Exhausted II Butterfly
It is funny. This evening had a very surreal tone to it for me. I can't explain it. Driving home late at night, my head pounding its usual tired tune and my eyes gritty but wide awake from lack of sleep and uni work adrenalin.I originally thought i would have my work cut out for me tonight. I did a 'track changes' thing in word during my meeting, and i thought i also stuffed up the footnoting. only to do a test tonight when i got home, and copied and pasted it into a new document. lo and behold, all the changes have been made. and i could've gone to sleep!
I've been stir crazy all day. i think perhaps that's one of the reasons why i feel so surreal tonight. I had company today. I know that my supervisor isn't exactly someone i should be seeking specific company from. but i think it was nice to talk to someone who seemed to appear genuinely interested in talking to me, and stuff. Maybe i'm just lonely and going slowly crazy from the lack of human contact.
I miss Him you know? I was driving home tonight, and I was resolved to keep him out of my life. For the principle of the thing. At the end of the day we won't amount to much. He can't mean that much to me, right? Even if i continue talking about him all the time. Hell, I'd talk about my first boyfriend, if you could even technically classify that one as one, if I really wanted to. There are still elements of that relationship that i can recall with bitter clarity.
I think the thing that's haunting me most lately isn't so much him as a person, as i miss what he represents. I miss having the friend that he was, that whenever I was down, i had someone who seemed genuinely interested in hearing what i had to say. I miss having a practically 24/7 robot who devoted his attention to me. I know that he does that everyone. I know that he appears attentive and it's part of his nature. But i can't help but say that i like that side of him very much. He used to be able to make me forget about everyone. The world was just him. all that mattered was making him laugh. all that mattered was how we could sit back and laugh at the world.
But that's ok. I can live. I can move on. I don't see it as a waste anymore. I accept that we would never work even if he came back. I don't know how to make it work to be honest. If i want to be 100% honest, I wonder if i can in fact make any relationship work. I know how much trouble i can be. And after this one, I know what i want in a guy. I want a guy who genuinely wants to give me his attention. I want a guy who wants my attention. And although i am getting repetitive, I can't help but type it all up again. I think i feel like i have to reemphasize to myself what i want, and why i want it. It's strange....
Maybe i'm just really tired.
I feel so guilty just going to bed though.
Tomorrow's going to be a full day of rewriting chapter four (again). i know! didn't i just finish writing it? i did.. but he wants another version.
i guess i just miss the people contact. I spent the last 3 days holed up in my room. i've only really spent it watching tv and blogging. I know how little time there is now, and i can't even bring myself to read that many blogs or blog surf anymore. I read my staples and stop looking. I even stopped myself from playing spelldown, my favourite game... i went back on the servers tonight, just because i've gotten so stir crazy. i stayed for two hours or so. but to be honest, i felt guilty the whole time.
strange though, i don't feel guilty blogging here. i guess the process of writing means that i'm prepping myself up for work.
whoa... the head's starting to tilt. it's sloshing side to side inside the cranium.
Guess that's code word for Beddy Byes...
I'm getting scared again. What happens if this thesis doesn't come through? You people have no idea how much still needs to be done. 5 days.
i'll have to wake up early tomorrow morning too methinks. not 5.30 though. Maybe 9.
yeh... 9 sounds good. No more middays, yeh? =)
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:27 am
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