Questioning Butterfly
It's been a month now. During this time, have you ever thought about me? Do you ever lie there in bed at night when you get sick of your thesis and harangue yourself over your idiotic behaviour? Do you ever wish that you could turn the clock around and say sorry and take me back in your arms?Do moments ever pass where you wish that I was there? Are there times when you will suddenly irrationally want to talk to me? Are there moments when you are just itching to ring me up just to hear my voice?
Or have you lived with your decision? Do you only berate yourself for hurting me, and not because you realise that you've lost something that was dear to you? Have you philosophised why we can't be? Do you remind yourself that our fundamental differences will keep us apart? Do you constantly wish that I was there and would smile at you, or at the very least give you the time of day?
Do you check your email every day hoping that I will reply to your last email? Do you check your phone and get wild hopes every time it rings or buzzes, hoping that it's me?
Or have you resolved within yourself the reasons why I have cut you out of my life? Do you even notice that I no longer come online? Or do you rationalise it out as my way of keeping focused and on track with my thesis? Have you even spared me a thought in the last month? Or have you simply gone about in 'working mode' and sat down and wrote your thesis?
You used to tell me how much of an impact i made on your life. How i was the person that you had given the most to. How you used to want to spend every waking minute with me, and tell me all your hopes and fears and everything that you ever thought of, or ever wanted to think of.
Why are you such a closed person? Why is it so hard to break down those walls? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that I will beat you down? Are you scared that I will declare all your vulnerabilities to the world? Or are you terrified that I will destroy you? Are you that fragile or do you think so little of yourself that you dare not open up? Am i really that scary to be around? Do i give off a sense of indifference?
You say that you love me. That you love me more than anyone you've ever loved before. You say that you've never loved anyone like you loved me. Now you only say that you still care about me. I don't want to think about all the implications. All it does is get me confused and bring on another headache.
..do you ever miss me? does your stomach ever twist into knots, is there ever an empty ache in your chest, do you ever curl up in a ball around your pillow at night and sob your eyes out when you think about me?
we are no more. nothing but empty husks of what we once were. I trusted you and gave you so much of myself, that sometimes in my moments of vulnerability when i let go of the strong facade that i keep against the emotional demons, i wish that i could take some of my love back. I do not believe that you are a crass individual, but i must admit my qualms about how much of my inner self you may declare to someone else one day.
You explained that you had to sort yourself out, and that it was a long and arduous process. You stated point blank that you could never go back to what we once were any time soon. Does love not mean anything to you? Are you such a rational individual that a girl's love for you will not sway you in any direction? I don't want to take second place to a piece of paper. I don't want to give you the easy way out come graduation, or even, on the offchance that you turn up to that dinner in two weeks, and you talk to me, and want me to be friends with you. i don't want to give you the satisfaction. I don't want things to work out to your little plans anymore. I'm tired of you having all the control. I want to recollect myself. I want to be able to have power over you, and i want you to grovel before me and admit that you were wrong - not just in hurting me, but in ever saying no to me - i want you to beg and plead for forgiveness and for my return.
But your pride will never do that. I never thought i could do that. but i did. i did it for you. I had my little heart set on you, and your reply was no. you couldn't do this. you treated our love, my kiss as 'complications'. You want your cake and you want to eat it too.
You are selfish.
At the same time, perhaps you were doing the best you can. I have no way of knowing all your inner demons. I have no way of knowing what it is you are hiding from me. I have no way of fighting against your inner logic. All i have is pain. All i have is hurt. All i feel is rejection. Why won't you have me? Why can't you sacrifice for me? Why won't you trust me?
You have betrayed my trust so much that i no longer feel like i can trust you. And in the big scheme of things maybe you won't even care. Maybe you'll take it down to the most common denominator, that we tried, we crashed, and we burned. and it becomes a lesson to you. it may close you off even more. You may well fall apart and go to your close friends for assistance. But you will never come to me. I will never get a phone call late one night with you sniffling asking for me back. I will never get a heartfelt email asking for your forgiveness, or asking why we have stopped talking. You will work off me, and decide that since i won't talk to you, that you better not talk to me. Because you will be terrified that I will give you death stares. what a coward you are to be cowed by two eyes. you are not brave. you are not strong. you are weak.
but sometimes when you are busy in the midst of your life, do you ever reminisce and think about me? Do i ever cross your mind? Do you ever wish that you could have me back? Not because i was everything you had ever wished or imagined. But because you just wanted to love me? Because you just wanted me?
Regret is such a tricky thing. People can have dozens of reasons to regret. But there are specific instances of regret that hold higher positions than others. I want you to regret saying no to me. Not because i was everything that you had ever wished for, but because you truly wanted me and wished that i was back in your life.
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep and wish that you hadn't broken my trust and lost my love?
Tell me, do you ever think about me?
..do you miss me?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:10 pm
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