Angry Butterfly
You tell me that you love me. What if you do? Caring about me is irrelevant, because you can't really tell anything by a person caring about you. it can be friendship caring, it can be love caring, it can be genuine interest caring. but love, ah love, is a different kettle of fish altogether.
you once told me how much you loved me, and that you loved me more than any other girlfriend you ever had. Yet that afternoon in your room, when i asked you what was going on, you told me up front that you didn't know what you wanted anymore. So that means, you can't justify why you want to be with me right? you don't really know why you want so badly to be around me right? so that means, that you have no basis for wanting me as your girlfriend other than for the basis of lust. I mean, why else would you do things unless you had no control over them? my love for you was just a bonus.. maybe?
Whenever I cry over you, the feeling of loss and betrayal of trust is the strongest. the emptiness and the hurt, as well as the feeling of rejection. you told me once that you still loved me. that stopping this didn't mean that you didn't love me. but i can't accept that love. because if i accept that love, then i have to admit to myself that we can never be, while constantly having to face you day in and day out.
I have been trying to deal with the idea of us meeting in two weeks. there is a strong possibility that you will not turn up. after all, you have soccer training that day (supposedly). i have no idea when it finishes. but i'm wondering if after the thesis you might come up to me, and want to talk. and if we talk, what will happen. i know the possibility is slight, but i still feel like i have to prepare myself. last i need is to be caught unawares - especially by you. you could probably twist all my arguments around and make me even more confused, and because i still care about you like that, in some sense or form, regardless of how much i've gotten over you in the last month, i could very well give in and show my cards when i shouldn't be. hell, i could even take you back or at the very least make a complete fool out of myself.
you tell me that you still love me. but i don't feel it. all i feel is loss. you know as well as i do, that the minute you chose your thesis over me that this was going down. that the chances of us ever being together were going to be slim. you did it anyway - but for your thesis. to be honest, i don't think you handled it very well. you were just acting selfishly. and i finally broke under pressure.
sometimes i wonder if my cold demeanour means anything to you. and whether i have 'done the right thing' by doing that. i've been thinking a lot about the 'moral high road' and i wonder sometimes if i've taken it, by ignoring you.
i know that we most likely will never be, simply because you have it in your mind that you stuffed up, and you don't love me enough to change. you probably think that there is too fundamental a gap between us, that we are similar in so many ways, yet different at the junctures that matter the most. so you figure, i just want her in my life, i want her so that i have someone to talk to, someone to entertain me. after all, what's the harm in making new friends, right?
but.. i can't do it. it hurts me to see you. to see how quickly you can jump. how sickening to see you compartmentalize. box this, and put it in the attic. box that and put it in the back room - i don't want to deal with it now. except, that i'm a living, breathing human being, getting trapped in that box. Nothing says i have to stay in that box. why do i want to stay and wait for that moment one day, should you ever go, 'ok, i'm ready to deal with it now' and open it up? why waste my time??
silly, silly girl.
so i figured that afternoon that i would imagine that you no longer loved me. it was easier to deal with black and white than all the shades of gray. gray only serves to enhance my sense of confusion, and prolong my melancholy state. it hurts to be around you. it hurts more to know that you love me, but refuse to have me. Am i just being stubborn and stupid? Am i exagerrating something that could blossom into an easy friendship?
i've just been thinking for the last two days how much i let you in. how much i trusted you, and told you things that i normally wouldn't tell people. and i wish sometimes that i could take them all back. i wish that i had had the sense at the time never to open up to you. you know things about me now, that to some extent other people will never know about. you could break me down by simply talking about it offhand to someone. you'll probably look at me in shock and say 'but don't you know me? i would never do something like that.' you might not, but the knowledge that you have that information, the knowledge that you know about me, when i'd rather you didn't... that feeling of vulnerability that someone who no longer wants you knows so much about you.. it kills me inside. it frightens me.
there was a time when all we were, were friends. and although my vanity wanted to put me at the top of your list, i was ok with it. but now, after what we've gone through, after opening up to you the way i did... i don't think i can. i opened up to you more than you did to me. you may think/feel that you did more - simply because you are such a private person. but to be honest, i don't feel it. i always felt that i was the one giving more than you. it just always felt like that, and i used to get so frustrated, because it felt like i was doing all the work.
i wonder sometimes if we can even talk to each other anymore. i don't think we can. you burned me. you know that? you burned so badly that i don't know if i can ever trust you again. i placed so much faith in you. and although you pointed out that we weren't going to be anything more, you warned me ahead of time that you might still come out with the same conclusion, and i did prepare myself in some form, i still trusted you and hoped that you would love me enough.
i was reading some comments on another blog the other night, and some of the girls there made a comment which is so true. when it comes to relationships, women lie. it's a fact. we may tell you that we don't want more.. but we do. we so do. we want the fairytale. we want the magic. we want everything. even when we say we don't - we do. but admitting that to someone you love and care about? that's hard. so hard.
i've shown you so much of myself. i think one of the few sides you haven't seen is my ugly side. the one who loses her temper and goes crazy. the one who will throw anything at you just to wound and hurt you. i did it that afternoon - but in a subtle way. throwing a few daggers here and there vieled under bittersweet discussion. but that last thursday evening when i saw you and you sent that sms to tell me that you still cared? if you had pulled me aside, if you had done one more little thing to tell me how much you really cared, i would have lost it. i was that tired and defeated against the world that week that i would've just thrown it all to the wind and you would have seen the full fury.
i mean, how dare you string me along the way you did? how dare you tell me how much you love and care for me, and how special i am, and let me, LET me, open up to you? and then after everything say 'i can't do this.'i'm everything you ever wanted, but i'm not what you want? what kind've sick and twisted logic is thar??? so what if you're scared of loving someone? you think it's easy for me? you think that after one heartbreak opening up and putting my heart on my sleeve for another guy comes easy??? i loved and TRUSTED you. the word here is TRUSTED you. you gave out. you started this whole god damn thing. i don't care how much you warned me. you seduced me into thinking that you were everything. you created this illusion that you were perfect. hell, you promised TO MY FACE that you would treat me right. yet i feel discarded. i feel used. i feel played.
it doesn't matter where the hell your intentions are. it doesn't matter that you're just a fragile little boy underneath all that arrogance and humour. it doesn't even matter that you are scared of what we may be, or how much i may ask of you. yes i am demanding. yes i am high maintenance. but you already knew that! you told me every time i asked yoU! "but i'm still here aren't i?"
you can't even tell me when things changed. all you know now is that we won't work out. that showing me signs of affection above friendship level only makes things complicated. complicated.. like what? you love me as a friend, you trust me as a best/close friend, but you don't want me to get too close? you feel that the feelings you feel for me, the emotion you experience might just be lust? when i ask you what a making out session might be about, you come back with 'i guess i was just trying to show you how much i loved you'. that's a line that *i* used early on to explain something. except that i was genuine. girls don't give out for nothing. there is emotion involved. there is feeling, there is trust, there is LOVE.
i'm so happy that you can detach yourself from the experience and just enjoy it for what it is. but for me, it's totally different. i wish that i had more courage to stop it all earlier and ask, what the hell was going on. you screwed me around. you know that? you played me. i don't care if you tell me that you didn't. that you were just trying to fix things, and that you were too scared to face them.
i DON'T CARE. i don't want to hear about it.
just leave me alone. and i hope you suffer. i hope you curl up into one of those crisp autumn leaves and have someone stomp all over you so you break into a million dry little pieces.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:30 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home