Concealing Butterfly
I had a horrible day yesterday and was ready to rant myself silly. bits and pieces of it still float around me but to be honest, i think i'm too tired to really complain. suffice to say that things never work out the way that you planned them to. nothing is ever set in stone and sometimes no matter your intentions promises are often made to be unwittingly broken. sometimes circumstances are simply beyond your control.sometimes i wonder if i'm just as emotionally scarred or unfit as i tend to think i am. A lot of the time i refuse to face my own inner demons. i know i can be weak willed. i know there are things that i should deal with. but to be honest, i don't dare. it's too hard. and so i hide. i build up the walls that block people out and lock myself in. and sometimes i even manage to lock myself out. when things get really bad the walls crumble and i get to catch glimpses of the real me. and i shudder in terror. sometimes i may decide to sit for a while and promise myself that i will pick apart the wound and cauterize it for my own good. a lot of the time it's just a thought that flits through my mind as i watch the inner turmoil, and see me for what i really am. and of course most of the time, i high tail it out of there before i can really do some real 'damage', uh, i mean healing, for that matter.
it's just easier most of the time to block it all off. i know that i will have to deal with it all some day. but for now i choose to shove it into one of those closets, lock it up and throw away the key. the skeletons can come out to play some other time. for now, i'm happy to live in my little fantasy world and just move on. I will most likely regret my actions one day, but hopefully i will be stubborn enough to get over the gulit and regret when the time comes. i seem to be a pro at justifying my own actions, or making my own excuses for that matter.
maybe i'm just tired. i've been going to bed after midnight and waking up around 6am every morning for these trains. and when i come home i'm so exhausted that blogging isn't exactly on my list of priorities.
it's raining outside but hopefully it will stop by tomorrow. because i plan to go out and do my cd shopping (finally). I'm going to use all my money before i've even begun receiving. my paycheck won't be in my account until tuesday.
one of my good high school friends has come into town to visit. she has plans for us to go out on saturday. so looks like life's looking up.
here's to building back up that facade. Brick by brick by brick.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:23 am
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