Cowardly Butterfly
I had an epiphany today. In the midst of my procrastination (i know, i know, don't i learn? am i stupid? am i crazy?? 8 days.. 8 DAYS!!!!), suddenly everything coagulated in my head, and i realised:I procrastinate, because i am scared.
This concept isn't really new, i mean, it's not like I haven't said anything like this before. I just don't think what i was saying earlier really sunk into my consciousness. previously the thoughts were more mindless rabbling and ranting. my thought processes hadn't really run on the little hamster mill that runs in the back recesses of my brain.
See, the reason why i am putting off working on this god damn thesis, is because i'm terrified of what will result. i'm scared that whatever conclusions i come up with, whatever it is that i finally write - it will be wrong. so if that's the case, somewhere in my mixed up brain, my logic says, simple. don't write, and then i won't have to deal with the what ifs. and when it comes down to it at the very end, whatever i write, i will have the sweet justification of, 'well i did well, considering the time restraints i had' ...except that the time restraints were still within working limits. but since i'm that terrified of everything.. i'm that scared that i'll stuff up, i'm that afraid of facing the future and its consequences - i'm hiding instead.
cowardly... so cowardly...
*sigh*
sometimes i wonder if this blog is really a good or bad thing for me. It's good in that it's kept me emotionally sane, but at the same time, it's actually really *really* bad for me, because I end up using this place as a means of escape from my thesis. =S
y'know, if anything, all the thesis has gone to show is that i crack under pressure - and i crack BAD.... so badly. i would honestly prefer to cruise (yes, i know, who wouldn't?) but personally, i think i get so bogged down by everything, that i just end up stuffing it all up. I don't even know where this mentality comes from. all i've realised in the last few days is that i'm basically on the road to self-destruction. and it's so stupid, because like my supervisor told me a month ago, that 2aa is still within my grasp.
not anymore buddy, i'm making sure of that!
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:08 am
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