At the Edge of the Abyss

Melancholy Butterfly

To the Great Abyss...

Who would've thought that i would spend my time by blogging online? There are so many other things i could be doing with my time. Writing a Thesis. Getting some well deserved rest. Watching television. The options are neverendless.... Or is it? Maybe we're all limited in our own way over what we can and can't do.... Only so many choices that we can pick from.

What happens when you are struck by the cruel claws of love? When you love someone and they don't love you in return? Call this mindless blogging. Call this psychobabble. Call this personal emotional therapy. Call it angst, the most common, cliched and heart-wrenching kind. Call it a desperate attempt to share something when there's no one out there to share it with. Least none within calling distance willing to talk to you and genuinely caring enough to deal with all the emotional baggage...

How can someone be so cold? They spend three months telling you and showing you how much they care for you within their limited confines. And then when things start to go a little smoother... they suddenly backtrack on you, and decide that you're not worth their time.

You spend two months dealing with the emotional trauma. In between you do things that you promised yourself you'd never do. You figure its about time that you bit the bullet and actually became emotionally vulnerable. You hang your little heart out on your sleeve, and hope that maybe that, if nothing else will pull you through. Maybe they don't realise how much you care. Maybe they don't realise how much you love them. Maybe they don't realise what they are about to lose. Or maybe.. maybe you're just in denial.

It's been shocking to discover how emotionally invested you can become in a person. How much they can mean to you. And when they hurt you, sometimes.. how willing you are to be hurt. What happens then? All that seems left is to try and pick up the pieces. Except that sometimes you don't think that you want to. Sometimes all you want to do is wallow.

How can a person be so cold? how can they profess to care for you? When they can't even take the time out to ask you how you are, after you've spent a class nursing a migraine that hurts so much you struggle not to cry? When you go back to ask for panadol, and he won't even come up to you and ask, 'are you alright?'. Can a person be that cowardly that they won't even want to acknowledge your existence? I'm not a bad person.. I'm really not.

When they tell you that you're everything that they've ever wanted. When they tell you that you're all they ever wished or hoped for. And then they STILL say no to you. "It's not you, it's me". Such a cliche line... yet if i don't believe it, that means that there's something wrong with me. I was told once that i had a martyr complex. Where i felt obligated to take on some of the guilt. Attribute my own actions as part of the reason as to why bad things happened in my life. Maybe. Maybe i just want to feel sorry for myself. I don't know. All i know is that i hurt. I've spent two months walking on eggshells around him. Yet when i ask for him to come back, he tells me that he can't, because he couldn't walk on eggshells around me. What the hell is that?! So its ok for me to do it, but its not ok for you?! Why is love never fair? Or is it actually fair, but it just never seems that way to the injured party?

They always say that you should always fear the scorned females... they always end up being the most vicious and the most rabid ones of all... true? not true? I never yelled at him. I never explicitly got angry and told him off for playing with my emotions. For telling me one minute that he loved me and that I was the one that he invested the most in emotionally. the one who's 'had him' the most.... yet, the next minute, i'm told that we can't be together, because it would hurt me too much. that it would in the end kill me. Do you really think so? i mean, REALLY? I have my own things to do. Do you.. have you really loved me? Or was it just the thrill of the chase? Was that all it was? Ever notice that every time something big happens with the 'ex' he comes flocking back all concern and sincerity??

Why is it that sometimes we go for something even though we know it won't work out? That we sacrifice our dignity for the sake of keeping someone in our lives? Is it simply that we are that afraid of losing them? Or that afraid and terrified of being alone? What is it that makes us so desperate to have someone.... to be looked after.... to be cared for... to be loved..?

At any moment in time, despite the limbo that we were in, there was no time when watching me, you could not deny that i cared. that i supported. that i tried to be there. if you didn't know better you might even think that i liked him. and if you knew the context, you'd know that i loved him.

Tell me, how many people can you meet in a lifetime that you know that you click with? That you can sit and talk to for hours on end? That the conversation never dies. That you can laugh and joke about the same things and have so many 'in jokes' established within two weeks that can take years to amass with others? That you have the same taste in for music? So many angles that mesh. So little that clash. How many of those people can you meet in your life?

You tell yourself that you're over the guy. That you can move on. Yet every little thing that he does to prove that you are no longer in a former status. Every little thing that emphasises a return to a platonic 'friendship' kills you.

Sometimes you try and delude yourself. What if he turns around one day and says to you 'I want you back. I was stupid to ever have let you go. I do love you. I want you.' what happens on that hypothetical, gloriously happy, mythical day? Will you wipe it all away and go 'yes! i've loved you forever, and i never stopped loving you?' Or will you sit back and soak it all in? Will you have the heart to hold it all back and make him suffer? To laugh in his face and say 'I don't think so buddy' and watch him grovel? Would that even be possible? For someone who hides behind such cold facades.... When the answer to your question 'there's no chance at all? It won't work at all? No chance in hell?' is silence...... What are my chances anyway? Why delude myself with pretty visions of illusionary rainbows? Why hold onto something that so obviously isn't yours? Because it's not fair! It hurts to be cast aside. And it doesn't matter whether its your fault or not. THe fact that he said no. The fact that one silly misunderstanding can be the catalyst to the 'end of the world' in some form... and suddenly you find yourself standing there.. so alone. so foolish. so miserable. For anyone who didn't know the whole picture.. you'd have thought that you'd just been played. Majorly played.

Angry females are never good company. Bitter females on the other hand... a bundle of joy and quirkiness..

I think what hurts the most is watching the transition from 'boyfriend' to 'friend' occur in a matter of seconds. One week he misses you so much and wants to talk to you so much. THe next minute, he acts like he couldn't care less whether you existed or not. And the whole time there you stand, with your little heart on your sleeve. This little vulnerable thing, sitting in your hand, and you basically hand it to him, and go 'here, do what you will with it'. Why are we all so stupid? Whoever thought that love was niaeve. Who am i kidding? *i* am niaeve....

You get suckered into all the Hollywood glamour. You watch 'love' as something where the other person so happily and willingly sacrifices - just for you. It makes you feel like you are so special. That you are worth something. and for those first few blissful moments, its like everything you expected and more.... and then when they turn around and go, 'oh btw, i can't do this'.... what do you end up believing? Can you in fact believe? How much of what you told me was true? How much of what you told me was a lie to placate me? To protect yourself? Here you have a girl throwing herself at you. What more could a guy ask for? Not the worst type of girl that you could get. Fairly pretty. Fairly intelligent. Fairly coherent. Easy to talk to. Sure, why not...... i'll tell you why not. Because you never should mess with a person's feelings. EVER. I'm no saint myself, I've made my fair share of mistakes. But at the very least I've always tried to make sure that people know where i stand. on all things. Relationships aren't just fun and games you know. If there's anything that i'm upfront about, its relationships. Yet there you go, 'let's try and give the 'put love on pause for other things' a "Trial". Love isn't a "trial". Love.. is love. What is the point of justifying being with a person?

Either you love them, or you don't. There is no in between. At the same time, how was i so stupid to not stand up for my own principles? I gave completely. You knew before we went in. You knew where i stood on everything. Yet still you came. You even told me upfront, 'I knew all your faults before we started. I'm still here, aren't i?' .. .not anymore....

So cold....
We could walk past each other in the street and never speak.
For someone who i once loved... and who let's just say for the sake of saying and believe, once loved me....

It just hurts to see you so cowardly. I may tell you that i don't want to talk to you later on in life. That once semester is over you get out of my life completely. You after all are the culprit for my late nights, insomnia, emotional hurt and pain... not to mention the dry cleaning bills for all the tears on practically every piece of wearable clothing..... BUT STILL.. if you want so desperately to be in my life.. wouldn't you even TRY to do something? wouldn't you even TRY to be my friend? You don't switch off emotions just like that. Or do you? You can't even come up to me after i've spent three hours nursing my head with looks of sever pain furrowing my brow, and ask me how i am... are you that terrified that you're the cause?

You treat me like every other girl that ever existed on the planet. You talk to everyone, you wander and you roam. You have your own life. At the same time, if i'm so important to you, you'd think that you'd willingly make time for me. If i message you and tell you that i'm at an emotional low and that i really need a shoulder to cry on.... who in their right mind messages back 'unfortunatley not, i have a raging headache?' who??? if you cared so much. if a girl tells you that she needs a shoulder to cry on, then OBVIOUSLY its severe. but you can't put your selfishness aside for once - JUST ONCE - and ring her back to ask what's wrong. And when she rings you later that evening because the depression is so much worse..... when out of courtesy alone if nothing else, she talks to you the next day and apologises.... the least you can do is, is deflect the apology. "it's alright. THat's what i'm here for" .. not 'it's ok.' So, i should know better than to even ring a friend in times of desperate need when emotional support is desperately needed? Keep in mind that you hadn't made your decision yet to be thoroughly rid of me.... and this is the way you treat me. and me like a stupid fool goes back on the tracks and begs for you to stay. Who would've thought that love would make people so desperate? Or maybe, who would've thought that i'd have such emotional issues?

I've tried to be everything that you've ever asked or wanted. Short of lying down and exposing my jugular to you, everything that you've asked for, i've basically done. Yet still you don't want me. THey say that its better to find a guy who loves you more than you love him. Yes, i've experienced the merits. But when you find a guy who reciprocates even a smidgen of the love that you harbour for him... the feelings.... they intensify tenfold. If only because the whole time that you spend with a guy who loves you more than you love him.... I spend it feeling guilty that i can't give him everything in return. Yet for once i walked in, knowing that I would be the one giving out the most. Yet still i walked in. stupid girl that i am, i thought that my love would move you. that it would change your mind And for those first few weeks your actions suprised me. In the sweetest of ways. So what stops us from going back there? Your stupid mentality that we can't be more. That You can't give me more. That you would kill me, regardless of what i tell you now. You think that you know me. But do you really? I doubt that very much.

I'm much stronger than i appear to be. And sometimes a lot more vulnerable and sensitive than you'd ever believe. Why do you do this to me? WHy put me through so much pain if you tell me that you love me so much?

In my own way, I'm getting over you. I don't have a choice. There are days when i wish you could suffer. To know what you've turned your back on. I don't care if you're trying to be the martyr and sacrifice love for the 'greater good'. All i know is that you're hurting me. That you could have treated me so much better than you did.... You could've done a lot better job at keeping me in your life. Of Treating Me Right... I mean seriously, is there some sticker on my forehead that says 'SUCKER' on it?! Am i that easy to play? I don't open up emotionally.. not like this. I never have. Yet here i go.. .and there you go.... and here we are.

I am so angry. I am so hurt. I want you to come back to me, if only so i can yell and kick and scream. To let you know how i truly feel. Other than sit in your room and cry my eyes out. To take all the hugs of comfort without a word. I let you off so easy. I loved you so much. I was so terrified that anything I did would push the wrong button and push you away for good. Silly girl that i am. Why should i sacrifice for someone who won't sacrifice for me? WHy should i give up what i stand for and believe in, if you can't do the same for me? Whatever happened to compromise? I thought you loved me..... I thought you cared... You're the one that started this. Not me... The least that you could've done was have the courage to deal with it. And yet, if you did, nine times out of ten, i bet that you would do it as the 'responsible' thing to do. a 'duty' rather than any genuine feeling. How can a person even begin to get angry at you, when u sit there and tell her that she can start yelling at you now... i don't have the heart. and i still loved you so much. The last time i lost my temper is what got us into this mess in the first place. Yet there you go, and here i am, dying to have you here so i can yell at you. That's all that's really left, to be honest.

It was so hard to tear myself away from you. so hard. Every day feels like a year. Its such an accomplishment to get through the day without contacting you. Yet for you - you're so busy with your friends. You're so busy with your work. You don't have time for me. And there i am struggling with my thesis. There i am struggling with getting through the day. Dealing with the knowledge that i have no one. That I can't ring you and tell you about my day. That you wouldn't even be interested in knowing about my day. Everything just seems so superficial with you. You care, but you don't care about me at the same time. you want to be my friend. You want to be in my life. And right now, that's the only card i have. I am so ready and willing to burn it in your face, just so you know what it feels like. to have something that you desperately want blow up in your face. to have it denied to you. Yet at the same time i'm not doing myself any favours. Because i want you in my life also. But then again, at the same time you don't deserve the easy way out. I've given you the easy way out so many times before. Its about time you started suffering the real consequences.

It just hurts so much.... How could i have let you into my life? How could you have done this to me? Yes i know, so easily..... You tell me that you still love me. But can i honestly believe that? All i ever needed was reinforcement. Reassurance that you loved and cared for me. That's all i've ever really wanted or needed. Yet i watch you prioritise. Friends will often come in front of me. So what if you haven't seen them in ages? So what if you're lonely without them? Does that really justify ditching me? IF they ask to see you, and i'm with you, couldn't you have simply taken me with you? Couldn't you have waited at least until i finished eating? Why did you just get up and leave. My 'you can go on your own' was only courtesy. The correct answer would be 'nah, i'll wait for you' or even, 'hang on, lemme get her to come over here.' And then i spend the afternoon watching you dogging after her like a little puppy trying to show your master all your new tricks. And there i am tagging along behind. Trailing along watching a conversation that gets expositioned - not by you, but by her. Its like i don't exist. She was more polite to me than you! and you're the one that tells me that you love and care for me.

I don't care if you tell me that you love me. Your actions say so differently. I don't care if you tell me that talking things out will never help but muddy up the waters. sometimes things needed to be talked out. Sometimes i just feel like when i come to you when i'm down, that all you do is let me vent. Meanwhile, instead of intently listening and offering comfort, solace and advice, you simply sit there cataloguing what you're planning to do on the weekend, and just let me rant.

I just hurt... so much.

It hurts so much to be around you. To pretend that nothing matters. To sweep it under the rug. NOt because i want to, but because that's all the indication you give. And now that we've supposedly talked it all out, there's no point me even sitting there and forcing you to listen to me. Because the whole time you'll just sit there looking sorryily at me. pity me and my vulnerable heart. Pity me for my desperation to understand and keep you in my life.

Do you have so many emotional issues that you can't even bring yourself to deal with me? Its just that if you knew you had all this - why did you even start this with me? Why did you even bother putting me through this emotional rollercoaster? You think its fun to watch a girl fall for you and then struggle to get up and move on?

In the last two days i've gotten to the point where i'm upset and angry enough to get rid of you completely. You are off all my programs. Deleted and blocked. For what good it will do you and me. I can go online without tensing every time i see you online. 'will you talk to me?' 'what will you say'? Your text gets so predictable. 'i have to go. i just came to check email' i guess i should be grateful that you're messaging me at all. But then again, knowing you, you won't even register or care less that i've disappeared from your life. You'll chalk it up to, you screwed up, and that's it. I will never have the impact on your life that you've had on me. And that hurts more than anything. I know that therefore, you are not worth my time. That i deserve so much better. But to be honest, in those few weeks when everything was fine, i honestly believed that it could not get any better. And you kept on suprising me. In the most sweetest of ways. So after all that..... Do i even want to contemplate? Do i even want to put myself back on that emotional rollercoaster called love?

Maybe all the issues are inside my head? Maybe i need the time off to figure out who i am and what i want, and promise myself never to sacrifice dignity in the face of love. Yet i watch so many other people around me do the same.... and sometimes they get lucky, and get the girl. WHy couldn't you have loved me enough? Why couldn't you have loved me enough to show me? Why do you have to be so selfish? I know that everyone's selfish in their own way. at the same time.... if you tell someone that you love them, that love shouldn't come with limits. That love shouldn't have strings attached. 'i want all my relationships to be like friends. no expectations. no demands.' is love really just a more meaningful friendship? is that all it boils down to? i would think that you can't help but hope and harbor thoughts that they will show you that they care about you in means and ways that you never do to friends. I'd like to think that i can expect you to want to spend time with me, and willing and WANTING to spend time with me instead of your friends. I'd like to think that if i ever had any problems at home, that i could expect and rely on you to be there for me. I'd like to think that i can demand your time in some form. That i would have influence over your life. Because in the same vein whoever i choose to be in a relationship with, obviously they would have an influence over my life. That they would be able to advise me in matters, and vice versa. That compromises were really compromises. that discussions were really discussions, rather than you deciding something and me having to cave in every time.

I just don't think i can do this. You expect too much from me after your past record. I have enough trouble struggling to deal with the question of whether i can believe everything that you ever told me, let alone can we be friends? I think that it will hurt too much. It hurts too much now. I couldn't even look you in the eye today. I'm so scared of what i'll find there. and i'm so terrified of what i'll do. Will you smile at me and make me fall for you again? Ten times worse than before? Will you give me a look of indifference? That will kill me and reinforce that i'm only putting myself through this misery? I don't care if my actions make it hard for you to guage what to do. You're the one that caused this mess. I'm so scared of what i'll find if i look you in the eye. I care so much, yet i have to hold myself back. Not just because the decision's been made that we are no longer as we once were. but also because i've thrown myself at you way too many times. I'm scared that if i offered you a lift home tonight that you'd say no. and even though i know it would be for the best, i would still walk away feeling rejected. You have to treat me so carefully now. i'm so fragile and vulnerable. me.. who always swore off relationships. who pretended that love was a dirty four letter word not worth my time. even though i secretly harboured the desire to be wanted and loved.

You just don't burn the ones that you love, and expect them to be able to be friends with you in the morning.. You just don't...

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:10 pm