Flailing Butterfly
I remember when i went for my first and only piano exam. during the practice lessons my instrutor would shake his head, and when asked about the last attempt, he would ruefully say that if i was being tested at that moment, i would fail. despite this, he was a very encouraging teacher, gentle guidance, tried his best to motivate me, give me constructive criticism, etc etc.It seems i was the problem. I was nervous when i went to the piano exam, and i had practiced - but i also knew i hadn't practiced enough. in some ways i was probably being a bit lazy and expected to cruise by with a pass.
i didn't pass. i failed. but... because piano lessons were never really that important to me, i got over it pretty quickly. my ego took a little shock, but it wasn't anything that i wasn't expecting. after all, i knew myself how much i had *really* practiced.
i got an email back from my supervisor today giving me notes on the latest version of the full thesis. and suddenly that memory of the piano lesson pops into my head. the tone of the email reminds me of my piano teacher, and in some ways, i'm scared that my thesis results will reflect those of that piano exam all those years ago.
in some ways i feel like i've cruised a little through the writing process. i'm not proud of what i've done, but ... i think there's some inner part of me that seems to rebel against pressure or expectations. it's very frustrating, considering how much honours is supposed to mean to me, that i can just give away two and a half days like i did this past weekend doing nothing but watch television and surf the net.
it's so stupid. i'm so scared, and i'm so complacent at the same time. does that even make sense?
i don't want to let my supervisor down. i don't want to let anyone down. and i do want to walk across that stage in a few months and pick myself up a 2aa honours degree. yet i can't seem to want to work - and work hard at what i've got.
it's so depressing. what on earth made me want to aim high anyway? i stuffed up in high school and cruised. i sort've stuffed up in undergraduate studies and cruised to some degree. and now... with less than 10 days left, i've got a bad feeling that i've left everything too late.
and i'm so scared, and petrified, depressed and...
*sigh*
nothing's ever easy...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:26 pm
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