Dejected Butterfly
It's October 1st. Exactly a month from when all this started... well, exactly a month from when you first made your decision, and i had to live with it (the blog anniversary is tomorrow). after the first week and a half, the hurting lessened... and in some ways i am moving on. it's funny how fast the last two weeks have flown by. Suddenly there are 13 days left before my thesis is due, and i'm panicking. panicking so badly that i've spent the entire morning mucking around with digital photos (yes, again).You know, you only crossed my thoughts once yesterday, and that was when i was ringing friends for help with the car. i wondered if i would get so desperate for assistance that i would ring you to ask you how to fix the stupid thing. silly idea though - since you're too lazy to get a license. the other moment that i thought about you, was if you were with me, at the very least i would have had some company. it was probably a stupid idea to sit in front of the car on the kerb and wait for the engine to cool down around 7pm at night when it's pitch black already. i picked that up when this car parked beside mine, and two burly guys looked over at me, and asked if i was ok. i guess i had the depressed look on my face again. i reassured them that i was fine, and after they went into the petrol station i ended up hopping into the backseat of the car and tried to do some thesis readings.
Yesterday's thesis meeting with my supervisor was pretty grim. I didn't get around to elaborating last night, so i'll do it now, since this stupid 15,000 essay has been haunting me for the last 12 months, especially so in the last month.
So yesterday, I was basically told there were 3 things i needed to keep in mind when writing this thesis. 1. it has to be interesting. 2. i have to have something to say (that hasn't been said before) and 3. well, i forget what the third thing was. but i'm sure it was profound.
i went searching on google on tuesday night and ended up downloadeding a pdf article relating to my thesis, and i thought abt incorporating some of their arguments into my thesis. apparently my supervisor knows this guy (who am i kidding, everyone knows everyone). anyhow, i didn't do a thorough reading of this pdf. i started to last night and within the first two pages, i sort've just slumped into my chair. this guy is saying everything that my supervisor has been trying to tell me for the past few months. obviously my supervisor is working off things that people have already said and written about in an attempt to point me in the right direction. only problem is - i HAVE no direction.
i was told that my chapter 4 reads like an entirely different essay to my other three chapters, and that i've returned to the 'relying too heavily on quotes' bit again. *sigh* the one thing that i was sort've glad of though was that i didn't get as sensitive as i used to when i received constructive criticism from him. for a while there, i seriously believed that the only thing that this honours degree would teach me, would be how to deal with constructive criticism without feeling like i'd been victimised and purposely shot ten times in the head.
aside from that though, i slunk away from that meeting yesterday feeling a little overwhelmed by how much work i need to do between now and the 13th. He wants the rewrite by thursday. to be honest, i'm suprised he gave me that long. i kinda expected him to say tuesday or something. but what do i know, i mean, seriously. i just feel so defeated and unoriginal. *rueful smile*
i just wish i was motivated to do this thesis. i panicked this morning when i realised that after the next rewrite i only have 5 days to fix it up again. even my supervisor commented to me yesterday that it was a pity that i didn't have a month left to fix this thesis up. *Sigh*
i just feel so.... *shrug* don't really want to do much. can't bring myself to. i can't help it. i am scared and paranoid that whatever i write won't be original enough. i'm sure i can make the thesis interesting *crosses fingers*. what i can't be sure of, is to tell my readers why this thesis is so important. i.e. what can *i* bring to the debate? i honestly think that everything's been said before. and no matter what you may think about how confident i am at what i write... when it comes to this stuff, i really do suck. lol
and now that i'm online for the rest of the evening, what say you that i'll probably end up surfing the net instead of doing work? man, i'm getting to be so predictable. =S
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:15 pm
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