Resigned Butterfly
"This is where I say I've had enough
And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now
A walking open wound,
A trophy display of bruises
And I don't believe that I'm getting any better
Any better.
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
...
Wandering this house
Like I've never wanted out
And this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing to you
Cause they would never do,
I would never do.
Never."
Dashboard Confessional - Saints and Sailors
Every day I delude myself into thinking that i've gotten over you. I switched off my mobile this morning. Every night I look at that thing and hope that you might have caught onto the fact that I was ignoring you, and you might ring or message me to ask me what's going on. And every night I'm disappointed. The last time i did it you messaged, and for once I was able to throw it back in your face and say 'i didn't have my phone on'. ha! such petty rebuttals. You couldn't care less.
I don't know why i get in such ruts, when all i think and obssess about is you. I really should consider to get that part of my brain removed. It would do me and all my friends a lot of good. Then they'd only ever have to deal with happy crazy me. And none of this obsessive, neurotic, compulsively stupid person who keeps on running back to hit her head against a brick wall.... grrrr...
But yeh, like you'd really ring me. ha! delusional wishful thinking. All romance stories and romantic comedies should be banned. The "four letter word" should be Love. if we can rub that out of our psyches, then everything would be just dandy. There's more to life than this. Unfortunatley for me, I can't seem to be able to get out of the rut in order to see and try everything else. pity the lovesick fool.
Sometimes i just think that I don't have any willpower. I watch other people hold back from showing their affection for someone they care about because of circumstances. I watch others not ringing their loved ones up, as much as they would love to do so, and share a joyous moment. And then I watch myself cave in, just about every time I want to talk to you. *sigh* it really is sad...
~ * ~ * ~
Well I just got an email from my supervisor. At least something is going well... or at the very least looking up. I really hope this all works out. Even if "He" doesn't... last thing is for me to get my heart broken and watch my uni work go down the drain... waste 12 months - For a Guy no less.... I wouldn't be that stupid, would i? ...nahh......
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:33 pm
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