Violent Butterfly
wow.. i had a dream... i dreamt that i stayed over at his house (i can't remember the reason why), and we'd have nothing to say etc. i couldn't stand the silences and the indifference anymore. And i confronted him about it. He told me that he didn't love me, that he'd never loved me, and that he didn't want me - EVER. I got so upset and hysterical that i kept on slapping him in the face. First he just laughed it off, but i kept on getting so upset... i was so hurt and angry that he'd never loved me, but that he'd done all that stuff.. i was so heartbroken and angry.... i couldn't stop hitting him.....what on earth made me dream of that?? i don't think i ever want him or anyone to ever say that to me.... if this is something that i have to deal with someday, if this is what happens every time you fal in love, i think i'd rather never get involved with anyone at all. i mean, honestly, what's the point?? Who would be stupid enough to get involved with someone when you knew that there was a chance that you could get your heartbroken....
they say that you should fall in love anyway. that that's how the cards are dealt. and that's the price you pay for falling in love. and most of the time, it's worth the risk. do you honestly think so though?? this relationship, if you can even call it a relationship only technically lasted about 3 weeks. i knew him before hand for about 6 months or so.. but still... i mean, we'd become good friends, so supposedly there was quite a bit invested in there.. and look at me today. a shrivelling, snivelling wreck of a person.
I'm just thinking about that dream though... i was so hysterical. i think in the dream i ended up leaving and going to the bathroom to cry. and all i felt like doing was dying... it was like i just wanted to curl into a ball and squeeze the existence out of myself...and you get so upset that your heart aches.... and all you can do is sob uncontrollably....
at least i finally get to hit him and hurt him - just like i say i want to ..except that it was in a dream... but i doubt i could've done what i did to him in person. i slapped him in the face so many times... and what was worse was when he laughed at me. you know how in dreams you run and every step you make is so hard to do? well that's what it was like when i was slapping him. it took so much effort to hit him. and the impact was never sastisifying. =(
...am i just being stupid and stubborn by kicking you out of my life? Am i really justified in what i'm doing? My girlfriends all say that i am. but i wonder sometimes.... maybe i've fallen for that HOllywood myth that love really does conquer all, and everything will work out as long as i go after you, and lay myself out there on the line...
It's just so hard to live without you.. who would've thought??? i'm tempted to ring u up and talk to you, just so i can have you back in my life... i don't want to deal with all the emotioinal trauma this is causing me. at the same time... i don't want to give in any more.. i think i've given in enough. i think i've given out enough. i don't want to be the one who constantly sacrifices. i think it's about time you did it instead. but.. you won't. and it just .. kills me...
I was talking to my friend yesterday and he pointed out that perhaps the problem was that i give too much in relationships. he commented that everyone has a threshold of how much they can give and take. and in my case it might be a little bigger. and in turn, i probably expected a little more in return. and when people can't meet those give and take exchanges, when for example, i give out so much, and expect something similar in return and your threshold is so much smaller to deal with (you can't give out that much, you can't receive that much), then that makes us incompatible. which in my mind is a new way of seeing things.. i'd never thought of it that way before. Incompatibility as how much you can give and receive. as opposed to true differences (i talk and you don't listen, or something like that.. although you have to admit that the threshold of giving and receiving *is* a 'true difference' when you really sit down and think about it..)
is it simply that i'm being stupid? THat i could probably get over him properly, and realise/hope that we can be friends, and let things go if i really wanted to?? that in fact there is logic and reasoning in his arguments, and i should just forget about it and be friends, and enjoy each other's company? or is getting angry and upset that i can't have what i want supposed to be ok? how mature is it really to throw such a big hissy fit over something that i can't change? i'm in this rut where i tell myself you were wrong, you were mean, you were selfish, you never really *truly* considered me. Maybe he's just trying to make things right for both of us. maybe he is taking me into consideration and in his mind he's doing all this so i won't die later. the short pain as opposed to the long pain, y'know? and i'm just being stupid and immature and doesn't want to grow up... all i'm doing right now is nursing my hurts... dealing with the fact that i'm not wanted.
when he told me that we couldn't be together, and he implied that he still loved me - never said it outright, but yeh... i remember thinking in my head, 'what can i do? what should i do? what is the right course of action?' and i mentally dismissed the idea that he still cared. what's the point of holding onto the hope that he does love me but can't do anything about it? all it will do is put me through more pain... i might be able to sleep better at nights knowing that he's out there and still thinking of me.. at the same time.. it doesn't really change things. we're not together, we won't be together, and that seems all there is to it. *sigh* so i decided it would be better for myself if i just believed that he didn't want me. is that in fact the right thing to do? can i do that? i mean yes i can.. there are no rules... but.. i guess i'm trying to find myself. i'm trying to justify things and figure out what my modus operandi is when it comes to matters of the heart. what is it that distinguishes me from every other person? i want to be the bigger person. i want to be the nice person. i want to be unique. i want to be special. at the same time i want my self-respect. and trying to walk that fine line, trying to figure out who i am... it's so hard sometimes. so many times i've wanted to let go of all these high morals and just throw myself at him and go, 'pick me!' The thing is, he's already chosen - and it's not me.... you'd think that i would actually *listeN* when people tell me things. i usually do... i take everything everyone says and i consider it. but... this one....
if i realy took a step back i could probably go, 'stuff you' and move on. and then later down the track i could probably be friends with him. i know that's what he wants. but.. i can't.... i don't know why.. i can't do it. it's not that i don't want to be friends wit him. it's not that i can't enjoy his company. but its just knowing that he got the better deal. i may be getting the better deal too - who knows. but he doesn't show it, and i can't see it. whereas i know what i feel for him. i know that if he ever was short of something, needed anything all he'd have to do is ask. but that's not the same for me. he can't even give me a fe wminutes of his time when i'm in need of a shoulder to cry on because he's got a headache. and this is before he came to his decision, when i sort've legitimately had a claim to his time. so i could go, 'you don't deserve my time.' 'you don't deserve my love' 'you don't deserve my tears' and 'you don't deserve my heartache' it doesn't help anything though. coz i still find myself at your door every night, praying, begging for you to let me in....
*sigh*
how did i get into this emotional mess? this is one of the worst times to get involved in all this crap - simply because i don't have time!!!
speaking of time.. it's midday. time to get out of bed and eat something. uni work awaits! ugh...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:58 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home