Confused Butterfly
It seems SMS is the new rage. I got woken up this morning by my phone buzzing. you got it, He msged, telling me all about his thesis woes. I didn't reply, but it did make me feel a little more motivated to do work. ha! what kind of people are we, that we become motivated due to base and vindictive reasons. 'you're supervisor doesn't want to look over your draft!' ner ner ner...of course my motivation didn't last long. next thing you know i've decided that exfoliating, and photoshoping digital images(i finally figured out how to airbrush) are much more important in the big scheme of things.
however, his sms did prompt more of that side-stepping and indecisive fence-climbing/sitting that i've been prone to do in the last two weeks since i was told soundly off by friends to remove all contact with him. More importantly though, the fact that he msgs me to tell me about his thesis woes prompts me to ask the question - why??? is it:
1. He needs someone to talk to about his thesis, and i am the only logical reason? i.e. we used to be able to tell each other about our thesis woes, because we were that close in class. all of the other people are just acquaintences. you don't go to them for sympathy or solace.
2. He's 'touching base' with me, so that I remember he exists, and he'd still like for us to be friends.
3. He's missing me, and is trying to 'contact' me in any means/form possible.
I'd like to think that it was option 3. but most likely it's a mixture of 1 and 2. Which then makes me wonder if i'm being petty again. the fact that he wants us to be friends, and he sees no problems with messaging me to let me know how things are going says that maybe i've made too big a deal out of this quasi-relationship/friendship thing we've got going. Maybe i was always asking for too much? However, when you consider all the emotional trauma that i've been going through, and my last bout of tears before sleeping two nights ago, i wonder if i'm just being stupid again. and i should get angry.
I know that what he wants, in some sense I can't give him. because what he wants and what i want are two different things. He wants us to be friends, he wants me in his life, he wants whatever. I want a boyfriend. I want someone who loves me, who cares about me, and who genuinely wants to spend time with me. Who wants my attention, and who even more importantly, wants to give me *his* attention. So if the two can never meet, then it's up to either of us to bend. except that history has shown that he will not bend. The fact that i asked him to try anyway, and he told me that he'd be spending the entire time walking on eggshells says to me that he will stick to his principles regardless. it doesn't matter that he doesn't really know what he wants, other than knowing that he wants me in his life. sometimes i don't feel that that is a good enough offer for me to stay around. Logically then, if i don't have any control over his actions or the situation, the only way that things can change, is if I myself change. after all, i am the only actor in this situation that i have control over. Yet, i can't bring myself to just be friends with him. It somehow seems to fly in the face of everything that i've been arguing about on this blog for the last month.
So every time I get the empty feeling, or that sudden craving in the middle of my chest to impulsively ring him, sms him, unblock him from my msn and yahoo programs, or drive down to his house, I curb it, and end up blogging it out on here instead. If only i paid as much attention to my thesis as i did this blog. ha! unfortunately my thesis isn't as exciting as trying to figure out how to read html... (yes, what an exciting life i do lead).
so what does this all say then? It seems in some ways that he is totally oblivious to the pain that i am feeling, the anger that i harbour against him and the angst that i am suffering from. It's very depressing when i realise this, and it prompts me to think, perhaps i have been over-dramatic?
I really am hoping that he will pull me aside and ask me to my face what was going on. I really do. Because then i can tell him what i've been thinking and feeling. I know that i went about our relationship wrong. I know that i shouldn't have just thrown myself at him and made it easy. I know that i should have made him work a lot harder, and i should have compromised a lot more. But if you want to balance things out, regardless of the silly girly things i did, I still managed to hang my little heart out there for him. and you gotta admit - that's a hell of a lot harder to do than pretend to not care in the hopes that he'll come after me. especially so when you consider this is someone who used to think that Love was a four-letter word best said in the dark while wearing a paper bag with listerine close to hand.
There really is nothing left to salvage, is there? Or am i still in denial? Do I still care and want him in my life? Have I really made a mountain out of a molehill and tried to see things that aren't there? After all, if he can go on like nothing's changed, that means in his mind that we've already had closure, and that we somehow already know where we stand with each other, and that he's ok with it. If that's the case.... why am i still here???
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 6:17 pm
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