Iron Butterfly
Well it's officially a week now. A week to the day I started this blog, and a week to the day that I deleted you off my contact list and decided it was about time I started moving on...I should be so proud of myself. I haven't rung you, I haven't emailed you, I haven't spoken to you online. Basically I'm out of your life, or you're out of my life, depending on the way you look at it. And although I've missed you throughout the week, and you have been on my mind through it all, i know somewhere in the back of my mind that what i'm doing is right. Because i think i managed to resolve something with myself the last few days:
This isn't going to work out... I'm tired of defending you in my thoughts when i get upset at you.
You made your choice, and knowing you, you will never go back. So why should i harbour any hopes that you might? If only getting over someone was as easy as it is to say....
I had a long chat with one of my friends today. the conclusions that came out of it, were fairly interesting/revealing to my mind. Blogging and talking it out with someone really puts things into perspective, and makes you think through and question everything. We established that one of the reasons that it hurt so bad, wasn't only because he had rejected me, but also because he had betrayed my trust.
If someone goes after you and convinces you that he is everything that you need. They make you take risks that you usually wouldn't take. They offer you a shoulder to cry on, emotional support, and most importantly love... they go to such lengths to make you fall for them.... and then they turn around the minute things don't go exactly as planned and tell you 'sorry, i can't handle this...' the thing is though buddy, you DID say you could handle it. and what's worse is you don't even know where you went wrong! you can't even tell me when things changed, and although for the majority of that thinking time i gave you, you knew that you didn't want me/couldn't go back, you never bothered to tell me. You gave me hope that we could work out. You kept on telling me all these things, yet your actions kept on showing otherwise. And like a fool i just.... i ignored those little warning signs, I took you at your word, and I forged ahead anyway, coasting on the hope that you might still keep me.
I don't care if you still love me. Love isn't supposed to be like that.... even as friends you could've done a *whole* lot more.. at the least if you had truly wanted to keep us a strong friendship level, based on history alone, you would've made me feel special in some way. none of this dumping for another friend crap.... *sigh*
my friend and i also discussed the fact that one of the things that most likely getting me down is the fact that i put too much faith in you. I trusted you enough to be strong for me. to love me and care for me. and truly consider my feelings. to 'treat me right' not just because it's the right thing to do, but laso because you genuinely *want* to. because there is no other way to treat a person you love other than to make them feel special. yet... you didn't do that. who knows what your justification is. you probably explained it to me at one point. but i've honestly been that hurt and immersed in emotional pain to really listen. i think i've been so fixated on the fact that you don't want me, that everything else around me has been a blur...
I'm tired of defending you in my head. I'm honestly tired of thinking the best of you.
Fact of the matter is - you're not here now. So why bother wasting my time thinking about you???
It's honestly just so strange though... usually a week goes by so fast. this week has been one of the slowest. maybe because i've been cataloguing every hour. who knows... but i think the weeks will *hopefully* pass faster now... well hopefully for my emotional well-being, if not so hopefully for my thesis....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:38 am
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