Hurting Butterfly
I've just been thinking - what would happen if i saw him? if i crossed him in the street, would i stop to say hello? or would i leave it? if i saw him and ignored him, and he walked past me and didn't say hello i would be so upset. it'd be worse if he actually didn't see me rather than intentionally not seeing me. that was the bad thing when i used to block him from msn. i'd see him come online. and i'd know that i could talk to him if i came online also. but i chose not to. and it was so hard.. to watch you come online for a few hours... especially when the times that we were both 'available' online, you'd only be online for half an hour max..*sigh*
misunderstandings make for such misery..
today though, if i saw him... would we in fact say anything? i don't want to do any more footwork to make sure our relationship is ok. but if i don't, i'm scared that our friendship will die. but to be honest, i'm tired of being the one who's constantly tying everything together. i know that you hate that (doing all the legwork) also, but honestly i think i've done enough to ensure that we tried to be together in each other's lives in some sense or form. i don't think i should do any more. i think legitimately that i can be taken off the hook so to speak, and that i won't be criticised for doing the things i do. you probably wouldn't be criticised either, if you explained it as, 'well i hurt her, and i don't want to hurt her anymore. she told me once to stay away, so i'll do the noble thing and pretend that everything is fine.' what you don't realise is that watching you do that hurts also.
don't ask me why. i'm such a conundrum. i don't want you in my life, and at the same time i do.... which was probably the other reason why i chose not to see you anymore. i figured it'd just be easier for all concerned if i stopped seeing you anymore, and i wouldn't have to deal with the pain of figuring out what to do and say around you..
there's a dinner being organised next thursday for the entire class. i'm wondering if you'll go. you might. it's the last class, and it starts at 10 in the morning, and lasts for the whole afternoon - ugh. i'm not going because i've got to do this thesis. i wonder if you'll go.. i wonder if you'll even notice my absence. i wonder if you'll care... i wonder if you'll do anything about it. you'll probably just think to yourself, 'that's odd, oh, she's not here =( oh well. she's entitled to do whatever she wants, and it's not like i can do anything about it right now anyway, so i'll just let it go and be friendly to all the people who are here'. jerk. lol. irrational anger, unexplained jealousy, lousy emotions. i really do need to get my head seen to..
*sigh*
maybe what i'm looking for isn't what i should be looking for. i came across some blogs written by married people.. and their ideals of love, and the way they talk about relationships, and expectations etc, is what i've been looking for. someone i can share my thoughts and dreams and hopes with. maybe these dreams are unrealistic in my current state. i'm not looking for marriage. so maybe i should lessen any thoughts of finding a relationship that gives me the emotional security that perhaps only marriage can bring. and yes, even though relationships can occur without marriage in mind... i doubt there are many people out there who are ready to commit to a relationship that *isn't* a marriage, but that requires all the emotional commitment of a relationship, if that even makes sense..
i guess at the end of the day i just want someone who loves me. 100% genuine love, who genuinely wants to share their time and their thoughts and their hopes and dreams with me. who genuinely wants to be a part of my life, and who i in turn feel the same way about. gues that's everyone's dream huh? finding that 'perfect person'. 'the one' blah blah blah...
i don't mean to sound like a cliche love-lorn text book case. its just that i look at myself and the type of relationship that i'm looking for, and i look at all my friends who are quite happy to just go out and play the field. i don't think i could get involved with someone if i didn't want to commit. i don't do things in halves - not in relationships. and i expect the same in return i guess... and not everyone is ever on the same page, regardless of what it felt like when we first met. it's just that we had so much in common...
sometimes i wish i had never fallen for you. i'm just so alone now.... and ironically the people that i don't want knocking on my door come a-knocking. my ex wants me back. *sigh* and then as i watch myself fobb him off i feel bad. because i'm doing exactly what the guy i *really* wants is doing to me. and then i feel so hypocritical. and then i don't really have the heart to be mean to my ex either. and so the vicious cycle continues....
whoever heard of creating a stupid concept called love anyway? why do we need this stupid ideal ingrained in our lives? whoever heard of having to have one person to fulfill you emotionally? why is there such a vacuous void when someone who loves you leaves you?
Back to that conversation that i had with my friend the other night, i finally understood that line about those who are heartbroken are king. i.e. if you've fallen on hard times when it comes to love, everyone flocks to you to make sure you're ok. and for those moments whatever you say goes... well my friend posed the point, 'it makes sense.' After having someone who lavishes all this attention on you, who loves you and cares for you... once they leave, you need all that love and attention returned to you in some form - and this will most likely come from your friends and family. now on top of that, most likely you'll also need *extra* just to feel normal again. because just because they fill up the void, doesn't mean that it's filled up and done. their affection and love for you while not necessarily temporary... i mean, they can't be there for you 24/7. they want you to move on with your life also. they want you to return to 'normal.' but what is normal? you need all their love and affection just to fill the void, and then even more to pull yourself back together *properly*.
Right now i'm in awe of all those who have gotten over heartbreaks. the only true heartbreak that i had was when i was around 17. and that didn't even really technically count. because we never started. and there were logical reasons for it never to occur. i'll be the first to admit that i'll probably nurse that grudge in some form for the rest of my life. lol. i'm over it, don't get me wrong. but sometimes the whisper of that little ghost comes back to haunt me. just sometimes...
but this one.. now *this* one... *shakes head* how will i get over this one? because while we didn't *officially* start (hrmm... is there a pattern here that i'm detecting?) there was at least something tangible to hold onto... and i don't care about all the technicalities. i don't care if he comes back to me and says, 'but we'd already talked about this. we'd already established boundaries (of some sort). FACt of the matter is - i fell for you. plain and simple. and you cast me aside. you're punishing me for something that i have no control over - you. I really should just get over you. if only it were so easy....
i dangle my heart on my little sleeve. i'm there. so easy. all you have to do is take me. and you don't... you shut that door in my face. why can't you have me??? if you love me as you say you do.. why can't you take me back?!?! WHY?!!?
i'm *really* not that bad.... and honestly, how many girls do you expect will lay themselves out on the line and throw themselves at you??? yes you have tons of friends who are girls. but i've heard you tell me in your darkest moments how no one's ever interested. well wake up and smell the daffodils.. *i'm* interested... i'm *here* ... and you don't want me.. what kind've sick logic is that???
i'm looking back through these blogs i've written, and sometimes it just seems like i sound like a broken record. but what the hey.. i can't help it that that's all that goes around in my head... round and around and around..... 'you left me....' 'i hate you' 'how can you do this to me?' 'i hurt so much' 'i thought you loved me' 'can't we make this work?' 'do you think of me?' 'how can you leave me??' 'do you miss me?' 'i want you to suffer' 'isn't there any chance that you might change your mind?' over and over and over... Hurt, denial, loss, pain, denial, anger, hurt, denial, loss, pain, denial, anger.....
*sigh*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:44 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home