Spring Butterfly
I woke up this morning, and the smell of pollen is in the air. I'm grateful that i have to deal with all this stuff at the end of winter. Sunny days always make me feel happier. Waking up warm, as opposed to freezing cold is also an indication of a good day to come... I'm glad in a way that I have to deal with all this crap right now. Because at least the weather keeps me up.... if nothing else. Such a beautiful day.Problem. I got dragged out of bed this morning early. When i say early, i mean, 8 (lately i've been up around 11, sometimes, if i'm lucky, closer to midday). I had to drive mum into town to do some errands, and I wasn't required to go back until midday. The crazy thought of, if things weren't so bad between Him and i, most likely i would've used the opportunity to go over to his house for a few hours this morning. *sigh* and for a moment or two, it seemed so tempting. It's like, you know that you're busy, and you know that he's busy. But you still try and make as much time for them as possible. It's like that third eye blind song, where one of the lines, "my plans still have you in them." I never understood that line before. In my mind, i figured, if you've broken up, why would you make plans with them? i mean, it's over... that's stupid.... But i understand now. You automatically include them, or think about them, and what you *would* be doing, if they were still around.. *sigh*
But of course, can't do that. And knowing that.. it just... gets me.. y'know? Throughout it all, I always tried to make time for you. You on the other hand, you were always putting creature comforts ahead of me. "i have a headache, i'm going to bed early" "i'm going to watch tv" "i'm going to watch a dvd" "i'm going to have a nice soak in the tub" .... always needing so much personal time to wind down. Can't i be considered personal down time? Why do you constantly have to be alone? Isn't part of having someone in your life that you can share private moments with them that no one else is allowed to have? don't i get like, extra special privileges? And isn't it not even so much whether I want them or not, but more that *you* want to share them with me, and that you're so comfortable to do so? *sigh*
I'd spend the day waiting desperately to be able to talk to you, and you'd come online for half an hour max, and then tell me, 'i got to go.' Your responses were always so predictable. I knew you'd say something, and for the majority of the time, i was right. And it was always so depressing seeing what i figured you would say actually come up....
guess i should get the hint huh? I was telling one of my friends online last night about all this stuff, and we were talking about my previous idea about writing him an email telling him where i stood etc, and why i haven't been around for the past week, and how i'm still there if he needs anything. that i'm still supportive, but to just give me a bit of time to 'get over him' etc. and while she was originally supportive of the idea, after i got on my little bandwagon and explained why i hadn't done it (as yet), her response was yeh, you should teach him a lesson. and that he was just a selfish prick. it's interesting because she's basing her opinions and thoughts on what i'm telling her. She's met him, but she doesn't know him well enough to be able to give me any insights. But still, that she can come to that conclusion (that he's a selfish prick), when all I seem to be able to do is wallow and wish him back in my life, kinda says something, yeh?
is it just that i'm involved, and therefore can't see the forest for the trees? Is it just that I love him, and therefore can't see all his faults? Or is it that as long as i continue to think well of him, I don't have to face the facts that perhaps I fell for someone who isn't good for me? i.e. I don't want to admit to myself that i picked the wrong guy? Because like, supposedly whoever you choose is supposed to be in some ways reflective of you. So, if i chose someone who treated me badly, then that means that I don't deserve to be treated any better than i am being treated. and the only way to not have to deal with that thought and all its implications is to think the best of him. self preservation and all that. as long as i continue to believe that he is a good person, I don't have to admit that i chose wrong, or that i am the reason why i am in this situation. i.e. i never gave him any indications that i should be treated any better.
Regardless of the fact that when we first started i had only one request; that he "treat me right." and he had looked at me like i was crazy, and said 'of course.' *sigh* and when i kept on questioning him, and telling him that if hadn't been there for me, I would've just fallen apart. and his automatic response, without hesitation, was "but i am here. i am here..." hearing him say that... i just... the sincerity... I knew through and through that he cared. But... lately, that same sentence has been resounding through my head. And i wonder if i can even believe that. I know that putting things out of context is never good.. but looking back on everything... i can't help but feel like i've been played. I mean, how much of what he said was actually true?? and how much was it an act because he knew that that was the only thing he *could* say. anything else, and he would've gotten shot. I have sms's that tell me that he loves me. I used to get so emotional over those. one of the reasons why i left my ex was because he could never show me how much he cared for me. and here i had this guy who would tell me how much he cared... and.... it just... made me feel so special and cared for, and loved.
but now.... looking back... i know things have changed.. it's just .. i can't seem to let go. I just feel so betrayed. You tell me that you'll be there for me. That you'll treat me right. Well how come i don't feel good about this then? How come you dumped me for a thesis? How could you be so cocky and so sure that you could take care of me, and you went out with me, you chose me, and then the minute things didn't work out exactly as planned, the minute even a slight bump hit your plans, you freak out and tell me that you don't want me??? How can you *do* that?? Do you have *any* idea how much that can hurt a person? *any* idea at all, whatsoever??? I want to ring you up and tell you what you've put me through. What you've done, and how selfish you've been. I've never told you how selfish you are. I told you off online once for bailing on me. But that's about it. I just wish i could get angry at you when you're standing in front of me. I can't though. You always are so clever in defusing things. "you can yell at me now" .. what, like i'm really going to... all i seem to be able to do around you lately is cry. Or put on that face that says 'i hate you, and you don't exist' even though what i'm actually feeling is, 'i love you, why can't you see that? why can't you love me too?' and i don't even know half the time what kind've face i give. I think sometimes you're too sensitive. which is rich, considering how sensitive i am.. but still... i'm a girl! lol. it's my perogative. =P
*sigh*
i've already wasted a morning. a good morning that i could've spent at *his* house.. if i was allowed to. I just... i want to think the best of him. I want to be in that mindset that says 'we're friends.' and do things together, and talk and have fun. at the same time, considering all the things he's put me through.... i don't think he deserves it. unfortunately i have to suffer too. i so want to be the bigger person. I don't want to regret any of my actions. but if i forge ahead and contact him and be friends with him... i really am terrified that i won't respect myself. in handing yourself to someone on a platter... you drop the bar. it's like, you give him all the power. and regardless of whether or not he acknowledges it, power play shows that he knows and he accepts, and will treat you accordingly. i think that the type of person you portray out there will deem what level of respect you will gain. If you can't respect yourself, how on earth can you expect others to respect you?
so, basically i stopped respecting myself in my throwing myself at him. my thought process was though, if i do that, it only shows you how much i love you. that i'm willing to do this to have you in my life. and in some naieve fashion, i expected the same from you. silly me..... instead, you took it as, 'this is how she is usually. so i can just treat her with indifference and focus on my problems, because she's so willing to deal with mine.' when in actual fact, that's not the case at all. i guess i set it up to show you from the outset how i was willing to sacrifice my time for you. how i was willing to be there for you, and you took it for granted that that was the real me. it is part of the real me. but i want the respect that goes with it. when you give such a personal part of yourself to a person, you want them to truly appreciate what they have. I don't think that he did... *sigh*
and me being me, the minute i hit the wall, and got met with that cold indifference. that logic and the frustration when you tell me that you've got problems and issues... i find myself caving in, and wanting to comfort you. and suddenly my respect meter drops again.
*sigh*
what the hell is wrong with me??!?! maybe i can go and get myself a labotomy.
valium anyone?
It's just that when you consider moments like this morning, when if things were fine, i'd be there... I'm just not the type to waste opportunites when they're staring at me in the face.. and I am so tempted. The only thing holding me back right now, is knowing that he doesn't want me. not that way. and if i fold.... all this hard work for the last six days, will be for nothing. It's practically a week! Every day is so hard... I was thinking last night about a conversation I'd had a while ago about all this, and then, suddenly thinking about it, realised that it was only the night before! Every hour feels like a day. and every day feels like a year.
They say that it takes about half the time that you spent going out with a person to get over them. If that was the case, I should be over it by now. We only sorta 'went out' for approximately 3 weeks. and that was never 'officially' going out or dating. It was more of a sort've mutual understanding that we were together. Maybe that in itself should've rung alarm bells for me. But at the time, we had rationalised it out.... we were 'going slow' in some effect until the thesis was over (which it will soon be). GAH... this situation just sucks.. LOL
I'm sick of wallowing, yet it seems just as addictive *to* wallow...
I have to reedit and write a decent redrafting of my Chapter One today. I need to send it in tonight. Because tomorrow i write up a draft of my Chapter Three. *talks to self* Please, keep me motivated and make me do my work. I *need* to keep this deadline. The writing won't get finished, and all this year will be for nil if i don't. And since 'He's' not coming back, I'll have nothing to show for the year if i screw this up. An entire year of work, when I could've been working and earning decent money, and get my new dream car..... *looks out the window* such a perfect day... what a waste.... *sigh*
I just miss him...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:15 pm
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