bitch that you know you can be? Why bother being nice? It's not going to get you anywhere. Not with him. Just get over your insecurities. Forget about how other people think about you. Forget about wanting to be remembered in a good light.
Can I do that? What about revenge then? What happens there? I want him to suffer eternally. Can I do that? Can it be done? How do I go about it? How do I make him never have closure over me? How do I make him suffer? I just hope that he doesn't become trigger happy with the block button also, and watch me come online every night. Now that i've added him back on and unblocked him, he'll be able to see me online. Hrmm.. I could probably leave it off for a week. And if he doesn't come back, then we simply delete him. Yes, that's a good idea. Give him a week. If he doesn't come online, then we just leave it. That way I would've given him/us/me a chance, and then moved on. After all, I did say that I would think about it. And hopefully this time when I say 'delete and forget' I really will delete and forget. And I don't care if I'm being unreasonable or stupid or girlish.
Come on, let's just get this over and done with. What do I really want? You know that despite your anger and bitterness towards him, your heart has moved on. He's not going to move you the same way again. You've put up the safety net right? You've got the restrainers and the training wheels. You will not be open to his tricks again. You will not be vulnerable. Whereas before you had the vision that he didn't want you stuck permanently in your consciousness as a reminder that you had to move on, now you can also come away realising that during those weeks you were happy and content. And it is nice to see other people as potential again. Who would've thought that getting attached would be such a burden? Having to be loyal, while not necessarily a chore, does limit your circle a little. Albeit it is supposed to something you voluntarily choose to do. But still, you should also be able to look at it objectively and realise that it is a fact that once you start going out with someone you do in a sense become tied down.
Oh stuff it, I'm getting too paranoid. I'm going to reblock.
*there*
I feel safer now. Don't ask me why. I just do.
I went to see Bridget Jones Diary II today. Mmmm.. it was ok. I don't know if you could classify it as therapy. But it seemed a little apt in some ways. That or I'm still willing to be emotionally maniuplated by Hollywood. At least in Hollywood you know the ending. You know that things will be ok, and that it doesn't matter how many times you get screwed around (figuratively) everything will work out. It's what escapism is all about. I don't dare to be too optimistic and hope that life works out the same.
My meeting with the superivsor went well in case anyone's curious. It's all over now anyway. Why should I care anymore? There's nothing I can do to change any of it, although my supervisor still reckons that my thesis is a better piece of writing than the last essay. Which is a good sign I guess. I just don't have high hopes is all. Although I'll admit that I've been retalked into applying for DFAT one day. Not by my supervisor, but by one of the girls at work. So at least I have something to aim for again. Which is nice in a way. And if I'm being so realistic about everything, then I'll also know that if I do get around to getting hired by them, relationships aren't really all that great anyway. Diplomatic jobs are hell on wheels for relationships. And it's probably better that way. I really should empty out this heart of mine and just move on. Why bother with all this crap? I've made my move and let him know that I've added him back on. That should be enough. And if I never get to talk to him - well, so be it. It's not like I wasn't willing to give it a chance. I just couldn't bring myself to go that *final* step.
Yes, that's it. God, I'm such a horrendous case of denial and deceit. Someone shoot me now...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:20 pm
4 Comments:
Wow your new black theme looks quite cool. Actually it is nice to see a change once in a while.
Revenge is a weird emotion and sometimes at the end of it all i wonder if it is worth it. i was supposed to watch Bridget Jones too over the weekend but my friend pulled out last minute. Is it a nice show?
Hey Zan,
Thanks about the black banner. Yeh, I got sick of looking at the same heading everytime i logged in (i.e every ten minutes). I've changed it a few times in the last three months, but I agree with you, I quite like this one, so i'll probably stick with this one for a while. Least until the wind changes direction =D
Bridget wasn't bad. A lot of cringeworthy moments where I sort've sunk in my seat and died for her. It starts off a bit disconcerting though because it's so similar to the beginning. I was actually talking to someone else about the movie before going to see it, and they commented that the movie had got lots of mixed reviews (which is understandable, considering how loved the first one was). Overall though, it was enjoyable. I've actually been trying to pick it apart trying to figure out if it's worthy as a sequel. There are a lot of similarities and parallels between the first and second. Uh, I guess what I'm trying to get at is if you're looking for an enjoyable movie, by all means go and see. But don't expect to be blown away by anything. I'd give it a B. For originality, content and visuals. You can tell in some scenes that obviously they had a bit more money to throw around this year.
As to revenge, I don't even know if i'm looking for revenge anymore. I was thinking about my blog this morning and I got that feeling that you get when you start getting irritated and 'sick of' the entire thing. I'm sick of thinking about this stupid situation. I'm sick of having to decide or know what it was I want to do about everything. And it just doesn't seem to be able to go away.
Oh thanks for giving me a heads up on the show. Hmm.. i have watched the first one and if the story is something like it then probably the lack of originality might bore me. i liked the first one because the story was original and well done.
Judging by your entries of late, i can tell that bit-by-bit all the angst has become frustration and irritation. Perhaps Time, the so-called healer of wounds, will help you move on and bring you to happiness.
Frustration and Irritation seems to be the least of my worries right now. In the last two days, I'm practically at a loss as to what to do next.
And after last night's msn conversation, I'm trying to figure out if he's managed to neutralise most of my bitterness.
It seems like nothing can work out. But I don't want to be the cause of my own self-destruction either and look back and wish that I'd given myself the second chance to sort everything out.
After that first phone call with him last Friday night, I was at a total loss as to what to do with him. And now that I've found out all this other information, I don't know what to do still.
Perhaps understanding a situation isn't necessarily a good thing? I don't know. THere are no 'should haves, could haves, if onlys'. There is only here and now.
And here and now, I don't know what to do with myself.
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