Meltdown Butterfly
Ech, yesterday was bad. Blogger came down with technical difficulties right after i tried to publish the previous blog. I only managed to safely upload it this morning. I pretty much went into blogger withdrawl for the rest of yesterday. lol. I was ready to throttle the program. ended up spending the day out and did some uni work.... felt so proud of myself.... did around 2-3 hours of solid work. Yeh, like that's going to add a significant amount to my word count... *gulp*It's amazing to see what one day away from spilling your guts out for emotional sanity and therapy can do to a person. I smsed Him.. but didn't get so far as to send it. it was one of those 'touch base' ones...'how are you? don't know if you've noticed, but i haven't been around lately. hope you don't mind. am trying to deal with things. would still like to be friends. msg me sometime...' i typed it up and looked at it. i was so tempted to send it. Instead, i deleted it, and ended up ringing up my ex for company. lol
just to talk.. since i was the one that ended things in that relationship, i wanted to know if he felt any of the same feelings that i've been experiencing over my current situation this this guy.... amazingly, my ex doesn't really harbour anger towards me. he's basically hinting to me that he's interested in me coming back. The thing is though, in me choosing to leave him, I can't go back. I don't love him as i used to. He hurt me pretty bad. But as i was talking to him, i kind've took a step back and thought, god.... is this what *my* situation is like? I mean... here *i* am pining over someone, wishing that they would change their mind. And just like my ex, I'm not getting anywhere. It's strange trying to experience things from both sides of the fence. *really* strange. i think i ended up applying all the accusations i'd made of the guy i'm chasing after onto me. I mean, in me talking to my ex, is that really a good thing? Am i being selfish? Am i being cold? Does me being around and not wanting more hurt him?
The situation with my ex though, we had tried to sort things out. we were both in the wrong in some form. and i know that as much as i miss him sometimes, i do wonder whether it really is love if i do go back, or if it's the idea of being alone that scares me so much. And knowing that there is someone out there who loves me... is not only reassuring, but also provides some hope. at the same time, in being aware of that, i know that i can't go back to him, because it wouldn't be fair. after all, i left because i realised that i couldn't return the same amount of love that he was giving me. on top of that, there had been all these other issues, and... *yeh* complicated, complicated, complicated.
maybe the other thing abt my ex was that it was *my* decision. I knew why i was doing things, i had resolved all the emotional issues, and so its easier for me to move on in this sense. And i watch him struggle to get through all this, and i admire him so much. that through it all, we're still friends. In many ways its very ironic, because right now i can so relate. the difference between him and me, is that he'll hold back, whereas I'm seriously still considering throwing myself back at my guy.... which.. so isn't right.
I was talking to a close friend of mine the other day about it, and she's going through relationship problems (of a different calibre) but essentially, she's also getting rid of a guy. And because she's my friend, and i understand where she's coming from, i can sympathise with her. I don't know the guy that she was going out with, so at the very least, as much as i sympathise with him, because i'm going through the same things, i also know that he can't ask for more. not because my friend doesn't want to give more.. but because she's not in the position to. at the same time... it makes for a very confusing me! because i guess, if i took a step back and really *really* looked at the situation I'm in, then i'd probably understand. But i guess I'm not. I think half of it is knowing that I loved this guy, that he told me he loved me, that he *also* had his heart set on me, and that because of one silly thing he chooses to end things. the other thing of course, is probably vanity. "BUT THIS IS ME! YOU CAN'T DUMP ME!!" lol.
I don't know. sometimes, dealing with my current situation i feel like i'm throwing myself against an invisible wall. I see him over there, and I want to go over... but every time i walk there, i get hit by this invisible wall... that wall being the knowledge that he doesn't want me. and seeing him there and *knowing* that he is what i want.... makes it ten times worse.
is that what emotions and relationships are all about though? there's always going to be the one who ends it, and the one who has to deal with it. Would i be deluding myself, if i say that everything would've been ok, if he'd just done right by me? like, if he'd got around to properly explaining, and never ventured further than he could handle the entire time? And respected me, my feelings, my love, and my emotional state of mind? I guess it says a lot about his emotional maturity, if he could go into something, and then suddenly back out...
I mean.. if nothing else, talking to my ex last night it sort've put my own actions into perspective, because i suddenly saw myself turning into the guy that i'm chasing after.... and it scared me. Because i don't want to put my ex through what i've been going through. and i don't definately don't want to turn into the guy that i've been bagging out all this time. while the context of these two relationships are different, i think that underpinning it all is the same idea. that someone wants to leave, and the other can't bear that person to. The thing with my ex is that he had his own share of problems. he couldn't show me that he loved me either. figures... i seem to have a knack of finding people with emotional insecurities. ..says something abt me maybe? ha! although that also implies that i don't have my own fair share of problems regarding my current state of mind...
the other thing of course is that we know each other very well, my ex and i. whereas the guy i'm chasing after right now... even though we've been good friends, he doesn't open up properly. we get along like a house on fire... but... he won't ever tell you what he's really thinking, or what he really feels. so maybe it is true, that whole 'fundamental compatibility' thing that he talked abt. that despite all our similarities, there was something that stood in the way of maintaining a true relationship - a relationship that would work. i'm rationalising here, because i don't really know what else *to* do.... i can occupy myself with finishing my thesis, and in between the breaks, i'll just cry myself to sleep. but at least the days are sunny and warm now. so that should help a little.
but still.. you'd think that love would mean that you could overcome that fundamental problem of emotional communication. and it's not that i'm not willing to try. i think that's the other bit too, that he never thought to try it anyway, and see if it would work. he saw a potential stumbling block, and instead of going over it, or trying to circumnavigate it, instead he chose to simply walk away. and that hurts.... to know that i'm not even worth the trouble of trying. especially if i'm supposed to be the girl that he's set his heart on...
So what does it all boil down to? Emotional growth i guess... i think i've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he won't come back. And right now, i'm just dealing with the last hiccups that come after a long cry....
Y'know, it's amazing what a week of blogging can do though. Can you believe it? it's already been a week! .. i made it through the week! without contacting him, without seeing him.... without driving down to his house, as much as i wanted to yesterday morning.
he's got a tribunal to go tonight for his soccer club. if things were any different, i'd msg him and wish him luck. but that would just be silly. because i have just resolved this morning to not go back. it's hysterical to see how i move on step forward and two steps back. every day i tell myself 'right, we're getting over him.' and just when things are falling into place, an irrational thought comes up, 'i wonder what he's doing now...' 'I wish i could be there for him..'
I just want to get to that place.. the one where you can sit back and detach yourself, and go, "you were there to help me through something. you were there for a reason. thank you. time to move on" because once i get there, once i can accept that you're gone, and justify to myself why... then i know i've *really* moved on, and i can start getting my self-dignity back.
I think that as long as you continue to ignore me, i will soon be on that road to salvation. But to be honest, i don't know if it's good or bad whether or not I actually want to see you before i get to that stage where i don't care.
That phone call that i had with my best friend on monday night... she was telling me that he will feel the pain (he better..) but that by that time, and even if he did come back to talk to me about it (which he probably won't, but let's just say..) i will most likely not care, and be over it. which... if you take it in the big scheme of things... seems such a waste. relationship, both parties interested (again assuming that hypothesis of him coming back), but one unwilling to compromise in any terms. at the same time, Rational Me speaks up, and reminds me that i'm probably just in denial. There's no point speculating. Why? Why bother even harbouring hope? Use this opportunity to learn more about myself. Learn to *truly* accept who i am, and maybe that will get me by.
They say that relationships aren't the end of the world. Unfortunately, right now, i really can't see anything that would/could make me as happy as i once was... unless of course that really cute guy in the office dumps his gf and comes after me... lol. sick delusional me.... yeh......
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:30 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home