Lost Butterfly
my head is in such a spin. i had a talk with one of my friends last night and i was updating her on what was going on. She told me that i was allowed to message him back. Hrmm...I went to bed at 5 this morning (writing diligently for 2 hours or so - i know, i know. shut up), and as i tried to reconcile with myself over my actions, all my anger started to melt away. I don't understand. I thought I had a right to be angry and that my course of action was correct. After all, i was the ever-cliched 'woman scorned' right??
Yet as my friend wisely pointed out - he isn't hurting over this. and it seems perhaps that he just wants to be friends. she said there were probably 2 reasons for his actions. either he misses me, or he was just checking up to see how i was.
i reckon he's just checking up on me. but my friend also pointed out that he's sending mixed signals and my confusion has it's place in the big scheme of things.
So what does this mean? As i drifted off to sleep last night, I wondered if i could be friends with him. because of the time of the morning i thought i'd hold back from writing my confused thoughts down, thinking that this morning I would feel refreshed and ok like last time and be ok. ...except that i ended up spending the entire night dreaming about him, meeting him in class, being in his presence. *sigh* i guess i should have written it up last night after all...
I am suddenly so lost. I can't explain it. Where did my anger and all my resolve go?? I ended up msging my best friend for advice and her conclusion is that -
i can message him if i still want to be friends with him, or i can ignore him, or even message him back telling him it's not my problem, if i don't.
...so what's my answer?
I DON'T KNOW!!!!
i'm so lost and confused...
hrmm - i just got a message back from my best friend.
Final verdict:
I can message him if I want to be friends with him. Basically as unfair as it may seem, that all he has to do to fix this is to message me and i come undone, I have to forgive him if i want to be friends with him. But if i can't, then i have to let go.
forgiveness.... can i do it? can i forgive him? is it all really just in my head??? have we been fine all along, but i just chose not to see it? Did i automatically go into overdrive and imagine things? What kind of decision did i make in my head that day anyway? At the time it was half vindictive, and half self-preserving. I chose to not listen to him, and told myself that there's no point thinking about how he still wanted me in his life and how much he still loved and cared for me. After all, we can't be together right? so what's the point of putting myself through all that misery? Imagining that he still loves me, but not being in the position where he's able to show it.
I don't think he'll ever realise the extents to which I loved and cared for him. And even though it was the 'sensible' thing to do, to let me go, I got so angry.
But when i get faced with messages like that one, where he msgs me like a crying for help, i can't help but feel bad. and then i can imagine all the arguments he has against me. and then i feel petty and stupid.
it's so weird how i keep on fluctuating. one minute, i write a paragraph and i tell myself - right. it's about time i stood up for my self-respect. and then others, i think, but i should out of courtesy msg him back just to check up on him. if he says he's fine now, then i can leave it.
my best friend reminds me how much of an idiot he is. she has her point.
but the idea of checking up on him is so tantalising... it would be so nice... y'know? temptation, temptation, O sweet temptation.
*Sigh*
where do i stand?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:48 am
2 Comments:
considering the situation i'm in right now, i know what you mean.
my best advice is to just ignore him. don't message him back, don't call him. even if he wants to be friends right now, it doesn't seem like you're able to do it.
if this guy is really so special, then he'll come back in time. until then, you need to finish healing and move on. i know it's tough, but it's what i'm doing right now.
anyway--that's just the thoughts of a stranger. good luck, though.
Hi Kendall,
thanks for the advice. yeh, i'm leaning towards ignoring him too. unfortunately once the wind starts blowing the *other* way, i may well change my mind. lol. i mean, he sounds so upset - after all his uni situation isn't exactly the best, and i know he doesn't have so many close friends that he can turn to for sympathy and advice. As a nice person, it's hard for me to turn my back on him.
But at the same time, considering everything, and how much pain i've been going through (even if it is self-inflicted) it doesn't seem fair or right for me to acknowledge his existence =S
Love sucks....
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