Woeful Butterfly
i know what i want to say - but i can't write it. what's stopping me? Am i scared? As the days tick by, they bring me ever closer to the day when everything will be finalized. When the results will be in - and there will be nothing that i can do to change it. After 12 months of procrastination and heartache over stupid boys, in ten days time I will no longer have control over my academic career.Is that what scares me and stops me from writing? from getting the conclusions i need to make a clear and concise argument? I have mulled for two days, hid from the world, watched favourite movies on video and dvds, reruns of alias, devoured people's blogs, reading voraciously through their archives. all in the name of hiding from the truth. hiding from the fact that i don't want to face the truth, the reality that in many ways, i am screwed.
ten days to write a thesis - supposedly it can be done. but somehow, i can't seem to get over that wall. the draft is written. but now i need to be clear about what my argument is. and somehow i seem to be lost in a sea of uncertainty and melancholy (yikes, i'm waxing poetic).
there are so many expectations hanging over my head. Sometimes i can see the light at the end of the tunnel - now more so than ever, now that the 'countdown' has begun. and i run towards that day when this thesis no longer hangs over my head. at the same time, i run away from the light, not wanting the day to come. i know it's inevitable. but i can't help but hope. i hung all my dreams on this last piece of academic glory. and i'm watching forlornly as it slowly falls away. why? because i wasted all my time chasing after boys. why? because i procrastined to the point of practical extinction. that doesn't even make sense.
i just...
i can't seem to be able to write! believe it or not. here i am happily typing away at my blog, but i can't seem to write a thesis. i'm so overwhelmed by my topic. my confidence is gone. to make those 'profound' statements, and to be marked on them by academic scholars who have read a much larger breadth of reading than i ever could. to be criticised and told that i'm not writing anything new. that everyone has written what i've written before. see? this guy wrote a phd paper on it. and this guy did a speech on it. hell, even the prime minister talked about it at his last press conference!
*hangs head*
i just don't feel how i can contribute. this area is so grey and confusing. sometimes i just feel so young and naieve. and i can't help but feel out of my depth. why oh why, didn't i write my thesis on film analysis instead? what on earth posessed me to even *consider* politics? so what if it makes my thesis credible? it SUCKS, and it is SO GOD DAMN BLOODY HARD..
and... and... and...
and, i'm just procrastinating.
*sigh*
why can't i write?
no, more importantly,
why can't i find the answers? why can't i find the questions, the things i want to ask, the things that i want to discuss? this thesis may not be my first love, but surely i have something decent to contribute? i can't be regurgitating everything, right?
i have my own sense of writing style. i have my wit. i'm fairly capable and intelligent. hell, i got into honours right? so why can't i find what it is i'm looking for?
am i just so paranoid about the time constraints that i can't see the forest for the trees? or is it that i somehow flounder under pressure and rediscover the uncertainty that seems to lie at the core of my being? have i really put up that big a facade that even i manage to trick myself sometimes? when underneath it all, i'm just this scared little girl, looking for something to hold onto, something to believe in, and something to argue? where's the bandwagon so i can jump on and feel a faint sense of 'belonging'?
who would've thought that finding something 'interesting' to write about would be so hard???
what i need to keep in mind when writing:1. catch the reader's attention2. write something interesting (i.e. worth reading about)
honestly, the only arguments that i can come up with in the last 4 hours has been, 'get over it. this is the reality buddy...' and even that argument has already been argued to some extent by OTHER people. *sigh*
it's not necessarily a good thing when you pick a topic that everyone's already written about.
y'know, in many ways, the days scare me now. i just realised that i shouldn't have wasted those last three days. i could've done something productive like, fix up my reference list, or something. i really did waste two full days. honestly. well, one and 99/100. on friday i reread an article. but that was it! honest! i swear!
i always thought that procrastination had a true reason in life. i.e. that its role was to keep our brains relaxed, and let the inner consciousness prepare. and then, when the moment was ripe, it would burst and the person would go about doing what needed to be done. and that procrastination would only help the process along. right now, i'm not so sure. and perhaps i can understand or at least relate a little to those who argue that procrastination is a very destructive habit to get into.
*sigh*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:04 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home