Nervous Butterfly
I'm going into the city tomorrow to do uni work and attend a political debate. there are chances that i might crash into him. either at the library, at the cd stores, or at the library cafeteria... my stomach gets tied up in knots even thinking about it.... that excited feeling that you get when you see someone you have a crush on...*sigh*
what would happen if i did see him? I would prefer that he saw me first and made a point of saying hello. If it's up to me, i know i'll stuff it up. i hate having to be the one instigating things. at the same time, i'll probbaly get upset if he chooses to ignore me. and i'll probably be just as angry if he pretends that nothing's happened. because that would mean that he doesn't care... grrr i hate making decisions though... *sigh*
i'm just wondering how much work i'll be doing tomorrow, and how much i'll just be walking around with that high and mighty look on my face, constantly scanning the crowds etc looking for him? i'm such a sad and desperate idiot....
you get upset and angry that he's dumped you. you know for a fact that he's not good for you and that the two of you would never work out. yet you still harbour hopes that you might see him. what kind've twisted logic is that??
you know, when you think about it, we're both two idiots. two sad cases. we like each other so much, yet we can't be together. if i was in a giving mood, and if he hadn't stuffed things up so majorly, i would offer to be friends with him and for us to laugh everything off..
but the thing is.. he's hurt me. he hasn't done anything right... y'know? and for that i can get upset and want him to pay. i just wish i could choose a side. see, if i take this personally we will never be friends. because he doesn't know what he wants, and all he does is hurt all the people that he does want. he hasn't been fair to me. he told me that he wanted me, he got me out into the open, and basically took advantage of me. and me being stupid issue-laden me can't take the fact that he's hurt me. i get so upset every time he does something because i automatically question everything. 'what does this mean' 'does this mean he loves me?' 'does this mean that i'm not important to him' ?
if i didn't take it personally, i wouldn't care less. and we could laugh it off and be friends.
i'm just worried that i'll get really upset tomorrow. if i don't see him, i'll get so disappointed. if i do see him, i'll get upset as well. i don't know how to act around him. i really don't. do i pretend that everything's ok? do i ignore him? do i be friendly? do i act cold?
*sigh* this was the reason why i chose to stay away. because i didn't know how to act anymore. i'm so emotionally volatile when i'm around him.
i guess the smart thing is not to turn up at all. but i don't have a choice. i have to go to this political debate because my supervisor suggested i should. and i'll finally get around to going 'out' for a day. i'll get to buy or at least look for the dashboard confessional cds that i've wanted for so long... and maybe do a couple round of the bookstores as well...
and then i can go and do uni work.
and because this is a political event, i'll have to dress nice...
....i wish i could see him... if only... but then again, i don't want to. because i don't know what that will mean...
i hate these butterflies in my stomach that tell me that i'm excited just at the thought of seeing him. and then the heavy heart telling me that things aren't necessarily good.. and that i have to remember how much i've been hurting lately.. *sigh*
sometimes i wish that we'll never cross paths again. and at other times i wish that we could - if only so he could see what he was missing out on.
Vascillation, thy name is woman. *self-derogatory laugh*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:11 pm
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