Tragic Butterfly
The worst thing it seems about a breakup is the knowledge that trust can be breached and broken. You trust a person with your inner most secrets and desires. You let them into your world. You trust that they will hold you in enough stead to value what you have done. That you can trust them. That they will never do anything to ever hurt you, because you opened up a part of yourself that no one else ever meeting you would ever guess existed. Sometimes they're things that you would never tell even to your best friend of ten years. And there you are, telling him all your secret fears, hopes and desires.And it seems so surreal that it can get to the point where you can sit side by side, sit within three meters of each other, stand within spitting distance, and not even acknowledge each other's existence. If you had known that they would hurt you so deeply, would you have ever dared open up? At the time you never cared for an insurance policy. That in you opening up, that they would open up to you also. At the end of the day this doesn't even hurt as much for him as it does for you. Why be so stupid and open up? Why risk the rejection? The hurt and the denial? Things will never be the same. Even if you keep him in your life, they will never be the same. You can never return. He will always hold those little keys. Those little firsts that you can't take back. Trust him and let him burn you. You can't take any of it back. How do they, be it instinctively or unwittingly start that process of opening up? How do they make you believe that they will never hurt you? That they love you far more than you could ever imagine? And its not even that you're scared or worried that he'll go around and tell everyone about you. Its just knowing that he walks away with something of you that you gave in good faith. And in return he hurt you more than you could ever imagine. Whatever happened to putting things on hold? Whatever happened to loving me enough to stay and work things out?
You make this dynamic so easy to change. Like there is no true difference between being good, close, best friends, and being in a relationship. But there is more.... there is so much more. But its like you never even saw the difference. And regardless of how you felt then, and how genuine you may have been then, right now, all i can see is how you've betrayed my trust. How i let you into my inner psyche, how i trusted you with secrets that no one else ever knew even existed, and there you go walking away...
It seems so sad that we can sit in a room together and know that there was something more between us once, and watch you being friendly to 'our' friends.. yet the way it seems sometimes, its like they're not so much 'our' friends, as 'your' friends. You've usurped my trust, now you take my friends. Its like i can't be around them. It hurts too much. To watch you act normally around them. To watch you pick up the pieces of your life and move on. While i'm still back here desperately trying to pull myself together. I invested so much into you. More than i ever have before. I truly loved you. You truly made me so happy. And there you up and go, and leave...
How can i even bear to ever open up to another person ever again? How can i bring myself to trust someone? The next someone, will never be you. I don't want to be the tragic. The sad tragedy that never got over a guy. That ended up comparing every other guy to the 'connection' that we had. I truly don't believe i'll ever find someone who i clicked with as much as i clicked with you. At the same time, the last few months, there hasn't been much of that left. I spend it constantly mulling over how much pain I'm going through, and wishing that you could be with me. There isn't a day that goes by when I haven't sat down and devoted hours to thinking about you. There isn't a day when I haven't cried over you in some sense or form. I know, how obsessive. How neurotic. How tragic.
You never show much. You always hide so much. You swear and claim that there are just some very fundamental differences between us. You say that..... You make that decision, and then don't even let me try to prove them wrong. How well did we know each other to begin with? I don't want you to look back and philosophise... 'it was meant to be that way' 'i did wrong, and that was that' 'we were incompatible from the start' 'what's done is done'. I'm suffering so much. This relationship meant so much to me. And watching you cast it aside like a wet coat on a rainy day... i sufficed to prove to yourself that you are loveable. I managed to stoke your ego and remind you that you can still feel desirable. Was that all i ever was to you?
The day i came over and broke down, telling you how unhappy i was.. yes i may have picked a bad time to come around. and yes, i may have been so immersed in my misery that i didn't notice how badly you were suffering from that fever.... yet the next week that i see you, you don't even bring up any of the issues that i had discussed. I walked away that day, feeling that pit of despair that knows that this will never work out.
How cowardly can you be, to put a girl through so much trauma, when she's declared to you how much she cares for you? You can't even bite the bullet and give me a straight answer. You lead me on, despite the fact that i loved you. You knew where you stood with me EVERY GOD DAMN WAKING MINUTE, and you couldn't do me the courtesy. So what if for a split second all the cards were in my favour? They're just passing whims of yours. Guaranteed within the next five minutes you will justify why we can't be together after all. And i hate you so much for betraying my trust like this. I never imagined a break up could be so painful and gut wrenching. I don't even care about anything anymore. I spend each and every day struggling to get through it so i can move on to the next. If i could just sleep..... and never wake up. I hit the pillows every night begging for unconcious oblivion. And every morning i get woken up by someone banging on my door wanting something. And on top of all that is the guilt and self-induced panic attacks that accompany a thesis deadline. one that's due in five weeks, with 15,000 words to write up, and every chapter a blank page. How can you do this to me? How can you cast a girl aside like this? More importantly, if you knew somewhere deep down that this would happen, why did you even put me through this? Why start in the first place? Are your desires to have a girl in your life that out of control? Were you that desperate to have someone, that you didn't care about the consequences? Did you ever, at any stage in our friendship/relationship ever TRULY respect me? If you did, you would never have done anything to progress where we were in the beginning. You would've just been friends with me, and held back everything else. Why did you have to tempt me so?
And when i come into your arms, why did you accept me? Why didn't you push me away and remind me that we would put everything on hold and just be friends? Why couldn't we just have been friends throughout? Why couldn't you have denied that you ever felt anything for me more than friendship? Why did you have to tell me that you cared? I believed you.... i trusted you... and here you go and burn me. We can never be as we once were. I don't think/I don't know that I could ever accept it. You burnt yourself out of my life. I don't care anymore that you tell me that you still love me. Quite frankly that's crap. You can't love someone and put them through so much. How can you even have the gall to ask to be in my life?
I deleted you off my phone today. unfortunately i can't delete your number out of my memory. and somewhere in my backup files if i really need to get ahold of you, I can. But that will *cross fingers* never happen. For the moment at least, you are not immediately accessible to me. I could still ring and sms you, if i really wanted to. This dratted memory of mine... But at the very least I've gotten one step closer to reaching the goal of ultimate automation. Remind myself what its like to not have to care about anyone else but me. Return to placing all guys at a distance, of at least a radius of five metres or more from any emotional depth and turmoil.
We talk and you put up arguments that undermine all my own. And i sit there and falter with my arguments. I lose all sense of self-preservation and dignity. I sit there and watch you and wish that we could be more. I hate watching myself degenerate into a blubbering mess. Its heart-wrenching to watch. It's shameful to ever believe that I could ever be reduced to such a pile of human rubble by a guy, that let's be honest and frank here, isn't exactly the best of the bunch. But i loved you dammit. You may not be the most good looking guy in the world, but like that's ever stopped me before. You may not be the tallest guy in the world. You may not even have the most atheltic build in the world. But do i really care? Every one always says that there will be tons of guys lining up for you. Really? I'm looking out at the landscape, and there's nary one to be seen. Maybe i've just been so desperate for someone to love me, that I took everyone up on the first offer. Maybe i've got as much to blame for this predicament as anyone else. I know there's nothing that can salvage this relationship of ours. Hell, there's enough trouble trying to hold a friendship with you, when i can't even talk to you properly or even look you in the eye. Right now, you won't even sit beside me. How alone do i feel? that your rejection is so real. So what if i walk past you? So what if i never hold a decent conversation with you anymore? You deserve it, and more. You're the one that decided to end this. Not me. I was willing to work at it. I thought that's what relationships were all about. And what's worse, its not even like you have another girl in the background. The only thing you have is your own emotional insecurities and your god damn thesis. But guess what? i have my own god damn thesis riding me all the way out till november. And you watch as here i stand, emotionally scarred but still willing to enter this relationship with you. And you throw me away. You discard me and tell me that if you stay you'll only kill me. I'm not asking for a dozen roses and a yacht. I'm only asking for validation that you love me and that you want me in your life as more than a friend. I'm sorry i'm not as rational as you. I'm sorry that i can't have logic backing up every one of my actions. I'm sorry that i want something with an intense feeling that I can't define or put into a sense of words. That lurch in my stomach, the butterflies and the tensing every time i think that i might see you. When i drive through your neighbourhood. When I go into places that I know that you grace every once in a while. I tense and hope and wonder what will happen should i ever get the chance of seeing you...
There are times when you seem so familar yet so alien to me. I know you so well, yet i don't know you at all. every day there are moments when i take a step back and refocus. Forget about you. write my thesis. Ignore that there ever was a place designated to you in my life. I wanted so much for us. I truly did. Maybe in the big scheme of things this was all for the best. They say that 'this too will pass.' But I can't see the forest for the trees right now. All i see is the endless days of hurt and misery. And I can't for the life of me, imagine how I will ever get over you. How i could ever let my heart open up again and let someone else in. Because the next person will never be you. They will never be you. They will never have your sense of humour. They will never have your personality. They will never have your smile. They will never hug me the same way that you do. They will never kiss me like you do, or bring that joy into my life that you did. Their arms will never wrap themselves around my waist automatically every time they help me into a jacket.
Around you, I could be anything and everything I ever wanted to be. I could be carefree and you could ground me whenever necessary. Around you, it was like the rest of the world didn't exist. That all that mattered was you. That the only opinion that i ever cared about was yours. That every little thing that ever happened in my life, I wanted to tell and share with you. Yet pity for me, it never seemed that way with you. You only ever said something akin to that to me once. But can i even believe it? How much can I believe? How much can i hold dear in my heart and say 'yes, that was mine' ? And how much was you just trying to fobb me off? I mean, if I'm not even important enough for you to attempt to show concern for my well-being, can i truly believe that you love me? Have you ever REALLY loved me? Or was it truly the thrill of the chase? The desire to have someone who has basically thrown herself at you?
I think I need some icecream....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:14 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home