At the Edge of the Abyss

Faltering Butterfly

I don't know what to do. I meant to blog last night before I made my phone call but blogger didn't seem very willing to let me into the 'create' tab. So i bit the bullet and rang him at 8. i came away from the call feeling a strange sense of 'blankness'. The one thing that I'm happy about is that the ball is in my court. I have the control, and the next step is up to me.

I don't know if i want him back. I've spent so long going on tirades. I've spent so long cultivating the bitterness. He broke my trust and I don't know if i could ever give him my heart again. He killed me in one of the cruellest ways possible. I've gotten over him to the point where I can be happy in my life, and the only marks of darkness are when I wish I knew that he was suffering, or if i wanted to know if he cared or even thought about me.

Well, he did think about me. But.... the way that he has been thinking about me brings me pause. i don't know if i can accept what he can give me. He admited that he didn't handle our situation well at all. He admits that he was wrong, and I did get the apology of sorts. I also know that he's fucked up. He's not only stuffed us up, he's also managed to ruin a completely great friendship. He managed to get rid me, me of the hard to shake off, obsessive compulsive, always out to make new friends and sentimental as hell, person. He managed to throw me out and make me bitter.

I can live without him. THere is a strong possibility that it will be for my own well-being that I never talk to him again. Yet my sentimentality lingers me. I don't like the idea of losing people. I think i'd prefer simply to let them be, and give out a little hope at the end of the day. But that isn't exactly fair on a person, is it? How long do i want to punish him for?

He's said that he wants us to be friends. He's said that he wants to salvage this friendship of ours. Yet i've been thinking throughout the night whether I should give him what he wants. Ideally I want him to give me a relationship. I left originally because I knew that I couldn't live with just being friends, that I would want more, and it would kill me to have him by my side and know that he refused to love me.

I know better this time around than to declare my love. Although I'll be the first to question that said love and wonder if it's just vanity. Do i really love him? Or i am just reacting to losing something that isn't necessarily mine to begin with?

He's given me a way out. I know that I can go either way. I just don't know if he deserves my friendship or not. And to be honest, I don't know how long I can prolong this waiting period. He will be busy soon and then ... gah. why am i trying to hope for something that's not there?

He said that he knew that he'd hurt me the first time around, and he wouldn't want to put me through it again a second time. What this means, is that yes he'd want me to be friends with him, but unless a miracle occured he wouldn't ever dare love me or tell me again because he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't stop loving me, or something. Which is fair in its own way.

BUT.

oh i don't know. I don't dare trust him. I sat there last night and talked to him for two hours and by the second hour I could feel myself slipping. and i came to the awful reality that i probably still love him or have feelings for him. Let's leave aside the debate of what love truly is, and let's just leave it at an agreed abstract form of 'love' 'want' and 'feeling.'

He suggested that I could block him on msn whenever I felt like it, and we could start off by chatting. LOL. i had to tell him that i'd already blocked and deleted him from msn, yahoo and my phone. nerrrr~~~

He admits that I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was by him. And i so agree with his observation that he didn't handle us well at all. I told him a lot of things that i've been harping on about in this blog.

He knows that 'sorry' doesn't mean anything and that he doesn't even know where to begin to make up for what he's done wrong.

So i sit here thinking, well then, do you really deserve my friendship? give me one reason why i should be friends with you. I didn't get around to asking him that question. I only ever asked him what he really wanted. I guess i could always go back on msn and ask him to his face. well figuratively anyway.

I know that should i decide that this friendship is worth salvaging I will be on my guard. no, i NEED to be on my guard. because if i let slip more than i should, he will be on the control end again. and i don't want that. right now it's up to me to decide if i want him in my life at all. i'm going to give myself a week to think about it.

i went to bed last night my mind totally blank. this morning i found myself hugging my pillow and wanting to talk to him. I know that I need to give myself some self-respect and make him see that i deserve respect. so i will not contact him for a week. and let him stew.

to be honest, i'm tempted to screw him around. pretend that i'm willing to be friends with him but never give myself completely. Be cold and indifferent, while still being friends. I am so tempted. i think sometimes that he doesn't deserve my real friendship.

my ex once said to me that if i was harbouring such anger and bitterness it was an indication of feeling. that i still had something for that person for the feeling alone. I wonder sometimes if my feelings towards this guy is what it really is. if he hadn't had that arrogant line at the bottom, 'you don't need to reply to this' i would've dismissed the email out of hand and moved on with my life. but me of the minutiae detail, me of the 'how dare you presume', me of the 'just because you think this, i will do the complete opposite out of spite' has gone ahead and spat in the face of common sense and gone ahead and walked on the stupid hot coals. I really need to curb this rebellious and spiteful streak of mine. All i seem to do is cause confusion and shades of grey. And as we know, shades of grey do nothing but give me that horrendous headache. in fact i felt twinges of it last night as i was attempting to sleep last night.

there is a strong possibility that we will no longer be friends. I honestly don't know if i can. if i add him back on to my msn, that says that i am willing to play. i don't know if i want to. i don't know if staying around will cause more trouble than its worth. i also don't need to know that he might be getting a job that will pay him $50k a year. that bugs me. A LOT.

why do i have this tendency in me to hate people who are better than me? it's very immature and i know it's wrong. i should be classy and open and forgiving. but it seems this bitter streak in me was either a part of my genetic makeup, or somehow i've managed to pick it up and integrate it into my personality. i don't like it, and it's such a strain to keep it under wrap. but when i find out that someone i know, who i don't necessarily like like is getting a better deal than me, it irks me.

what do i do with you? You've hurt me so badly. And my stupid heart wants me to stay around and try and patch things up with you. I don't want to give you what you want simply because it's what you want. If i do stay around I want to have my own reasons. I can't even tell if it's pride or vanity that wants to keep you close and ensure that no one else ever has you.

You broke my heart. Why am i putting myself through this again? Is this my ingrained mentality to screw myself around? Am i so bitter and twisted within myself that i have to play mind games and emotional games in order to put myself back into that martyrdom? Is my entire life going to revolve around ensuring that i constantly feel sorry for myself? I need professional help =S. that or a lobotomy.

Oh, btw, i should also note that i'm absolutely terrified, well, not terrified, but concerned should he ever come across this blog now. if we are to be friends, i don't know if i want him to know that i've been half defaming him online. then again, he deserves everything he gets. but should i honestly want us to be reconciled, there are things on this blog that so directly point to me. *gulp* even without names and places. and i know for a fact now that he's been constantly surfing the net. if he ever stumbles across the blog phenomenon, i'm potentially doomed.

i know that i've got him in the palm of my hand in some form. and i'm glad. at the same time, just because that is the case now, doesn't mean that it will stay that way forever.

I asked him last night in a bitter retort why should i give him closure? he didn't reply, i don't even know if he caught it. I see this cruel streak in me and i shudder. i also despair when i see how soft i can get. I don't like constantly being the 'nice' person. It is true that i've never yelled at him, i've never screamed or hit him over what he did. all i ever did was sit there on his bed in his room crying silent tears and practically begging him to reconsider. If i was dead, i'd be turning in my grave every time that thought passed my mind. how could i sink so low?

he once said that love changes everything. i am tempted to agree. if i just wanted friendship things would be easy. but i don't. i don't think i do. he's of the class of 'friendship is what links everything.' i know that he doesn't dare proposition anything else. because he knows how much he hurt me (or so he says - i wonder if he truly knows the true state of affairs), and he doesn't want to put me through it a second time. i know that i *would* die if it came again. I've spent so long building back up the walls, and throwing out an air of indifference. the feeling of singledom is so freeing. I can do whatever i want. i don't have to be tied down to one person and try and be everything they want. not so much in the fawning department, but more, there are responsibilities in being a girlfriend. and i'm not the type to shy away from them. when it comes to relationships i am serious. i hate the fact sometimes that this responsibility seems to have been ingrained in me from the moment i started to crawl. sometimes i want so badly just to be irresponsible. to not care when i break someone's heart and not care if i destroy them. because i know i can. but conscience keeps me back. i know i could so easily turn into an indifferent cold person. i wish i could sometimes. and i hate the fact that i've been caged into a corner where i am constantly so nice. i don't like seeing people hurt and down. I hate watching movies about parents in particular, mothers, sacrificing for their children. I have to turn away or switch the channel.

Let it never be said that this butterfly doesn't have emotional issues.

I think common sense tells me to stay away from him. Vanity, curiousity, and i don't know what says to wait a week and try and talk to him. It takes a lot to get rid of me. and i hate it sometimes that i can't just stop friendships. Maybe if i stay around, he might do some other stupid stuff to remind me why he's not good for me. the irony of course is that if i can see myself slipping in an hour of phone conversation, there is a strong possibility that soon i will slither and fall off the carefully constructed albeit fragile perch that i've managed to cobble together in the last 2/3 months.

You came back into my life to tell me that you want friendship. because i've been the best friendship you've ever had since uni. and i for one know how hard it is to make new close best friends. i told him upfront that i was still very bitter towards him. i'm tempted to test him and see how genuine he is. what if i blow up? will he still be tenacious and try to hang on? i didn't get around to telling him how much of a coward and how selfish he was. sometimes it was like he never took my love seriously. but then again, he states that all he ever wanted to do was keep me clear of the wreckage that was about to happen. i just wish that he'd handled it well.

he knows he screwed up. and he has no idea how to make up for it. to be honest, i don't know either. i think in some form, he really has lost my trust. i don't know if i could ever be good friends with him and open up. the bad thing is, it is so easy to like and open up to this guy. why did we have to be so good friends in the first place?

I need to have a device that prevents me from opening up too much. like an automatic emotional censure button or something.

I deserve to be treated better than this. So why am I hanging around? He's just a person. And not a very good one at that. He can't handle things and throws it at people. Whereas I managed to keep it under wraps. I deserve someone who will appreciate me, and who doesn't play such mind games with me. I don't need my heart wrung out on a constant basis. He's screwed up. WHy should i take it upon myself to 'save him' even if that's not possible. Why should I bother? Why can't i be as indifferent and cold as every other individual on this planet? Why do I have to take things so seriously? Just let it go.....

I just wish that I could let it go.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:08 am