Indecisive Butterfly
I've spent the last hour rereading my blogs. And throughout the whole time I've been negotiating with myself. Somewhere on line # 923,968,103,845 i suddenly jumped to a conclusion that I don't want this. I don't want to be emotionally screwed around anymore.I think I'm just going to leave it. I think I might not even bother letting him know what I want. I'm sorely tempted. It might be bad form. But I think it might be best for me. (i think).
If there is one trait that I truly dislike about myself, it is my ability to constantly change my mind. For every moment that I decide on something, for that moment, it is true. When i say that i don't want him i mean it. and when i say 'i wish we could be together again' i wish that that were true also. That is why i so admire those who can make a decision and stick to it. And it seems the times when I make decisions like this I always seem to make the wrong decision leading to even more moments when i will waver in the face of decision making.
I've been wondering if i was still in my relationship with my ex, or any other relationship for that matter, whether I would care that he emailed me. To be honest, I would have preferred he never sent me that email. I think that despite my posturing I never wanted to hear from him again. in some ways he's given me an opportunity to reconsider and make sure I know what it is i really want.
I could spend the next six months wavering. I made a decision a few weeks ago that he wasn't worth my time. i want him to suffer, always. I want my revenge and I want him to never be able to face another relationship. I want him to regret this always. And the best way that I can do that, is to leave him alone. But at the same time, I want to be like a fly on the wall, watching his every move. I want to see the chaos and havoc. i want to see the results of my hard work.
But he's not good for me. I have to realise this. I want him to never get over me, but I want to move on. I liked that feeling of independence. I liked that feeling of being my own master. and i don't want to be tied down to anyone. I want my wall. And i want to sit comfortably in that wall keeping love out. I want to lie in wantoness indulging in luxury as I hear his miserable cries for forgiveness on the other side of the wall. I want to hear his pleas for mercy and I want him to beg to have me back. And i want a heart of black and coal. I want to be able to laugh in the face of his misery and throw another dagger in his heart.
Nothing is more terrifying than a woman scorned.
I'm going to think about all this a little more. But I don't think that us being friends will do me any favours. He's no good for me. But I don't want him to come to that decision on his own and try and impart it on me. I want the control this time around. I REFUSE to give him closure. I haven't decided how that will come about yet. Whether it means I constantly tell him how much he's hurt me, and let him revel in the guilt; or whether I should add him to my msn, ask him why the hell i should even be friends with him, and then tell him that i will never forgive him, and then just disconnect - without giving him a chance to say anything. let the words that he wants to say stew for the rest of his days. May he shrivel up like a dried prune, a discarded carcass of a man, and may he never find the absolution that he seeks.
Garbage seems to suit my current feelings most aptly:
"Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where waves of my love come tumbling out
You say that all the good is gone
That I have forgotten who I am
Free as a bird
Wild as the wind
But somehow I cannot let you in"
Garbage - Nobody Loves You
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:24 am
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