Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Mulling Butterfly

I was talking to a friend online last night. I think I've decided to go to class on Thursday after all. As much as i want to rub it in to him that i can live without him.. i don't really need him hinging on my life right? It will be the last time i see him - ever. And maybe this will prove to me that i don't have to act like a love-sick puppy... and i can do my own thing. i figure i could probably stay for a little while, and then leave. i mean, yes, my lecturer said turn up blah blah blah.. so i will. i'll just leave early or something. i don't think i really want to stay for the dinner. so i might leave during lunch or something if i have the courage.... and see if i can bring myself to go the other campus and do some work. *Crosses fingers*

well i slept in late today. it's midday here. *gulp* considering i dragged myself up around 8 yesterday to spend the day in the city... i am very proud of myself though. although i kept my eye out for him for most of the day, i did manage to get some work done.

i went to my political meeting, and it was a buzz to see all these people with names that i've been studying stand up to ask questions. they even had a camera from the media (!!!) they did a couple of audience shots and my wandering mind thought, 'i wonder if this will make the news...' and if so, 'i wonder if he'll see me on tv..' LOL.... vanity vanity vanity.. *rueful smile*

well i went cd shopping yesterday. i didn't find my cd for the price i was willing to pay for. which was such a shame... i've discovered i *really* like dashboard confessional.. i only came across them about a month ago, and so far everything that i've heard is sooo pretty.. the guitar melodies.... the lyrics.... the voice... *everything* but i'm fairly cash-strapped at the moment, so there's no point me spending the big bucks on the cd. i'll wait. hopefully i won't get desperate enough to spend my last 30 on them. but in between if i can find it at a reasonable price, it's so mine.... lol

you know what though? why is it that it's always the guy that you don't want who try and give you everything you want? so hypocritical, i know. it's just.. i see my love life replayed over and over again by people... maybe it's just a universal thing that i have no control over. but... i met my ex at the train station last night. he'd smsed me like 8 times during the day (i'd had my phone switched off) and ended up meeting me after my meeting before i went home. he was like, please take me back.. i need you. i love you more than anything, and i want to be with you. i will treat you right.' and i stood there, my heart went out to him.. it really did. it's just that i watch him do all the things that i did to go after my guy.... and he's doing everything that i want my guy to do.. to come back and ask for me by name... the thing is, my heart isn't with my ex... it's with the guy who emotionally screwed me around.. *sigh* and i know i'm an idiot, because i don't think i'll ever find a guy who loves me as much as he does. but the fact that i stepped away from him means that i learnt something, that i in some ways outgrew him. and things haven't changed for him that much that i can bring myself to go back to him.

yes, in my emotionally vulnerable moments, i'll be the first to admit that i cave in at times. but i don't want to treat him the way that i've been treated. and i don't think that it's fair that i can't return his love properly. i know now what it feels like to deeply love someone and to have them love you back (no matter how short it was, and no matter how genuine or ingenuine it was, to me it felt real), and i want to be able to recreate that, not only for myself, but for the other person involved. and i don't think i can with him... my heart's so raw and tender right now... i probably could go back if i so chose to. but to be honest, things won't really change.. not that much...

and i'm getting on the independent bandwagon streak right now... i've realised over the last couple of days or so, that i need to find out who i am. i think i got so lost in the last two relationships that i've forgotten who i am. and i can't be involved or be of help to anyone if i don't even know or love myself...

well, it's time to get up and eat.... got things to write today. and half the day's gone already. *gulp*

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