Preparing Butterfly
I should be in bed getting my beauty sleep and preparing for the day ahead....it's around 12.30am here... i went to bed early last night. found myself drifting off to sleep at 9.30 *gasp!*
but tv kept me awake tonight. on top of that.... thinking has sort've taken over...
I'm trying to sort out my confused feelings. I got an email from my lecturer today demanding that all students turn up to attend the last class. i don't know.... apparently we're sposed to turn up unless we're at death's door. i've never been one to jump school or anything, but i'm honestly tempted not to turn up anyway... because i don't really know what to do...
i mean, other than turn up to class... the class is a long one. 10 - 5. *sigh* and there'll be a lunch break in between. do i really want to deal with him for the *entire* day?! and then there was a dinner planned afterwards. he probably won't show up for that. but knowing that i could go and that he won't be there - yeh.. not gonna happen.
i just.. i don't know what to say to him. i don't know how to act. I can't be myself around him.
it was a good decision to stay away from him. because to be honest.. i don't know what to be around him anymore. there's nothing more to say.
sad, but true.
the ball i guess is in his court, should he ever want more from us. but i don't think that he realises. or he probably just thinks that there's nothing else to salvage. i doubt very much that he'll come knocking on my door one day, or ring me up and ask for us to be friends again.
to be honest, i don't really know what to say to him. and i think i need the space to get over him. at the same time, i don't want to know that we'll 'be alright in the end'. because that means that he wins. and i'm not ready for him to win yet. i'm still bitter.... i know, suprise, surprise... when am i ever *not* bitter??
there just doesn't seem to be any point me turning up anymore, y'know? i'm not completely over him to be able to hold a conversation with him. i'm not completely over him to be able to look him in the eye. and i'm not completely over him, to be able to be friends with him. like a certain set of song lyrics says.... 'we can't be friends/not while i'm still this obsessed'...
so yeh..
and i guess as much as i miss him, and as much as i want to be friends with him and be friendly... i don't think we can. i probably did the right thing. i probably knew very much what i was doing when i deleted him off my msn and my yahoo. because there was really nothing to say to him. that night on msn, the last time i spoke to him... the conversation lasted less than fifteen minutes. and it was all him. telling me what he was going to do etc. and i guess i was stand-offish. but what else did you expect from me??? i'm tired of being the bad guy. i just.. i guess i just don't want to deal with you anymore... so somewhere in the back of my brain i know that i can brush myself off and stand on my own two feet. i'm getting there - eventually.
but yeh, i don't think i'll turn up. although it is very tempting. but when i start thinking about what will happen when i turn up.. i just think that all i'll feel is torture. what's the point of torturing yourself?? that's just silly. it won't help anything. i mean, seriously... we can't even be friends at this point - my pride won't allow it. my self-respect won't allow it. i can't do it...
i probably will visit all our old haunts tomorrow. but i don't really have a choice. and the debate probably won't be half as interesting because the other debater decided not to show up - ha! but still.. a night out, is a night out.
i guess we just weren't to be, huh? i can get over you. i know that you're selfish. i know that this is bad timing. if i knew for certain that i was what you wanted, then probably i would stay around and be friends with you. but every time you say no to me, all i feel is rejection. so maybe i'm probably not ready for this serious commitment either... who knows...
all i know is that i can't bear to see you anymore. if i see you, i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know whether to smile or to cry or to pretend that you don't exist. and the whole time i'll be having vicious commentary in my head. all the time all i want to hear is how much you missed me. and if i don't hear it.. if i watch you pretend that everything's ok, it will kill me. and on top of that... i know that i'll probably be gushing all over you. and if i hold myself back and physically drag myself away from you, then i will die. and if i don't... you will get the feeling that you have the upper hand again. and then i'll lose my self-respect. i'm like a jittery thing whenever you're around. i just hope i can do my work and have a productive day in the city tomorrow.
i probably won't see you. but knowing me, i might well tempt fate and see if i can find that journal article in your part of the state library. and even if i don't do that, what are the chances that i'll go and check out the cafeteria, eh?
*sigh*
now i remember why i always hated crushes. i used to give myself a mental block.... because i knew that i obsessed. i knew there were high chances that something like that would happen where i'd go all nutso the minute you walked into the room.
it's just such a pity sometimes, y'know? knowing what we could've been. knowing how sweet you were to me. hell, you made me so happy i could cry. but at the same time, you didn't exactly... well, you did care for me. but sometimes it was like interacting with a brick wall. i hated how you always said no to me. and that it was always me giving out. i think at the end of the day, all we needed was time to mellow us out, and we would've been ok. there were things about you that i didn't like. but i could learn to get over them. i think that given time we would've been ok.
but then you wanted out. and then i decided to be there anyway. and then i discovered that what i thought was ok, in fact wasn't. and now, i can no longer be myself around you. i've gotten so used to walking on egg shells. and what's so ironic is that you refuse to do the same. i personally don't think its fair that i couldn't exactly do it either, and i did it anyway.
at least this time around i know what's wrong with me. all i need from you is reassurance that you want and love me, and value my time. once you give me some freedom in that respect, then i will be ok, and i can blossom again. but i don't think you and i will ever get to that stage. you have so many issues. and like you said, you don't think you can go back there again. well if you can't go back there again... then what's the point of me staying? it seems sometimes that the only way that i can move on, is if i suck in my gut and decide that i can't see you - as much as i'd like to sometimes, and as much as i think of you.
because to be honest, until the day i know what you truly think and feel, and until the day that you can come up to me, and tell me how much you love and care for me, i don't think that i can be around. and i know that i'm not the one for you. because if i was, you wouldn't be umming and ahhing over me. knowing that you want me in your life, and knowing that you love me, like Love love, not that brotherly sisterly friendly love are two very different and distinctive things. whereas once i would've quite happily accepted the friendly love.... i don't know if i can accept that anymore.
you've broken my trust. it'll take a lot to get it back. and i don't know if you think i'm worth it. nine times out of ten, i don't think you will come back. and that hurts to know. but at the same time... *sigh* what's the point? you know, it feels like forever since we last spoke, when in reality it's only been a week and a half since you came to your verdict. i counted it up last night. but it feels like such an age. but today, when i realised that i might have to see you in class.... yeh.. it suddenly hit me how raw i still felt. the pain hasn't really gone away. i think i've just been trying to hide it or something.
i'm so scared around you. i used to be so scared. i remember the first time driving you home, i was stand-offish in class, but i kinda opened up afterwards, in the car. and i remember being so grateful for that steering wheel. because it made me feel like i was protected in a way from you. it made me feel like i had something to occupy myself, and i wasn't 100% open to you.
i will never regret anything that i ever did regarding you. but i hope that you regret the way that you've treated me. because to be honest, regardless of your reasoning and your justifying, i don't think you treated me well.
if we take it from the perspective that you loved me, and didn't want to hurt me etc, that's fine. if we take it from the perspective that you wanted us to be friends and remember what that was about, that's also fine. but what i can't take from you is how you handled it. i wish that you could've emphasised to me that you still love and adored me and wanted to spend time with me. and i wish that you could still have made me feel special. but to be honest, all i felt was the rejection. and maybe you have tried all those things, and i've been too stubborn to appreciate any of it. maybe i was in total denial that after i had placed all my trust in you, that i believed that i could find true love and happiness in you, that you wouldn't leave me out in the cold. so maybe you did everything in your ability to love me, and you felt that you fell short.
well, i've learnt the hard way that there's nothing else i can do. which basically means that i can't love you anymore than i have. and i can't force you to stay. i can't force you to love me the way i want to be loved, and the way that i want you in my life and around me. there are moments when i miss my friend so dearly. when i want you back in my life. but to be honest... i don't know if i can handle much more. in opening up to you, there is a high chance that you will reject me again. you have your friends. you have that 'woman' in your life, who's your best friend. and she's secure enough in herself to be able to have you and her boyfriend. i'm not that secure. i don't know if there will ever be a day when i will be. therefore, that makes me a bad person to be around, because i will always be jealous of all your friends - who by happenstance, are girls.
hence, i don't think that i can be around you. i get so emotionally volatile and vulnerable. if i hang around you... i will try and claim you and make you mine. and you refuse to be mine. i was thinking these days, whether i could just be your friend. and i don't think i can. what's the point of imagining or thinking about the supposed truth that you want me in your life? that you do love me more than life itself? it won't get me anywhere. because i don't understand. i really don't...
so i think it would be better for me to simply imagine that you don't care for me, and that you don't love me, and that you have rejected me from your life. because that will make it easier for me to bear. because at the end of the day, even if you do love me, the way that you treat me, is the same as if you didn't want and didn't love me. and if that's the case, then why harbour that hope that you love me? knowing that you love me doesn't comfort me in any way. i don't want to think about your hurt. because i'm hurt too. i'm hurt more than i've ever been, or ever dared admit to myself. and maybe you hurt more than i could ever know. well, so be it. unless you plan to tell me - i won't ever know now, will i? and if i don't know, then i can't sympathise. and if i can't sympathise, then you can't blame me for hating you, or going about my day.
stuff your pride. i hate martyrs. i put on that martyr act all the time. and i know that every time i put it on, i so want someone to cut through the crap and call it as it is. and tell me that they love me, and care for me, and just break my facade. but you don't know me well enough to break it, and you don't have the time or inclination to find out. sometimes i think that i sold you the wrong me. i gave off such an impression of being independent. of being strong. you commented once that i was a strong person and that i would get over things. to be honest, it's all just a facade. it may be a good facade, but it's still a facade. underneath it all, all i want to find is someone who will love me and take care of me. someone who will love me as much as i love them. who will suffer through all my emotional insecurities. ...and i have so many...
but i sold you the wrong me. you thought u were going to go out with an independent, secure female who knew what she wanted all the time. sorry buddy...
so maybe its my fault too. but to be honest, i only put up that facade because if i don't, everyone will take advantage of me, even more than they do now. and... i can't handle that. this facade is the only protection i have. if it means that i appear cold and not wanting of any emotional attachments - then this is why. and for a while there, you gave off such an air that you could protect me. that you could love me. and that most importantly of all, that you wanted me.
but that no longer is the case now. no matter how much you may love me, fact of the matter is, i can't be there. because you don't want me. this is a break up. what else am i required to do, other than stay away? if you really wanted me, you could email me. you could try and talk to me. but i guess you're scared too. or occupied with things. *shrug*
if they take priority over me, what can i say?
but to be honest, i don't think i should be going after you any more...
i've laid my little heart on my sleeve too many times. and each time i give it to you, you effectively trample all over it. you may appreciate it all deep inside.. but other than that.. you're facade tells me that you couldn't care less. and if that's the case, then i should know better. i should take the hint and stay away. maybe you've taken the hint that i don't want to talk to you. and maybe i hate myself in some small recesses of myself, because i'm stopping myself from contacting you. i'm stopping myself from being able to touch you in some form. i'm stopping you from being a part of my life. but to be honest, .. i mean, most honestly and rationally.. if i let you back in, how would it be? nine times out of ten, it would be very awkward and very difficult. because no matter how you feel about me, you make it look so easy. and when you make it look easy, i get upset. because i know how hard it is, and no matter how much i try, i can't bear to see you make it look easy. because i die inside every time i see you. and if that's the case... then, i don't think i want to be around you. because all that happens is that you hurt me.
i have to accept the fact that you are now out of my life....
and i have to be strong enough to bear that truth.
i have to stop hoping that one day you will come back and tell me what a stupid fool you've been.
i have to stop hoping.
..and it kills me.
i know you asked me if we could be friends afterwards. maybe that's the most you will ever think of asking. maybe that is your effort to keep me in your life. but i think i am allowed to ask for more than that. i think i'm allowed to ask you to ignore my wishes and go after me anyway because you need me in your life. but like you would ever be that romantic. maybe i could come up to you or contact you one day and tell you that i still want you. but i think the question i need to ask myself, is, do i really want to sacrifice again? do i want to open up those wounds?
you will laugh ridiculously and tell me that i'm a fool. you will tell me that you did try. and that you did tell me what you wanted. but to be honest, i don't think you've made enough effort. i don't think that you've been fair to me. i don't think you can just expect to ask once and be told. i can't give you many more 'way outs'... no one's ever given them to me, i think that considering how many i've given you already...
sometimes i can't even tell if i'm just being too nice a person, if i really am being stubborn. *sigh*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:35 am
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