Hypothetical Butterfly
I've been thinking....part of the appeal of all this for me, instead of simply penning all my agonies in a handwritten journal or on paper somewhere, is the fact that there is the potential for someone to read it. More specifically.. you. Not that you'd ever be that neurotic or obsessive enough to ever contemplate looking me up online. But honestly, what are the chances that you'd ever be it by chance or design come across this? Would you even recognise this for what it is? Could you even tell if this was in fact you? Short of posting your name on here, there have been indications of who this could be. On the offchance that you'd ever find this site... would you even recognise the things i've talked about? I haven't been 100% expositionary here, but then again I haven't been 100% cryptic either. Although, i wouldn't know, seeing as all i do is write out what i think. I haven't really given background or anything here.. but yeh... i wonder....
The appeal of all this is that in my misery and pain, instead of simply writing it down and getting it out of my system, instead i get to post it out there, and comfort myself on the offchance that there may be someone who comes across this and reads it, and gets to share some of the hurt and pain. Of course, who would even be interested in reading all this anyway? I've spent some time sort've 'blog surfing' or whatever the official name for it is. And i notice that everytime someone borders on the angst precipice they hurriedly reign themselves in. Is it because they have people they know who read it? Are they afraid of losing their readers? Or is it just something you 'just don't do'? Or are those private agonies so private that they're scared of posting them out there for all the world to see, literally and figuratively?
me? on the other hand? I originally baulked at the idea of doing it myself.. opening up online. leaving these entries open to search engines and people coming across and finding my 'true self' when i would never do anything like that in person... you work for my trust... you don't get the shortcut. but then again, the lure/appeal of being able to just express yourself. And to know that potentially there is that 0.0000000001% that someone can read it. It's almost like anonymity, but almost not.... and for whatever bizarre reason, I find it in some ways comforting.
It's like being able to talk to someone, but at the same time, it's not. Because "you" per se doesn't exist. I'm typing/talking to a screen.... I have no idea who could come across this. I could be deluding myself, and in fact NO ONE has come across it at all... in which case, what have i seriously got to lose? As a means of therapy this is great. i get the illusion of talking to someone who can supposedly 'care' while at the same time get the issues of my chest. I don't even have to get mad when they don't respond.
The worse case scenario of course is if someone does read it and decides to comment. I've never been partial to criticism - hell who is - but i've always been extra sensitive. I wonder if it defeats the entire purpose of doing this for 'emotional therapy' if it leads to me going out on that limb and being criticised for not 'getting over myself' and quit being a sad case. I do spend my time doing other things. I just choose to express the things i do here, because its an outlet that lets me do it. it's better than constantly seeking friends for a cry.... even i know when i've reached my limits and aren't wanted. and then i have to go through all that bother of getting hurt and upset that being close friends they don't even want to hear about my miseries... urgh....
But yeh.. going back to my original question.. what if you ever found me? What happens then? I tell myself that i'm over you. I was thinking to myself today, it's been 4 days since i talked to you online. I feel like its such an accomplishment. at the same time, i just realised that i only saw you on thursday, and right now its saturday. well, technically sunday. so what's that? 2 days? Wow.. big deal! but it feels like such a big deal to me. You're off all of my immediate contactable mediums. Have you missed my presence yet? Or have you even noticed? Probably not.... You probably spent tonight going out. I spent it watching Runaway Bride... how exciting. and when he tells her that he knows her and that he loves her..... gah....... romantic comedies are all good when you're happy. but when you're pining, i don't know about you, but i find myself automatically substituting. Remembering of moments similar in scope, a guy standing there telling you how much he cares about you, or substituting.. 'what would i do, how would i feel, if he ever did anything like that to me?' and then the tears start bubbling up.. *sigh* I really should stop all this self-induced misery.
and i've digressed again. The point i'm trying to get at is... how would you feel you knew that i was writing all this stuff about you? I have no idea how clear it is for anyone who knows me who this is, and what it's all about. Would you get upset that i've betrayed some moral and ethical thing? Is that why i haven't come across other similar blogs? Or maybe i haven't been looking close enough? Do i need your permission to talk about you? But this is all just self-help therapy. Who in their right mind would even know? Not that many know about you. And those who do, 9 times out of ten, would NEVER find this anyway. and anyway, they get to hear about all of this first hand - ha! And like i said earlier, you don't strike me as the sentimental type, or the obsessive type for that matter. I doubt very much you have much Stalker Gene in you.
Like you would really on a whim even attempt to find out whether or not I blogged and whether or not I'd ever talk about you. The impression that i get about guys in general, is that you'd never pick up on the little details enough to figure that this might be what i'd do. I mean, i only mentioned in passing that i was reading blogs. Like that would be enough impetus for you to connect that i'd suddenly decide to do the same and blog myself. ha! you're probably too involved with your thesis anyway, and I'm just self-indulging in a little fantasy of mine.
But seriously, on that hypothetical.. would you get mad? What would you think of all the things i've said? Would it reinforce the belief that you've hurt me? And that you love me so much that you never want to go back on the offchance that you'd hurt me even more? I did tell you that i didn't want you in my life, after all.. i mean, that's gotta count for something. regardless of whether i said it once, or three times. would anything that i wrote move you to act and attempt to keep me?
You know what i want though? I want you one day to come back to me, and say to me, 'you made me want to be a better person'. How cliche, i know. But considering all your emotional baggage..
i guess..
all i want is for you to want me enough in your life as something more than a friend. I want you to sort out all that mess in your head as quickly as possible and take me back. and do it because you know that that is how you can have and keep me. But the chances of that are pretty much zero to none.
Assuming that you don't contact me from now on - which is very plausible - i probably won't see you until graduation. Boy will that be tense. I'm wondering if you'll attempt to reintroduce me to your life then? I wonder if i'll still hurt when i see you, and watch you hang out with all your friends? i wonder if i'll still hate the fact that you can act like i don't matter? Because you have such a tendency to hide things from me. Or maybe i'm just not observant enough to note when you do, and when you don't. You and your god damn stupid pride. And what's worse is like.. there's a high possibility that we'll be sitting next to each other, if not, at the very least like, two seats away. What then? it takes about 3 hours for graduation... sitting beside you for 3 hours.. *sigh*...
You're probably thinking that I've got a thesis to write, and therefore don't have time for you. and you accept that because you have your own to write. it's pretty shocking though. 2 days.... and i feel like a week has gone by. it's always been hard not being able to talk to you. Now so more than ever though...
it just sucks to have those rhetorical thoughts and concerns of 'you're messing with me' actually come into fruition. I know all about female gut instincts.. but SERIOUSLY.. i mean, come on... you've got to be kidding me right??
Yikes.. it's 3.45. Better get to bed if i want to have a functioning brain for tomorrow's bout of writing.
i feel sick.....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:12 am
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