Sunday, November 14, 2004

Idiotic Butterfly

Update: 1am

I was supposed to be asleep 2 hours ago. I'm still here.
Stupidity. Idiotic. What the hell was i thinking?

I'm leaving it now. Can't change or undo what's already been done.

I feel cheap and shallow now. It's funny how cleansed you can feel when you deny yourself from the things you want the most. But in caving into this temptation of mine all i feel is dirty. Bad choice of words, but it's 1am. give me a break...

I wish he had decided on who he was and what he wanted before he made this move. I have a tendency to dislike change. Despite my impulsive nature i think i am a conservative with a rebellious streak. So when people offer to set changes in motion I tend to baulk. The state of my room and my lifetime membership to Hoarders Anonymous is testamony to my complex/complicated issues.

I think i'm going to have to stop berating myself and just go to sleep. I have to go into uni tomorrow and find out why the hell i got that 74 as well as apply to graduate in april.

here's to another day.....

*chokes self to death*

~*~*~*~


Update: 11PM

Oh crap, I can feel myself slipping. I hate my impulsive nature. I hate my convictionless constitution.

i couldn't even hold out for a measly week.

What happened to his punishment? To his lesson?

Let's hope he doesn't go on msn tonight. I'm going to shower and go to bed.

DAMMIT.

~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes I sicken myself with my thought processes. Don't ask me why, but i've decided to re-add and unblock. My heart's been pounding for the last ten minutes and I've started hyperventilating.

I'm telling myself that my reasons are because I need to know the answer to: "give me a reason why i should continue/start being friends with you again". Of course, I've also spent the day mucking around with my digital camera and made sure there's a pretty photo of me on msn. May as well go the full kahuna if I'm gonna do this. leave no stone unturned. blah blah blah.

should i be proud that I waited/held off for like 2 days?

mmMmmmMmm... I figure I can always delete and block again if i so decide/choose to. I think i'm just going to leave it for now and tempt fate a little. because it's fun and i'm bored.

here's to reopening a can of worms. what's the worse that could happen? I wake up in a terrified sweat tonight around 3am and hurriedly reblock and delete. he'll know that i added him anyway, hte next time he logs into msn. coz he'll get that msg that says 'she's added you back'. blah blah blah.

..what the hell am i thinking?

in some morbid way i'm probably hoping that he'll just hurt me again so that i can kick him out of my life again. and then i can do the whole thing over again come graduation.

you know, i've never voluntarily kicked a person out of my life like this before. i've only really done it a few times, but never with the amount of emotion attached to it like this time. least i don't think so, although i'm sure the minute i proof this i'll think of at least a dozen examples of where I have.

What the hell am i thinking, adding him back into my life?

Idiot, idiot, idiot....

2 Comments:

At Mon Nov 15, 12:29:00 am, Blogger Enigmatic Butterfly said...

*grin*

i'm just asking for trouble with this guy, aren't i?

 
At Mon Nov 15, 06:56:00 pm, Blogger Enigmatic Butterfly said...

LOL.

Considering I don't know what I want half the time if not more, there really is no answer to that.

Hopefully I'll come to my senses soon enough. That, I get swept off my feet by someone else, or someone kills me now...

 

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